Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast
Allesanda Tolomei- Hard A.K.A. Mrs. Hard of www.mrs-hard.com is your grounded, empathetic, compassionate wellness coach. She shares her experience to help you heal challenging personal and family relationship problems with tried-and-true methods to set healthy boundaries and detach with love.
If you are ready to experience fulfilling, meaningful connections you are in the right place. You can transform difficult relationships and find happiness without putting aside your needs or waiting for others to change. Let people-pleasing and codependence fall away and say goodbye to hard times for good.
Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast
Embrace Your Worth & Cultivate Confidence for Entrepreneurs & Caregivers- Ep. 40
In 2016, I had a wild adventure on the Pacific Crest Trail that led me to start my own business. I elaborate on this unexpected event in this podcast episode.
The short story is that burnout from pushing too hard on the trail ultimately led me to start my first business as a massage therapist.
Being in business has brought up many parts of myself that have been hard to look at: anxiety, perfectionism, self-worth issues, codependence, and other unexpected challenges.
Though it’s been a journey, working through these issues has enhanced my relationship with myself, allowed me to care for others without sacrificing my own needs, and taught me not to place my worth on the success or challenges of my business or the well-being of others.
To be honest, these issues still come up from time to time.
As I’m writing this email, I just finished an impromptu coffee date with Lisa, a facilitator at the EmpowerHer workshop last Sunday, and took a nap in my office. I was feeling uninspired and a bit tired, and I had a 3-hour break before my next client. There was a time in my business when my schedule was so full that I didn’t have room to breathe, to be flexible, and to wander around Jefferies General. I would have been too worried about getting it all done and doing it perfectly to allow myself to take my mind off of my to-do’s and rest to reset and reignite my inspiration.
But not today, and that is thanks to the internal work that my business pushed me to do.
So, if you are a business owner, entrepreneur, caregiver, or simply the woman who does it all for everyone, you will find this episode valuable.
In this episode, we’ll talk about:
>> How managing anxiety can be challenging, especially when it comes to balancing your business (caring for others) and personal life.
>> The importance of creating healthy boundaries, practicing detachment, and bringing in some good self-care—practices that are essential for a balanced and fulfilling life.
>> Embracing your self-worth and cultivating the confidence needed to shine in all areas of your life. Including how to get inspired when you are in a funk and feel empowered to make time for more joy.
Plus, I’ll share some effective stress-relief practices to help you find calm amidst the chaos.
Tune in to learn how to transform your anxiety into confidence and live a more balanced life.
Website: Mrs-Hard.com
Instagram: Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Facebook: Mrs.Hard
Don't let anxiety control you any longer. Take the first step towards a joyful life without fear. Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing and relationship problems.
Speaker 1:I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use in love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey there, welcome to the Hard Times no More Relationship Podcast. I'm Alessandra Tolomey Hart, aka Mrs Hart, your host.
Speaker 1:So last Sunday, lisa Fonville from Hemlock House Photography, sakan Nek, who's also a photographer and a tea guru, and myself hosted the Empower Her Business Babes Workshop, and our theme was embracing your worth and cultivating confidence, and I took participants through a practice to relieve anxiety. And whether you were at the workshop or you want to catch us next time. Today on the podcast, I'm going to share the talk that I did there and dive into how you can use this practice not only to relieve anxiety around your business, but also how to use this practice in your relationships and to relieve anxiety you have within yourself. And what I mean about relieving anxiety with yourself is how to become easier on yourself, release perfectionism and release the shoulda coulda wouldas. And this podcast episode is going to take a couple of twists and turns because I want to dive more into the story that brought me to how I started my own business. So I don't think many people know this story, but back in 2016, I was five months sober and one of my dreams for a long time had been to hike the Pacific Crest Trail.
Speaker 1:If you don't know what the Pacific Crest Trail is, it's a trail that starts on the border of Mexico and California and ends on the border of Washington and Canada, and I believe the trail is about 2,600 miles. So I just looked it up and the trail is 2,650 miles, so very close. And if you've seen the movie Wild, it's based on this woman hiking parts of the Pacific Crest Trail, and hundreds to thousands of people definitely in the thousands hike this trail every year, and a lot of them start out with the intention of starting in Mexico, on the border of Mexico and California, and hiking the entire trail. But life happens, and I think a small percentage of those people who start out to do the entire thing make it through, because it's very challenging to be out there for three to six months backpacking.
Speaker 1:So young Mrs Hard in her 20s always had aspirations to do things like hiking the Pacific Crest Trail or traveling and having unique, intense experiences. That's what I used to be drawn to, and for years I thought I was going to hike the whole thing, but I could never get my life together, never get enough money together or get enough time off work or you name it to make it happen. But in 2016, I decided to just hike a portion, and so my original intention was to end in Tahoe and I ended up ending in Bakersfield, which was still 470 miles that I hiked and 620 something ish trail miles, and there's trail closures on parts of it, and so that's why I have a different number for how many I hiked versus how many miles I traveled on the Pacific Crossrail and a friend of mine hitchhiked a little bit of it too, and so I'm just keeping it honest, keeping it real I did like 470 miles of 600 and something. So this all ties into how my business started, I promise, and I'm going to get into that now. So I was about two weeks in and I had received the trail name Crush. A lot of people receive a trail name on the Pacific Crush Trail and on the Appalachian Trail and somebody gives you your trail name and I had met this girl a couple days into my journey and she was such a fast hiker and her trail name I gave to her the Breeze, because she just hiked so fast, so effortlessly and she did so many miles each day and the Breeze and I became friends and I loved how many miles the Breeze was hiking.
