Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast

Q&A Special: Your Burning Questions, Mrs. Hard’s Answers - Ep. 24

December 05, 2023 • Allesanda Tolomei-Hard • Season 1 • Episode 24

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As promised, the Q&A podcast episode is ready for your ears. 🎧


In this episode, I’ve tackled your relatable questions, addressing topics ranging from...

>>>Seasonal depression.

>>>Handling family members struggling with alcoholism.

>>>Adjusting to BIG life challenges.

>>> Leaving toxic relationships.

>>>Deciphering hidden messages beneath health issues.

>>>Navigating grief.

>>>And calling in positive life changes.

If you're riding the waves of life and could use some insights, laughter, and a sprinkle of wisdom, this episode is for you!

I'm here to support you on your journey and provide tools to guide you towards a peaceful, secure, and fulfilling life.

Your journey matters. 

Together, we're creating a space where everyone's experiences are valued, and you can rest assured you are not alone. 

Say hi on Instagram @Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Facebook: Mrs. Hard

If you want to understand alcoholism and what you can do to help an alcoholic loved one, check out Al-Anon.org.


Schedule a FREE 30 Minute Coaching Session With Mrs. Hard
@ Mrs-Hard.com

If you like this episode, leave a review!
Your feedback means the world to me.

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Speaker 1:

Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome to the hard times no more relationship podcast. I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, your host and wellness coach. Today, we're going to be talking about the questions you submitted about grief, life's twists and turns, how to handle stress, how to have healthy boundaries and relationships, stuff that's coming up for you during the holidays and more. Thank you so much for submitting questions. Your questions are not only going to help you find the answers and support that you're looking for, but they also contribute to building this community of support around wellness, healthy relationships and all things. Hard times no more, because we're navigating this life journey together and your experience matters. Being open and sharing our experience about life and how we are feeling is so important because it helps other people feel less alone in their struggle, which is such a big game changer. And sometimes, by asking questions or being open and vulnerable about how we're feeling, we help others put words to the feelings they're experiencing or the life situations that they're going through. So thank you so much for being open and vulnerable and submitting these questions. Side note, all of this will be anonymous, so I'm not going to say anyone's name attached to the question, just to protect their privacy.

Speaker 1:

And you know this is a great time to touch on what a wellness and relationship coach does. I want to create a little bit of clarity here. So, as a wellness and relationship coach, I'm an accountability partner. I hold people accountable. I empower people by listening to them and highlighting what their core struggle is, what's blocking them, so that they can make decisions based on that information. For example, I talk a lot about the inner critic here on this podcast and I help people identify and separate their inner critic from themselves, and that helps them change the narrative in their mind and then, once they know how to do that, they can break down the limiting beliefs that their inner critic is telling them and they can choose whether they want to believe those beliefs or if they want to replace it with a new narrative, and I support clients in achieving their self-directed goals and behavior changes consistent with their vision of well-being the life that they really want.

Speaker 1:

And so what that means is, when somebody is in a relationship that they find challenging, we focus on what they can do to change that relationship, because the other person doesn't have to change for there to be a big shift. Usually, people are reflections of the things that we're struggling with and that information can guide us to heal the uncomfortable feelings that are coming up. And by healing those feelings that come up, healing that experience that we're having with the other person, regardless of whether they change or not that's actually not very important, even though we think it is in the beginning, and that usually gets us into wanting to do the work because we want to change the relationship. We want to change the other person. The universe has a funny way of putting us in this position. We end up healing ourselves and connecting with ourselves better and learning tools that we can use then for any life challenges. And so it starts with wanting to change something in our lives something external and it leads us to changing something internal. That can be used in many different ways afterwards.

