Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast

Navigating Grief & Challenging Relationships Through The Holidays -Ep. 22

November 13, 2023 • Allesanda Tolomei-Hard • Season 1 • Episode 22

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How are you feeling about the holidays this year?
Are you excited about the lights, the gatherings, the yummy food, and the holiday cheer?

Or is there a sense of anxiety creeping in?
Because you know your to-do list is about to triple, you are grieving the loss of a loved one, or you know you’ll have to see Uncle Eddy—he totally creeps you out.

For a long time, my holidays were full of chaos.
My dad lived in an assisted living facility and would plead with us to let him move back home (which wasn’t possible because he needed full-time care.) 

My mom would buy gifts we couldn’t afford. 

Family gatherings felt like interrogation chambers, with questions about my personal life and job situation magnifying the areas where things weren't going well. 

Despite facing these hard times, I discovered simple methods to navigate grief, alleviate stress, and craft a bulletproof strategy for turning anxiety into ease during those tricky family moments. 

I'm excited to share these insights with you!

In today's episode, we dive into:

>>> The Rock Myth: Ever feel like you're the glue holding everything together? Let's chat about the misconception that sacrificing your needs makes everyone happy.

>>> Tips on handling your inner perfectionist and embracing your loving, self-compassionate side.

>>> The art of setting the right boundaries to keep your energy intact during family gatherings.

>>> Insights on injecting more joy into your holiday season.

Tune in to this week’s episode and let me know your thoughts. 

If this episode inspired you in some way, mind dropping a quick review? 
Your thoughts can guide others to discover and get something meaningful from it too!

Say "Hi!" on Instagram @Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
or on FaceBook Mrs. Hard

If you are struggling, let's chat:
Book Your FREE 30 Minute Session Here.

Website: mrs-hard.com

Don't let anxiety control you any longer. Take the first step towards a joyful life without fear. Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief

Speaker 1:

Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome to the Hard Times no More relationship podcast. I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, your host and relationship coach.

Speaker 1:

Today, we're going to talk about the upcoming holiday season Yay. How do you feel about the holidays? Are you excited For all the lights, the family gatherings, the comfy clothes, the yummy food and all the holiday cheer, or do you feel stressed out and totally anxious? Maybe the holidays highlight the absence of someone in your life, in your dreading your first year, maybe your second year, without them. Maybe the holidays are super busy for you and your perfectionist side really comes out. Do you feel like you have to create the perfect Thanksgiving, the perfect Christmas for your family and that it's all on you to get everything done? Maybe you have a family member, or a few family members that are really hard to be around and you know you'll have to see them and you're totally dreading it. These are just a few of the reasons why you may not be looking forward to the holidays, and if one of those reasons are yours, trust me, you're not alone. In this episode we're going to talk about how to turn that around that feeling of dread or incredible stress around the holidays and with a little preparation and an open mind, you can have a joyful holiday season. Because, trust me, I've been on both sides, and I've actually been on the side of dreading the holidays and feeling really anxious about them for much longer than feeling excited about them.

Speaker 1:

When I was growing up, the holidays were very stressful for my family because my family didn't have a lot of money and I remember my parents overspending to try to provide the perfect Christmas for my brother and I, and then fast forward years later. My dad lived in a nursing home and the holidays were super awkward because we would bring him to our house or we would pick him up and we would all go to see our extended family and they live a couple hours away and my dad would always bring up that he wanted to come home and how miserable he was, and we knew that and we didn't have any other options for him, and so the holidays were super uncomfortable and we felt really sad about my dad's situation and for many years I expected him to die every year, for like 10 years. I thought this would be his last Christmas, this would be his last Thanksgiving, and so I had a lot of grief in my heart during the holiday season. And then I did my first holiday sober back in 2015, and, oh my god, that was so uncomfortable. I got sober on November 20th of 2015, and I remember going to Thanksgiving and like my life was a mess. I was at the lowest of low places I'd ever been in in my life and my extended family had no idea because I wasn't open about it. I didn't share with them what I was going through, and I remember going to my extended family's house and they would be like do you want a glass of wine? Do you have a boyfriend? How's life going? What are you doing at your job? You know, and at the time I was on call, working as a massage therapist at a resort and barely able to show up for work or keep it together because my mental health was suffering so strongly and I had just committed to stop drinking days before, and so I was craving alcohol and I was being offered drinks and having to tell them no, like I was not comfortable in my skin. I did not have a boyfriend, I had just been dumped by my most recent ex-boyfriend and, oh my gosh, it was definitely the most uncomfortable holiday I'd ever been through.

