Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast

The Art of Acceptance: Dealing with Addiction in Relationships -Ep.18

October 17, 2023 • Allesanda Tolomei-Hard • Season 1 • Episode 18

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Join me as we explore the terrain of addiction and challenging relationships.

This week, I share about my experience with alcoholism.
Up until November 2015, I struggled with alcohol abuse. This disease made me a victim of my surroundings. It wasn’t until things were spiraling that I was willing to make a change. 

This brings me to one of our discussion topics… 
It’s not cold or unkind to let people fall when they are unwilling to help themselves or in the throws of addiction.

When we love someone, we don’t want them to feel pain. However, this can lead us to sacrifice our own needs and desires to keep others afloat. 

From personal experience, I am thankful that no one shielded me from my pain. Discomfort has been a profound teacher. Hard times were crucial in forging the amazing life I have today. Without the tools I learned to leave alcohol behind, I would not have the resources to handle life’s challenges in a healthy way. 


In this episode, we’ll chat about:

  • Addiction—why some people become addicted to alcohol, drugs, food, etc.
  • What an alcoholic or addict needs to change.
  • How to let go of harmful coping mechanisms. 
  • How to create harmony in unhealthy relationships. 
  • How to practice detachment in a kind and loving way.

It’s a conversation filled with insight and wisdom that will offer you valuable guidance in your journey toward greater harmony in your challenging relationships.  

You can find resources and support for alcoholism at AA.org 

If your loved one is an alcoholic or an addict, check out Al-Anon.org

Say hi on Instagram: @Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Or On Facebook: Mrs. Hard

For more info about wellness and relationship coaching visit my website: Mrs-Hard.com

Speaker 1:

Hey everyone, this week I'm going to share my personal journey with alcoholism and I'm going to talk about relationships with challenging people and alcoholics and addicts. And if you're feeling like life's a little chaotic, I have something just for you Stepping off the Chaos Roller Coaster Three simple steps for anxiety relief. In just three days, you'll uncover the single most crucial steps to break free from the relentless grip of anxiety. I understand you have a lot on your plate I mean, who doesn't these days and there's barely any room for extra tasks. That's why I made this series super simple and specifically designed to be efficient. These transformative tools will help you find your center, allowing you to navigate life with less fear and a profound sense of inner peace. Don't miss out on this opportunity to reclaim your serenity. Today. You'll find the link to my free three-day coaching series in the show notes or at MrsHardcom. Just look for stepping off the Chaos Roller Coaster. Alright, let's dive in.

Speaker 1:

Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome to the Hard Times, no More Relationship Podcast. I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, your host and wellness coach. Today, we are going to talk about addiction and relationships with people who are addicts. You can also apply the same knowledge to challenging people in your life.

Speaker 1:

As many of you may know, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I haven't had a drink since November 20th of 2015. And even though being an alcoholic sounds like it would be a hard thing, surrendering to the fact that I'm an alcoholic was the best thing I ever did. It completely changed my life. I started drinking in my late teenage years and I used alcohol as a coping mechanism to manage my emotions and to suppress my feelings. Because, as you've probably heard, if you've been listening for a while I grew up with a father who's had a chronic illness my whole life and I didn't know how to cope with his disability and I thought it was my responsibility to fix or change it. And I had a lot of responsibilities when I was young. I used to have to take him to doctor's appointments because my mom was working and I cooked and cleaned for my family at a younger age, and so when I drank alcohol, I felt like I was doing something very adult and I had very adult responsibilities in my life already, even though I wasn't drinking like an adult and I loved drinking to excess because it took the weight of the world off of my shoulders. It made me feel comfortable in my skin. I also was a very shy person and a socially awkward young person, and so it gave me confidence, and we've all heard of that liquid confidence. I felt like I could do anything.

Speaker 1:

But what happened was I started working in the restaurant industry and I surrounded myself by people who drank heavily, and I drank heavily and I dated people who drank heavily, and so it was hard for me to tell what was normal and what wasn't normal, and I used alcohol whenever I had life challenges or family challenges come up. If I was experiencing something really difficult, I was just waiting until I could drink, because that was when I felt relief and alcohol. That relief got me through so much and it wasn't until later that it really turned against me and started to create a lot of problems in my life. I felt like the victim of my circumstances. I felt like if you had my life, you would drink like I did. I found myself in really unhealthy relationships. My self-worth became incredibly low At the end of my drinking. I had so much shame and guilt. I thought I was the most unworthy person of love you could ever meet in your entire life, and for a couple years before I stopped drinking, I tried to quit. I tried to use certain diets as excuses to not drink that didn't include alcohol. I would make promises to myself that I wasn't going to drink. For a certain amount of time I even moved to a local city that was closer to San Francisco. I live near San Francisco and I thought if I live in a different place, my life will change, and at that time I stopped drinking.