Speaker 1:

But once again, these are self-directed goals. These aren't things that I'm imposing on other people, saying that they need to change. I'm like just shining the little metaphoric flashlight on, like hey, maybe we should look at this and then reflecting to the person what is coming up for them and then holding them accountable, because sometimes we start on a personal wellness journey of any sorts Maybe it's with our relationship, or maybe it's with wanting to experience more peace or less stress or whatever it is and it's hard for us to stay accountable, to stay on track, because life happens, we get sidetracked, we get busy, we have good intentions, but then we lose momentum or our energy runs out because something happens in life and our energy goes all over the place. Being a wellness coach really helps you to continue down the path you want to go down to keep you focused, to keep you on track, and so that's what a wellness coach does, and what I'm sharing with you are the tools I use and love from my personal experience, because my life has changed so much from learning from others who have gone through life's challenges and come out the other side. That's what worked for me.

Speaker 1:

I love the quote if you want what they have, you got to do what they do, and so that's how I found so much healing in my life was being around people who had the life I want, and that was more of an internal life than an external life, like a lot of peace in their life, even though externally things were crazy or they had gone through incredible challenges and come out the other side a happier, healthier version of themselves. Those are the people I wanted to learn from, and so I've worked with coaches who've coached me, I've had sponsors, I've had mentors, and that's where I've learned a lot of my tools. Along with, I've studied Eastern medicine and studied various meditation practices, and I have created this blend of things that really work and it's like an instruction book for life. That's how I feel that it's worked for me and I can implement it and use it for any life situation, and so I share with people suggestions and tools to help them get to where they want to go.

Speaker 1:

And so I want to make it very clear I'm not the person with all of the answers. I'm here to empower you to see your answers within you. You already have everything you need within you At this present moment, even if you don't feel like you do. In my experience, it's more about waking up to the gifts you already have within you, waking up to the choices you can make, to have more trust in the universe, to have more faith in the universe, to reconnect with yourself, because even when we have relationship problems, it's usually not about the other person. There's so much to learn within us and we already have the capacity to access our answers, but sometimes we just need a little help and guidance.

Speaker 1:

In the transformation that I have experienced in my life through getting sober, through losing my mom to cancer, to growing up with a father with chronic illness, to losing my house in a fire, to going from really dysfunctional relationships before 2015 to now very healthy, peaceful, calm relationships even sometimes they're with dysfunctional people that whole process learning how to do that inspired me to become a coach and help others. And I thought a couple years ago, hmm, I wonder if this would work for other people. And it does, and it did. And that's what keeps me recording these podcasts and showing up and doing workshops and doing all these things, because I want to help people feel that joy, that fulfillment, that empowerment that I feel through life's ups and downs, like we've talked about before, like it doesn't mean life is going to become perfect and always go smoothly. For me, that isn't the goal, that's not realistic. But like, how can we flow with life? How can we have ease amidst life's storms? Instead of like swimming upstream and trying to control and creating more stress in our life, how can we really just go with the flow and let go more? And it's those like small choices we make every day that make all the difference, and it's like understanding what those small choices are that make a bigger difference. And so that's my soapbox for today, because I'm so passionate about this work.

Speaker 1:

And disclaimer I do not diagnose, I do not interpret medical data, I do not prescribe or deperscribe, I do not recommend supplements. I do not provide nutrition consultation or create meal plans, provide exercise prescriptions or instructions, consult or advise or provide psychological advice. I do not recommend medical therapeutic interventions or treatment. I am sharing with you today my experience and the experience that I've seen work for other people, and I just need to be very clear about where I'm coming from so that you can wake up to what resonates with you. You know, another quote I love is take what you like and leave the rest. This is just for you to listen to one human being and decide how you can implement that in your life, if you choose to help you with whatever you're going through. Because what I've loved about this podcast so far is like I honestly just kind of follow what the universe points at me to do, and this week it was a Q&A and there's a chance that you may relate to some of the questions that people ask, and so I'm gonna just share my experience with this and my experience of what I've seen, and you can take what you like and leave the rest. All right, so let's get into it. First question Hi, mrs Hard, I love your podcast and I listen every week. Aw, thanks. I love that.