Speaker 1:

My mom had just been diagnosed with cancer a couple months before, and I believe we had picked up my dad and he was with us because he was still living at the nursing home, and so that paints a picture for what my holidays have looked like. And then the first year, my mom was gone. The holidays were really really hard, because she passed away in October and so it was very soon after that we had the holidays and it highlighted her absence. So those were my hardest holidays and if you're experiencing any of that this year, I think this podcast will help. And things started to turn around after all of the hard things happened because I had a process that helped me transform my challenges into assets and I helped people with this process today because it worked so well. And then I also had a support system after my most challenging times that I could really rely on, and they helped me get through the hard feelings and hard experiences that would come up in life and when I stopped trying to do things alone, that was when my life really changed. So the holidays started to turn around for me, probably in like 2018. And a big part of that is because of my husband's family. They're really into holiday traditions and they love the holidays. It is, I think, their favorite time of year.

Speaker 1:

And 2020,. I know that was hard for a lot of people because we couldn't socialize, but my husband was a firefighter that year and he had to work on Christmas, and so we ended up celebrating Christmas the day before and it was just his immediate family, like his mom, his dad, his sisters. But this holiday was one of my favorites because it was so laid back. We didn't have to go anywhere, we didn't have any big plans, we didn't have to manage is somebody going to be here on time or show up late, and what are they bringing? And let's clean the house and make everything look good. It was so relaxed because we couldn't go anywhere. We were in our pod or whatever it was that year. Everybody remembers this. I'm sure plenty of people had a horrible experience during COVID. My heart goes out to you if that was your experience.

Speaker 1:

And then the following years, christmas Thanksgiving has become better and better because those wounds that I have around my mother's passing, around getting sober, around my dad, those have healed over time and I have been able to look forward to the traditions his family has, because they have a lot of traditions and I really, really love them. For example, the day after Thanksgiving we go get a Christmas tree at a Christmas tree farm and we cut it down. There's a cookie Christmas cookie baking day that his mom, his sisters and I bake cookies Christmas cookies to give to people and their dad eats the cookies as we make them and then we like scold him for eating the cookies, but he continues to eat them and it's part of the tradition, I feel like, but there are just so many joyful things that we plan to do together. It's so funny. My husband and I were dating at this time and I can't remember which year it was, but I remember his dad asking me what family traditions did your family have? Because he wanted to include some of those into their family traditions so that I felt a part of and loved, which was really sweet, and I thought about it and our family traditions were well, we had jokes about our family traditions. Our family traditions were getting a Christmas tree at night in the rain on the 23rd, because my parents both worked full time and there's a lot of chaos in my life. When I was younger, we would run out of time to get a Christmas tree and it seemed always be nighttime and raining when we did go to a Christmas tree lot to get a tree, not having family over could have counted as a tradition, and being stressed and worried around the holidays could have counted for another tradition.

Speaker 1:

So I'm going to share what I've learned from challenging holidays to less challenging holidays, and I'm going to share some tools and tips to help you transform the experience of your holidays. So first, what I've learned is don't run from the feelings you have about the holidays. Be aware if you have any coping mechanisms or actions of escapism that you revert to when the holidays come around. For example, I used to definitely drink more around the holidays. When I was drinking because I was really upset about my family situation and I focused on the lack instead of what was going well and my mind was completely closed off to my holidays being able to be joyful or anything other than the way they were. And every time we have challenges in our life, we are presented with an opportunity for healing and to do something different.

Speaker 1:

When things are uncomfortable, that is a sign from the universe to make a change. Because if we don't make a change, nothing is going to change. We are going to stay stuck, stay uncomfortable, stay stressed out, stay miserable. And I have to warn you, change isn't always comfortable and it doesn't always feel great initially, especially if we are putting our feelings and our needs ahead of other people's needs, wants and feelings. In the beginning it's incredibly uncomfortable, but it's worth it in the long run. So don't run from those feelings. When they come up, try to be open to them. Try to see them as little red flags from the universe that you need to make a change. Maybe you need to seek some support. Maybe you need to talk about the feelings and try to troubleshoot them. Maybe you need to write about them and get to the root of why you're feeling this way and see what you can do to change them. We're going to go over that today, the changing part. We're going to go over the changing part, not the root cause. If you want to talk about the root cause, you can reach out to me and we can talk about the root cause. So anyway, if you have heavy feelings around the holidays, let's talk about what you can do to lighten them up.