Speaker 1:

For a couple of months I wasn't completely sober, but I wasn't drinking alcohol, and I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin and I had no idea why. I was incredibly socially awkward, I was full of anxiety and I was completely depressed and I felt like I couldn't be myself. It wasn't until later, being in recovery, that I learned that when we take something away whether it's alcohol, a drug, if we have trouble with food or if we have a bad habit we have to replace it with something. Otherwise there's just a void there and it can become really, really uncomfortable. So that's what I was experiencing.

Speaker 1:

I had gotten rid of my coping mechanism but hadn't replaced it with anything healthy, and for a long time I felt doomed. I thought my life was challenging. It was doomed to be challenging. I was always going to have challenging relationships and good things weren't in store for me and I'd kind of surrendered to this is just how my life will be, and I had been blacking out fairly often and things were getting really messy. I was having trouble showing up for work and then my mom was diagnosed with stage four terminal cancer on her 60th birthday and at that time I really wanted to stop drinking.

Speaker 1:

Like I said, I'd tried before to stop drinking as much and I thought this time I'm really going to stop because I want to be present for her, I want to be her caregiver, and the exact opposite happened. My life completely spiraled and I wasn't able to be there for her. I wasn't able to be there for anyone, and every single morning I would wake up swearing I wouldn't drink, and by the end of the day that evening I would be drunk, or I'd be drunk in the middle of the day. And this repeated on and on for a period of time and I just didn't care about my life anymore. I was deeply depressed, I was anxious and I was in the darkest place of my life.

Speaker 1:

And then I met a grief coach and for some reason I was honest with her that day. I was telling her exactly what I was going through in my life, how I was drinking, how I was behaving, and she said something that changed my life. She said what if you take a drink and black out which I'd been blacking out every time? I drank for a while at that point and one of your parents goes into the hospital for the last time and you never get to say goodbye, and for me that was a very real possibility and I felt this whim of influence like this time I could stop and I'd had that experience. I'd had that whim before.

Speaker 1:

And maybe there's something in your life that you do, a habit, a pattern or whatever and it's causing some chaos in your life and you go through hills and valleys and sometimes you feel like this time I'm really going to stop and you have every intention to, but then your brain tells you it's not that bad and then you keep doing the thing or you get triggered and you keep doing the thing. So that was what was happening to me for a long time. Something really bad would happen and I'd be like, okay, this time I'm really going to stop. But then a day later, a couple days later, I would think, oh, it's not really that bad, I'm blowing it out of proportion. And I would keep drinking again. And I knew that pattern in me, so I knew I had to hang on to this whim so tightly and I couldn't let it go.

Speaker 1:

So it was suggested to me to start going to 12-step meetings and that's what I started doing, and the first couple of months were incredibly uncomfortable because I was leaving behind everything. I knew everything that was comfortable to me, everything that was familiar to me and, honestly, at that point nothing was really comfortable. But I was leaving behind an identity. I would drink socially with friends. That's how I knew how to be around people. That's how I knew how to cope when things were hard. That's how I knew how to have fun. And I was giving that up and I didn't know what my new life would look like. I was concerned that it would be incredibly boring. I would never have fun again, I would never be able to talk to anyone again because I was so awkward. And I think that fear keeps us from making big changes in our life, because whatever we're doing, that's harming us or holding us back. Sometimes there's a comfort in that and maybe at one point in our life whatever that let's call it a defect, whatever that defect is served us. It was a coping mechanism and to let it go seems scary because we don't know what life would be like without it. But for me I had what is called the gift of desperation and I was so desperate that I was willing to do anything to stop. So I started doing the deal and my life has been on an uphill trajectory ever since then and I'm so grateful that I hit a bottom and I had the opportunity to change my life.