Speaker 1:

I'm feeling a little nervous about an upcoming family gathering. One of my cousins will be there and I think she has a drinking problem. I want to help her, but I don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be appreciated, thanks, ah, man, that's hard, because it's hard to watch the people we love struggle and I wish that I could give you an answer that would help your cousin stop drinking. But in my experience, you cannot control another person's drinking. You can't get them to stop. You can't get them to start if they've stopped for a while. You know it just isn't your fault and it's just something that you can't control.

Speaker 1:

Sharing from my experience, I was oblivious to the fact that I had a problem with alcohol for a very long time I mean, we're talking like 10 plus years and the best thing you can do for your cousin is just to love them the way they are right now, and that looks different for everyone. It doesn't mean that you let them walk all over you or that you condone what they're doing or you encourage them to do one thing or another. You know to keep drinking or to stop drinking. This is a time to check in with yourself and decide what you're comfortable with, because, for me, my consequences that I experienced, which were mostly emotional, when I drank, were the reasons why I decided to stop drinking, so my consequences ultimately got me to stop drinking. They were good for me. So, like consequences aren't bad for people who are making decisions that are hurting them or others.

Speaker 1:

And for a long time I really wanted to save other people from pain, people I was in dysfunctional relationships with. I thought I had that control or that power, and I learned that first of all, it was my ego that thought I had control and power over that, even though it was very well intentioned, because I really cared about these people and I saw the best in them. And second, letting them have consequences helped them to change their behavior, if they were gonna change their behavior. So when we talk about consequences, it's like do your best to not prevent something from happening. For example, if your cousin's making a fool of themselves, you know, let them make a fool of themselves.

Speaker 1:

If you don't want to be around your cousin when they're drinking and you only wanna spend time with them when they're not drinking, you can communicate that to them. I would suggest doing it when they're not drinking so that there's a better chance that they can hear you and you can set that boundary that like, hey, I really love you, but I really just wanna spend time with you when you aren't drinking. You can also limit the amount of time that you spend with them and create a little plan before you see them and know when you're gonna walk away. You know, and I love having someone to call when I know I'm going into an uncomfortable situation or text. It can be a friend. It could be somebody that you trust or look up to so that when you feel uncomfortable you have someone to support you if you're gonna make a tough decision like leaving.

Speaker 1:

I would also suggest expressing your concern one time to them, if you haven't already. Don't nag them and bring it up over and over again. Let's see if you can find a time when they're not drinking or not hungover, if that's possible, this person might drink all the time and express your concern to them, but just do it once and don't have any expectations of them to change their life or stop drinking, because that will end up making you resentful and hurting you. And then I would suggest learning all you can about alcoholism, because it is a disease, it's a mental illness, and you can have compassion for the alcoholic without condoning their behavior or putting yourself in harm's way, and that's the balance. That's the gray area that you're gonna have to decide for yourself. You know, and in my experience, I have had hope with people and that's different than expectation. It's really hard to watch people you love make decisions that harm them, and Al-Anon has helped me a ton in this area. There are a lot of meetings all over the world and there are online meetings and so like. If you're really uncomfortable about going to a meeting, you can find a meeting at alanonorg and then you can even like sign on and have your screen blacked out the whole time. But I encourage you to try to keep your screen on or go to an in-person meeting, because you'll be able to meet people who struggle with alcoholics in their lives and they learn how to have a healthy relationship with alcoholics in their lives and then this ripples into the rest of your life in a very positive way and in my experience it has made it so that I can have positive relationships with many people in my life and have healthy boundaries, and I also learned to cultivate a lot of self love in alanon. So, yeah, you can find links to meetings at their website. Again, that's alanonorg. I'll put that link in the show notes for you.