Speaker 1:

Was there something you wanted to do when you were a kid that you didn't get to do during the holidays? Or was there something that you looked forward to during the holiday season, like maybe it was driving around looking at Christmas lights with your family, maybe it was your grandma's cookies, maybe it was something small that was really special. Is there something that you could do from your childhood that you could bring into this holiday experience to lighten it up and make it more fun? If you're grieving this holiday season and you miss someone that was really special to you. Was there something you used to do with them? Was there something that reminds you of them that you could do with your significant other or your best friend to commemorate them?

Speaker 1:

Because I've talked about it before, the first couple years of grief, I really wanted to avoid the grief and that wasn't helpful. That was like running away from it. But it was suggested to me to instead plan ahead and do something that made me feel connected to that person and that would make me a little emotional. I'm not gonna lie, but it was very healing. And so, for example, I'm gonna talk about my mom's birthday instead of the holidays. But on my mom's birthday, some years I go to her favorite restaurant because that makes me think of her and I remember her and I going there many, many times and it makes me feel connected to her and it really soothes that part of my heart that is carrying grief. And I usually go with my mother-in-law or my husband, because my mother-in-law is definitely one of my mom figures, my prominent mom figures right now. So is there something like that that you can do to commemorate them instead of trying to run away from that grief.

Speaker 1:

And now, if the holidays are overwhelming and you find yourself having triple the to-do list, you need to have a serious sit down with your inner critic. Slash perfectionist, because your perfectionist side speaks to you as your inner critic. And if you want to learn more about silencing your inner critic, check out my free offering called Stepping off the Chaos Roller Coaster Three Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief. We talk about inner critic work on day two and I share the most powerful tool I use to silence that inner critic, and you can find it at Mrs Hardcom. I'll put a link in the show notes. But anyways, back to the pod.

Speaker 1:

It's really important to address your inner critic dialogue because that can be the force behind your incentives to do more without taking into account your well-being, your energy level. And if you're having a hard time identifying what this inner critic is, it's that voice that tells you you better say yes to X, y, z, because if you don't, people will think poorly of you. It's the voice that tells you if you don't overdo the Christmas gifts, even though you can't afford them, your kids won't have a good Christmas. Your inner critic creates comparison syndrome, like when you're scrolling on social media and you're focusing on how everyone's life is going so perfectly and yours isn't going great right now. It highlights the lack that you feel and it pushes you to try to keep up with the Joneses or think that they are doing more. I should be doing more.

Speaker 1:

So really identify that inner critic voice, that perfectionist voice, and do your best to not listen to it, to not feed into it, because it's not taking you where you want to go and our inner critic psychs us out. It makes us believe that, like, if we do these things, then we'll feel better, where the opposite is true. When we find our validation from within, not from that voice, but from, like, a loving part of our self, our higher self, our higher power, that love that we feel when we can just be okay in our skin, from that space is where we make good choices, not from the inner critic, because we can never please the inner critic, we can never do enough to silence it. So do your best to not listen to that voice and to tap into a more loving, caring, patient and compassionate side of yourself.

Speaker 1:

And another thing that happens to us when we feel completely overwhelmed during the holidays is that sometimes we feel like we have to do X, y and Z because we're always the one who does it. For example, maybe you host the Thanksgiving meal and the Christmas meal and maybe you feel like you have to be the person to do it. You have always been the one to do it and if you don't, it won't get done. And maybe you tell yourself it's because you have the right house for it. They're just more comfortable coming over to your house than someone else's house because it's closer or it's just easier for everyone else. But maybe you don't like to host, maybe it completely stresses you out, it makes you completely exhausted after the holidays. Or maybe it's something like you always send out like a hundred Christmas cards, but the process of making the Christmas cards, scheduling the photographs, printing them out doesn't bring you joy and just really hangs over your head until you get it done and really drains you of your energy. And so if any of these resonate with you, or it just brings to mind another thing that you do during the holidays that you feel obligated to do and you don't like doing something that stresses you out, how do you get out of this cycle?

Speaker 1:

In my opinion, the answer isn't just to drop it. I suggest that you make a list or take some time to consider what's really important to you. Make a list of your least favorite things to do during the holidays, what is draining you the most, and then make a list of what is really important to you, what do you look forward to, what brings you joy, and after you've done that, look at the list of what you don't like to do and ask for help. Ask people either to take it on or to help you with it, and don't be afraid to set a boundary and let it go completely. It is okay to say to your family hey, I know I've always done these things, but this year I just don't have the energy and I just want to give you a heads up because I can't do it this year. But if someone else would like to take it over, you are more than welcome to. This. Statement can be very hard to say, or whatever version of that you can think of applied to your situation can be very hard to say, especially if you don't like hosting. But it's just more convenient.