Speaker 1:

So what is addiction? If you look up addiction online, the Miriam Webster definition is a compulsive, chronic, psychological or physiological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior or activity having harmful physical, psychological or social effects. It also says that addiction is a strong inclination to do, use or indulge in something repeatedly. And there are many types of addiction. There's food addiction, sex addiction, gambling addiction, drug addiction, alcoholism, and when a person is addicted, they believe they need whatever they are addicted to to survive. Addiction also creates a large dopamine hit to the brain. It makes a person feel really, really good when they indulge in whatever they're addicted to. And if you're an addict, you go through these highs and lows where you don't feel good because you don't have enough of whatever you need and your body says I need this thing to be okay. And people who struggle with addiction for those who don't know, their brain tells them that one is never enough. More is always better. And even though we're talking about full-on addiction, I think that this is a scale for some people. Some people have what I call a lot of momentum or energy around certain things. And the reason why there's that momentum is because of the dopamine hit they get from eating the food or partaking in whatever they're obsessing over. Because along with addiction comes obsession obsession of having enough to be okay into function. Because when you have an addiction you need something outside of yourself to be quote-unquote normal.

Speaker 1:

And when it comes to alcoholism, I've learned that alcoholics physically process alcohol differently. Most people have a few drinks and they get tired, or if they drink too much, they don't feel well, and by too much that might be three drinks. Alcoholics actually have a physiological reaction that wakes them up and energizes them when they drink alcohol, and their system tells their body that more is better, and this is scientifically proven. I can't explain the whole thing. It has to do with how our body creates acetone when we drink alcohol, and the acetone builds up in an alcoholic person and makes them have what is called the phenomena of craving. Once they have one drink, they want more and more and more.

Speaker 1:

And so let's talk about how to have a relationship with a person who's addicted, or you could apply this to a person who's having very unhealthy behaviors. What comes to mind is boundaries and expectations. When a person is under the influence or has an addiction, that becomes their number one focus. It doesn't matter how much they love you or care about you. When an addict is without their vice, their brain literally sends the messages that they cannot survive without it. So that is why people who are addicted make substances or the action they're addicted to their number one priority. If you have never been addicted to anything, this can be really hard to imagine. But trust me, if you know someone who struggles with an addiction, it is complicated. It's a mental health problem and the insane behavior you see is because of addiction. In my experience, it's easier if you think of them as a sick person and try to accept their insane behavior as a disease. So try to remember that whatever they're doing isn't because they don't love you and they don't care about you. They have a whole different wiring in their brain and it makes them a different person. So back to expectations.

Speaker 1:

In my experience, what I've learned from working with others is that it's best to keep your expectations super realistic and low. Keep your expectations low If the addict in your life has a habit of not following through, breaking promises, lying and causing chaos. Keep that top of mind. When you love someone, you want to believe them. You want to believe that this time things will be different, because your loved one was super apologetic and you could really tell they meant their apology, which can be true Sometimes.

Speaker 1:

People who are addicted are sincere in the moment, but they don't have the capacity to follow through. Remember, this is like a mental illness. So the best thing you can do is work on accepting them as who they are, accepting them as an addicted person, as a sick person. And if you haven't accepted that or you don't know very much about addiction, it's easy to think that they should be able to control themselves in their situation and that it's possible for them to change. And in my experience, unless they've taken some big steps with help of a 12 step program, a therapist, rehab or some other support group, it's unlikely that change can happen. And it's not impossible. I know people who've stopped drinking, who've been alcoholic, and they've quit drinking for long periods of time, sometimes even years, but it's very, very unlikely unless they get outside help.

Speaker 1:

Because remember what I talked about earlier when we take something away, when we take a coping mechanism away, we have to replace it with something, and 12 step offers a process to replace that ism with a connection with a higher power, and the connection with higher power allows people to let go, and in my experience, why people need a higher power or something to replace that addiction is because we have to recognize that we're not in control, and in my experience this applies to a lot of life challenges. When we think we're in control, there's so much more pressure. We feel insane because we feel like we should have a solution or be able to do the thing or fix the thing or whatever, or not repeat our behavior. But there's more going on. We have pathways in our brain that we create from past experiences to try to protect us and help us, and it's hard to override that circuitry without learning something completely different, learning a new way of living, and so that's why it's so hard to change. You kind of have to become a different person.