Speaker 1:

Next question Hi. I just moved and broke up with my long-term partner. We had been together for over 10 years and our relationship was very dysfunctional. My partner was controlling, which made me feel invisible. I also recently had a health problem come up and I'm feeling very stressed. Do you have any suggestions for stress relief? Well, if that were me, I would practice one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time or one hour at a time, because that is a lot of change to go through and how I've looked at my health challenges that have come up because of stress is usually the universe telling me that it's time to slow down, that it's time to focus on myself and listen to what my body needs.

Speaker 1:

Lately, I have really been focusing on how much I've been underestimating the influence of stress on my life. I don't know about you, but our culture talks so much about stress, stress, stress. We're all under stress. We should be working less, we should be doing self-care, we should be taking a bath every day, lighting candles. We should just get rid of this stress. But at the same time I don't know about you, but I like to be a very busy person and I underestimate how much stress is impacting my life and I'm not always super excited about doing the quote unquote prescribed self-care. It turns into more of like I should be doing that and then feeling bad that I'm not doing it, and so I've learned to have a different relationship with self-care.

Speaker 1:

For me, self-care can look like not having a super busy schedule but having a more relaxed schedule. Self-care can look like making exercise a priority in my day or eating a certain way that makes me feel really comfortable about my health, like I'm taking care of my body is an act of self-care and paying attention to what really winds me up versus what really nourishes me. So for me, when I have like a flexible schedule, I don't feel as much pressure and stress and that alone helps my stress level. I've also been doing short guided meditations, just like five minute or three minute meditations. I've also played around with Wim Hof breathing. You can find it on YouTube and that really helps me reset my stress level.

Speaker 1:

And with so many changes going on because you just went through a lot of change I feel like times like that for me have been a rebirth, which is really uncomfortable and really messy, because deep healing deep work. Big changes in our life usually are pretty messy and I don't know about you, but my brain tells me that it's time to control everything and that I need to get through this healing process real quickly and I just want everything to be okay again. And that's not how it works. It's like I have to surrender to the fact that I'm on the universe's timeline and times of big change like that for me have been an opportunity for me to create a lot of trust and faith in the universe and create that relationship that give and take. And so when I feel uncomfortable because things are new, they're different and I don't know what to do but I know I want to change my behavior I actually like say a little prayer, a little mantra, like higher power, universe, like show me what you want to do. And I tune into positive podcasts and I listen to Eckhart Tolle and do things that help me shift my mindset to where I want it to be instead of what it used to be. I hope that makes sense. And so like exposing yourself to new things, exposing yourself to positivity during this time of transition.

Speaker 1:

Spend very intentional time with yourself, especially in the morning, because that will set you up for the rest of the day. I suggest creating a little morning routine. Morning routines can be incredibly underestimated, but when we show up for ourselves first in the morning, we are making ourselves a priority and saying to ourselves you are important. And sometimes we're looking for that validation from other people, especially if we've been in dysfunctional relationships. Sometimes I know for me in my dysfunctional relationships I thought if only the dysfunctional person could approve of me, then I could approve of myself when really I needed to find that validation, that self-approval from within. And for me that came from putting myself first at the beginning of the day, showing up for myself, meditating, writing, doing the healing things, the healing work, letting it be messy, seeing who is that new person that's gonna come out of this. Because when you transform through times like this, you actually become a completely different person. On the other side. It happens very slowly and you don't have to consciously be aware of it 24 seven. But when we slow down we can make different decisions and decide in this situation, is this supporting where I want to be going or is it feeding who? I used to be Just tuning into that question and so to summarize that I know I gave you a lot of information. I would take things one day at a time, one moment at a time. Practice little bits of stress relief through the day. Don't make it a big thing. Keep it simple and start a morning routine Alright, next question hey, I'm struggling with seasonal depression.

Speaker 1:

With the days being shorter, it being colder and rainy outside, I gravitate towards isolation, but this fuels my seasonal depression. I try to fix it by scheduling time to hang out with people, but I'm an introvert and I get burnt out from all these social hangouts. I'm having a hard time finding the sweet spot between alone time and socializing. Any suggestions? Yeah, seasonal depression is real and it's hard. I don't have it. I get a little blue sometimes, but I don't have seasonal depression.