Speaker 1:

As we talked about, I want you to consider if sacrificing your own health and your own wellbeing is really better for everyone. If this is you. You may be the rock that holds everyone together. It's a lie that holding it all together for everyone else means that you must put everyone else's needs ahead of your own, because the rock is a very important person and when they aren't doing well, the whole family system isn't doing as well as they could be. But if this is a pattern that you've been doing for a long time, sometimes it feels easier in the moment to just continue to do things the way they've always been and not shift the status quo. But by taking care of yourself, by putting your needs first, you're gonna be able to give more to the people around you.

Speaker 1:

I love the saying nothing changes if nothing changes, and I touched on that a little bit earlier, and in the spirit of talking about where to host meals, which is a big to do, my sister-in-law took over hosting a couple of holidays and she had a much smaller house than my in-laws and the gatherings were super sweet because of the coziness of her house, and so if one of your hangups is like somebody else doesn't have a bigger house or a convenient house, maybe you're offering them an opportunity to take this on and A maybe they'll appreciate you way more because it's a lot of work, or B. Maybe you'll find that everyone it has a great time there anyways, because it's more about being together than the actual location or some other surprise that you didn't think of. This is where it's important to have an open mind, because if your mind is closed to know things can't be different, they have to stay this way or people are gonna be upset. If I rock the boat and say that I'm not available, then you're getting yourself locked in. There are no options for change and nothing will change. But if you keep an open mind and you can even suggest it as a test run, like hey, just this year I need a break, I need to change, we're gonna see how it goes. If I take these things off my to-do list or don't commit to these things, it doesn't mean that you can never do them again. Maybe you'll see that you missed them and then you'll appreciate them more the next year when you bring them back on. Or maybe you'll see how you can do it differently. Or you'll notice that no one even noticed that you didn't send out a Christmas card and that it was so great that you decided not to do it because you saved a lot of money and a lot of time.

Speaker 1:

And, like I said earlier, change is uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean that it's always going to be uncomfortable. Sometimes change is uncomfortable just initially, and then that relief, that new fresh energy that we get from making that change, makes it so that we realize that that change was really right for us and exactly what we needed to do. So look at that list and see what you would love to do and make sure to make time to do those special things. Plan it out, invite your significant other, your family, a friend to do something that really brings you joy, that you look forward to, and focus your energy on that instead of the things that drain you. So after you decide what you need and what you wanna let go of, you need to communicate to others your boundary and what you need to do for you, cause it won't go well if you just decide to make a change and you don't communicate it or you wait till the last minute, cause you're really afraid to communicate it and you leave others hanging, because if there's been a pattern, they're going to expect that it's going to continue unless you communicate otherwise, and that's a natural thing. That's not something to get mad at.

Speaker 1:

For me, there were plenty of times that I overdid in relationships or overdid in my life, and then I became resentful at others because they expected it from me. But I set up that expectation and so I had to take ownership of like. Okay, I set up that expectation, so I also need to communicate that I'm making a change, and, even though communicating may be hard, it will be so relieving. You may find that you feel like a thousand pounds just rolled off your shoulders after you communicate what you need to others or what you're deciding to do. And I want you to know who your support system is. You need support when you're making new decisions in your life, especially when they involve family. So tap into your support system. Let them know what you want to do, make them aware that this is going to be hard for you, so that you can rely on them to help you move through your change.

Speaker 1:

Because, like I've talked about before, we don't have to live this life alone. We don't have to make hard decisions alone. We don't have to make big changes alone. So when you make changes like this, everyone wins in the long run, especially you, because when we heal ourselves, when we work on ourselves, it trickles out to everyone we come in contact with and it makes us such a kinder, more peaceful, light-hearted, happy person. And maybe you're not gonna like get rid of all of the things you don't want to do this year, but I challenge you to get rid of at least one big thing on that list that you don't want to do this year, because even that simple change can create so much more energy in your life and Bring so much more joy to your holiday season. Because I can tell you when my mom was super stressed about, you know, making sure she bought us enough presents and made the perfect holiday, even though our family couldn't afford it and even though it was Already awkward and we never talked about the awkwardness, we just kind of tried to survive it. I would have way rather had my mom be not stressed out and experienced joyful family connections rather than clothes we couldn't afford and family tension. And the last thing I want to touch on is being around challenging family members. When it comes to this topic, I love a good plan in the stepping off the chaos roller coaster freebie I talked about earlier.