Speaker 1:

And so back to expectations. You need to be honest about the situation and that doesn't mean that you need to confront the addicted person and really try to help them change or get them to change, or tell them now that they need a higher power and they better become religious or spiritual or whatever. You can only control yourself. So I suggest working on accepting that the addicted person is the way they are at this time, right now, and I love what's called the three C's from Alanon. The three C's are you can't control it. You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You are only responsible for yourself. Take a deep breath, take that in. You are only responsible for yourself and you can apply this to many situations in which you are only responsible for yourself. That is the only thing you can really control in life.

Speaker 1:

So if you're wanting to plan something with a person who has an active addiction, put it out there with no strings attached, meaning if they cancel last minute or don't show up, plan something that won't interrupt your life or schedule something you would do anyway without them. If you know them well, you probably already know their patterns and you may know their habits. So just keep those top of mind, even if this time they promise things will be different. Also, it's good to create some healthy boundaries If you're meeting them. Decide on a time you'll leave. Plan out ahead of time what you're willing to hang out through. For example, if they show up and they're really high or belligerent, prepare to walk away. Know that that's okay because, remember, you can only control yourself. If you can hang out with them, even when they're belligerent and let it not affect you, then go for it. If they are struggling and they open up to you about it, you don't have to fix it. You can just listen and be neutral. You don't have to give them money or let them live with you.

Speaker 1:

And this may sound harsh, but looking back, I can tell you that my discomfort and pain ultimately made me change my life. If things had been easy, I would not have had such a strong desire to change. I had the gift of desperation, and everyone's bottom looks a little different, and maybe in life you've even experienced how a challenge has become a great asset because it forced you to change, because you were so uncomfortable. And sometimes we love someone so much we don't want them to suffer. But I've seen so many people grow at the rate of pain and I too have grown slowly at the rate of pain, and so discomfort and challenges aren't always a bad thing and trust that the other person has their own higher power and their own life plan and this might just be part of it. You never know, maybe it's the person's destiny to be the a-hole, so that everyone else in life learns compassion.

Speaker 1:

It's hard to tell what this whole life thing is about sometimes, but bottom line, it's not up to you to change or fix them. The most helpful thing you can do for somebody else is to take care of yourself and show up for other people without expectation of them being different. And it's easier to do this when your cup is full, when you're full of energy, and this is easier said than done. Coming to a place of acceptance with an addicted or challenging person is a journey, but the road there is full of gifts that will heal your heart and create more joy in your life. Because sometimes we think we have to fix or we have to be the presence that makes the change. But when we see how that doesn't work and when we can let go of that, that's where we feel so much more peace and that's when we can let go of a lot more responsibility in our lives, maybe in other areas that we didn't realize that we were trying to change, fix or force a certain situation.

Speaker 1:

And detachment is one of the best boundaries I've learned. I heard this quote the other day. The ultimate goal of detachment is engagement. We detach so we can reorder our attachments and then align and cooperate with the flow of grace in the world. That's by David Banner. To me, this means we detach first to get right with ourselves, and detachment doesn't always have to be physical, like taking space from the person. It can be emotional or a mental separation. Then, once getting right with yourself, you can come back to the situation with more acceptance.

Speaker 1:

I believe letting go and acceptance are the keys to most of our problems. As I talked about last week, letting go doesn't mean forgetting or not caring. It neither does detachment. I think letting go is all about allowing people, places and things to be as they are and release the expectations that hurt us. I love the quote. Expectations lead to resentments Because when we keep wishing, hoping, wanting something or someone to be different, we set ourselves up for disappointment, and sometimes that shows up as anger, sometimes it shows up as sadness, and it's weird because sometimes we internalize that and think that it has to do with our own self-worth.

Speaker 1:

If only they did this thing. If they loved me, they would behave like X, y and Z. If they loved me, they wouldn't drink. If they loved me, they wouldn't use. If they loved me, they'd show up on time. Really, that isn't about you at all, that's just about them. What they're going through in their own struggles it's not for us to internalize, and so when we become clear on our boundaries and expectations with others, we can feel safe to let go and find acceptance.

Speaker 1:

But I'll say it again dealing with an alcoholic or an addict is hard. This isn't an overnight thing, it is a journey, and if you ever need help, I'm here for you. You can reach out to me on Instagram at Mrs that's MRSHard underscore times no more. Or you can look me up on Facebook. Look up Alessandra Tolomey, and you'll find my Facebook page, mrs Hard, there. And if you want to learn more about what I do, my coaching and what I have to offer, you can check out my website MRS-HARDcom. That's Mrs-Hardcom. All right, that's all I've got for today. Thanks for joining me and until next time, take care.