Speaker 1:

A couple of people in my family struggle with this and it's one of those invisible struggles, because you can't see it like a broken arm, and I think we talk a lot about invisible struggles here a lot of more mental struggles, right? So my heart goes out to you because I hear you that this time of year is very hard for you. We're recording in December and so you got a couple months ahead. That can be a little challenging. I personally don't think that there is an easy solution for this like a quick fix, because what I've watched my family members experience is that their mind is against them in this situation and their mood starts out at a low point every single day and it can feel like an uphill battle every morning. And so what I've learned from this and experiences similar to this because I've definitely gone through times of depression and anxiety is to manage expectations of what success looks like.

Speaker 1:

And for me, when I've experienced challenges like this, my mind can kind of get me stuck in this loop where I feel upset that I'm not okay and I have a hard time being okay with not being okay, and that sets me up for this compounding discomfort. And during times like this, my inner critic has gotten really loud, and when that happens, I think it's best to really get into action and to know that this is going to be an uphill battle and that I would just need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and know that, like a practice, and discipline during this time is going to be the game changer. It's going to be super important to be disciplined to do the things that are going to make me feel better, even though I don't want to do them during this time. Also, what I've learned is that getting outside first thing in the morning is really good for depression and anxiety, even if it's cloudy, that exposure to sunlight helps our brain, it helps our hormones, it helps our body and getting moving first thing in the morning is really helpful. We got to get those endorphins going. We got to earn those endorphins too, because during times of depression it can be very easy, you know, for some people to drink more or to smoke weed or to use excess sugar.

Speaker 1:

I'm not saying don't eat sugar at all, I'm just saying, like excess sugar, because we want those dopamine hits, we want to feel different than how we are feeling in that moment, and running from that creates a hit but then creates a crash because, like with sugar, in my experience my blood sugar goes up and comes down, like what goes up must come down. And then I know alcohol is a depressant, weed is also a depressant and for people who already are depressed, it's just going to put you more in a depressive whole. So just consider those things with what you're putting into your body. Like I said, I'm not a nutritionist. I'm not giving any food advice, it's just something to think about. You know, what are we putting into our bodies? I consider what I'm putting into my body, especially when I'm feeling more fragile, you know, is my first thought of like, hmm, I really want to indulge in cake right now. Is that really going to take me where I want to go? And like, is it okay to do that occasionally? Yes, but for me, my blood sugar is very sensitive and it directly impacts my mood, and so I know when my mood is not doing well, I really make sure to eat more protein and I really make sure to eat three times a day and to move my body more to earn those endorphins.

Speaker 1:

And I know it's hard to connect when we feel uncomfortable. I'm somebody who, when I felt very uncomfortable after loss, it's felt like pulling teeth to talk to people and I felt like they don't get me and they don't understand my situation and my mind has created a lot of distance between me and the other person. And this is a great time again to just get comfortable with being uncomfortable and know that connection for me also creates endorphins. And sometimes my mind will tell me before going to a social gathering, you know, like that I shouldn't be there, I don't have the energy. I don't really want to do it. But then, once I'm there, I really feel good, and when I feel in this more fragile state, I just pay attention to who I'm spending time with. Where am I putting my energy? And I spend more time with the people who I can really be myself around.

Speaker 1:

When I feel fragile like this, this is not the time that I'm going to be around people who trigger me. I'm going to say no to hanging out with them and I'm going to say yes to hanging out with the people who make me feel loved, empowered, supported and are cool with me being a little messy or being awkward or whatever is coming up, you know. So for me, what works is to get that really positive momentum going first thing in the morning, because that's going to set up the rest of your day, your mood for the rest of your day, and to do your best to not listen to the inner critic within, just to know that that thing may be talking but you don't have to buy into what it's saying and that it's going to be hard but, like, staying disciplined with what works for you is going to support you in the long run and that when we have hard times, it's important to be able to lean on those we love in our life. We don't have to be holding it all together because my brain wants me to believe that I'm alone, but I know that that thought isn't right. So I just have to pick myself up and override my thoughts and just get into action, doing the next right thing. You know and practice gratitude after connection. When my brain is telling me the next day that I'm too tired, I don't want to connect with people, I shouldn't have spent time with people the day before because I'm really tired the next day which usually isn't because of the connection my brain will just say that to feel gratitude for the people in my life. Instead of playing into that narrative.