Speaker 1:

We go into this more in depth on day three. There is a lot of power and stress relief in a good plan. If you're going to a gathering that you're not looking forward to but you still want to show up, there's a few simple things you can do. First, you can show up late and leave early. Minimize your time there, plan what time you'll arrive and plan what time you'll leave, so that if you start feeling uncomfortable, you know you have an out. If people ask you why you aren't staying for very long, you can tell them you're tired. Leave out that you're tired of them. So that statement is true. You aren't lying. You just aren't saying the whole thing. Another thing you can do is stay busy Watch dishes, set the table, take out the trash, mother lawn Just kidding, you probably won't want to mother lawn, but be of service. It'll give you something to focus on. It will help you take your mind off of how uncomfortable you feel. It will make you appear helpful, kind and it's empowering, because you'll have control over your mind. You'll have control over what you're doing. It will probably also make the time fly and it can help you possibly avoid hanging out with those people You're not a big fan of. Another suggestion stick close to the ones you do like.

Speaker 1:

I'm a natural introvert and when I was going through those tough seasons Like the first year I was sober during the holidays or the first season without my mom I was incredibly uncomfortable at family gatherings and I would gravitate towards my fellow Introverts and people that made me feel safe. So think about who you want to follow around or who you want to spend time with during your family gatherings and, lastly, think about what you're grateful for. The holiday season isn't just about gifts and overspending. It's also about gratitude and spending time with the people we love. Remember podcast friends.

Speaker 1:

When challenges arise, like we talked about earlier, they offer us an opportunity for greater healing, and Gratitude can bring on a whole lot of healing. The challenging people in our lives weren't who they were, we wouldn't be who we are today, and I know that's easier said than done. That can be quite a process to get through and healing is messy. It's not a straight line like. You may experience a lot of healing for a period of time and then feel like you're reverting for a Couple of days where you start having a lot of feelings again. Or maybe going to a family Gathering will bring up feelings that you thought you were quote-unquote over where sometimes we're never totally over Something, but we're able to walk with it and we're able to identify what we need to do in the situation, to create less stress in our lives and to take care of ourselves. And for me, that's what healing really looks like. It's not never having the feelings again, but consider if the hardships you've experienced have made you a stronger, wiser, more resilient, empathetic person, because usually that's what hardships will do for people, especially when you've done the healing work to move through it instead of avoiding it.

Speaker 1:

Maybe you can find that you're grateful for certain aspects of your family and what your time with them offers you. People aren't harmful or mean just on their own. They're a product of past harms and past abuse, past neglect, and you are seeing the product of their childhood, a product of what their family or their environment did to them. And when we look at Challenging people and challenging situations through that lens, we can find some compassion for them. And this doesn't mean they need to be your best friend or that you need to spend a whole lot of time with them, or that you need to make them see how they're a product of this, or that they should heal and they should do certain work, but for you, it can offer a Perspective shift that can help you to detach from them in their chaos. When we face our fears and challenges. Armed with the right support, a good plan and some trust in the universe, our past challenges can become way more manageable and lead us to profound healing. Take it from someone who's been there.

Speaker 1:

So, to recap, if the holidays Stress you out and you feel like you have way too much on your to-do list, think about what you would like to do. What did you do when you were a kid? What were your favorite aspects of the holidays when you were a kid? Can you take some time to focus on those things, or just the parts of the holidays that bring you joy? What is one thing you can let go of this holiday season that you can say, hey, I'm not going to do that, somebody else can do it if they want to.

Speaker 1:

And how can you not buy into your inner critic that keeps you in perfectionism mode or overdoing mode? How can you communicate your wants and needs to others? Who are your people? Who is a part of your support network that you can lean on when making these changes, and what kind of plan are you going to make when you're hanging out with challenging people? How can you stay busy? Or who can you hang out with During more challenging family gatherings? That will make the situation more manageable. And don't avoid the hard feelings that come up, but look at what they're trying to tell you, what they're nudging you to change or do differently in your life. So if you want to chat about this more, you can reach out to me through my website, mrs-hardcom, on Instagram, at mrshard underscore times no more. Also, put these links in the show notes. I'll put my Facebook link in the show notes. Alright, that's all I've got for today. Thanks for tuning in, wishing you a joyful holiday season, or at least one that has way less stress than years before. Until next time, take care.