Speaker 1:

And when I'm going through a rough time in life, I love thinking of the Chumble Wamba song. You know, I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never going to keep me down. I get knocked down. If you don't know that song, go look it up. Chumble Wamba yes. Just replay that in your mind over and over and just like, maybe do a little dance to it, get yourself pumped. You know, get inspired.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, in this Q&A I'm so excited about these questions, but it's going a little bit longer than I expected. It's turning into quite the podcast, so I'm just gonna answer one more and we'll save other questions for another time. So this question what do you do when your loved one is grieving and your loved one's partner isn't supporting them Through their grief the way you would like them to man? That's hard, and I feel like the focus here is on forgiveness, because everyone experiences grief differently and some people don't know what to do when their partner is Is grieving or feeling upset, especially if they tend to be the stronger person in the relationship. In my experience, sometimes the partner who's not the stronger one or doesn't make as many decisions or really relies on the other one kind of freaks out, and they may or may not realize that they're doing this, and so I would suggest Cultivating compassion for the person who's not behaving the way you want them to and working on getting to a place of acceptance of who they are. And there is a lot there to unpack, and For me, in my experience, it takes a while because for me, my dad Wasn't the person I wanted him to be for a very, very, very long time and it created a lot of resentment.

Speaker 1:

I didn't like how he showed up for my mom when she was sick. I didn't like how he showed up for me when I was going through challenges, I mean when my mom had cancer. He was still very focused on himself, his situation and how he was doing, instead of Really considering how he could best support my mom or support my mom in any way. And he just wasn't Capable and didn't have the capacity for that. And it wasn't his fault that he couldn't be the person that I wanted him to be at that time and for me. I had to find a lot of forgiveness Towards him in a lot of acceptance, and instead I showed up for my mom as my best self, ready and willing to help her with whatever she needed help with and to support her the best I could. And to realize that was all I could do is just my best.

Speaker 1:

And sometimes Other people are doing their best even if we don't think they are, and so for me, when that happens, there's a lot of judgment there and I have to Recalibrate in the sense of like I don't want people to judge me for how I'm handling my life and so I need to be Kind and give more grace and compassion to others. You know like flip it around on ourselves. Remember, the people in our lives are mirrors of what we're dealing with, and so if we're judging somebody else for how they're behaving, would we want to be judged in that way? You know, maybe they're just doing the best they can With what they have in their toolbox, and then this is a great time to demonstrate the care that you want to give to the other person. You know like be the change you want to see and and just focus on your relationship with the person in your life who's grieving and Supporting them as best you can, and then letting go of the rest and Trying to take the focus off of what someone else isn't doing, because that's not productive or helpful.

Speaker 1:

And sometimes we are channeling our frustrations on to other people and we feel like if only they would behave this way, then everything would be better, and we really don't know that. So give yourself a lot of grace during this time, because maybe You're hurting, watching your loved one hurt, and just be aware if you're projecting your frustrations and your hurt onto others, work on cultivating acceptance and forgiveness. I would suggest writing about this and writing about what you can and cannot control in the situation and what you can do in the situation to feel peace within yourself. Alright, I'm so grateful to be on this journey with you. This was the first Q&A, so send me a message on Instagram or Facebook and let me know if you liked it or not. If you liked it, we'll do more episodes like this. I'll put the links to my Instagram and Facebook in the show notes and, until next time, take care.