Speaker 1:I thought it was very exciting to hike like close to 30 miles a day, and so I ended up getting a lot of blisters on my feet because I was hiking in Southern California through the desert and my feet had swelled to like two times the size and we had made friends with two other people and the breeze and these two other people had gone up ahead of me because I needed to take a day's rest in Idlewild, california, to get new shoes and let my blisters start to heal. So I got back on trail in the desert and I was trying to catch up with them. So I was really pushing myself and I was doing 30 mile days, which are big days, out there and you're carrying a pack, you carry six liters of water because you don't know where your next water will be, and it's a whole thing. And so, needless to say, a couple days into hiking like that, I got burnt out and I had made it to this infamous McDonald's at Cajon Pass and I was all ready to get a motel room which even the like grimiest motels seemed like heaven when you've been backpacking for several days. So I got my McDonald's and I went to the motel and all of the rooms were taken and I about lost it because I was tired, burnt out, fatigued, probably a little dehydrated, all of the above, and I just started crying in the lobby and the details are a little fuzzy, but I remember that there was another hiker there and I had seen him on the trail a couple of days before and he was traveling solo and he had been camping by himself and he said hey, my room has two beds. Do you want to share a room with me? And I remember looking at him and doing a scan of like is this person a creeper or not? And my gut told me that he was safe, that he wasn't going to hurt me. And luckily, my gut was right and he suggested that, while we wait for his room, we go get some food, because the food always helps when you're having a nervous breakdown and you've been backpacking for multiple days. So we went to Del Taco next door and I got a burrito with French fries in it. It was amazing. And then the room was ready and I got some sleep and I took a nap and he told me you know, my wife and I have a deal that, like, anytime I really want to quit, I have to wait two days. And if I still want to quit in two days, she said she'll pick me up, she'll help me get home immediately. But I have to give myself that space, that two day period, to make sure I really want to get off trail, because everybody has days that they don't want to be on the trail, just like with whatever life path you're on with your work, even if you're passionate about it, there's days you don't want to do it and it just means that maybe you need to get a burrito from Del Taco with some french fries in it and take a nap and then revisit your situation later, because when I woke up I felt so much better.
Speaker 1:And my friend who his trail name later became Detail it was a different trail name At first. His trail name was Medicine man, but he wanted to change it because there's multiple medicine mans on trail and people always thought he was like slinging drugs or something because his name was Medicine man and he was very detail oriented. So that's how his trail name became Detail. And my trail name was Crush, because I like to crush miles and the breeze had given me that trail name days before. Anyways, the breeze was ahead of me, still with our two friends, but I started hiking with Detail and I started hiking at Detail's pace and we were hiking like 10 to 15 miles per day, which I totally needed, and we had a lot of time to chat.
Speaker 1:And on one of the days we were hiking he asked me why I didn't have my own business. At the time I was doing massage therapy at a really nice spa in the Napa Valley and I was waiting tables at a restaurant. I was on call at both places, so I had a flexible schedule and I had a couple of other odd jobs and I was only a massage therapist, not a wellness coach yet, and I said there's no way, I want to start my own business. Both of my parents had their own businesses and had so many financial problems and I saw them working like 60, 80 hours a week. They were miserable and I was so scared that that would be me. Detail had his own and still has his own electrician business.
Speaker 1:I believe, if he's listening, and I have that wrong, sorry electrician business. I believe, if he's listening, and I have that wrong, sorry. And his wife at the time had a dance studio that was very successful where she taught Nia, which is a form of movement that gets your heart rate going and a lot of women really loved it, especially in her area. And his wife is an Aries. I'm an Aries and so I'm paraphrasing because it was a very long time ago, but what I remember him saying was something along the lines of you're an Aries, you'll do great in business, and watching your parents made it so that you learned a lot of lessons and you won't make the same mistakes as them. Trust me. And I don't know if it was a higher power moment or what it was, but I totally trusted him.
Speaker 1:And for the next two days we talked all about what it looks like to start a business and what I would have to do. That's how I remember it. And then we started hiking 30 miles a day through the Mojave Desert, because we switched from detail pace to crush pace. And that was a hilarious experience, because we were only hiking at night because the Mojave was so hot and we just wanted to get through the dang desert. And then we stopped our journey at Lake Isabella, so that 470 miles was a wild ride. And in that process I decided to start my own business.
Speaker 1:And when I came back, in typical Aries fashion, I started renting an office within two weeks and got a business license. At first I rented the office only one day a week, on Mondays, from another massage therapist. Serendipitously, when I came back from my trip, she proposed this idea to me. So the universe was conspiring to help me start my own business. And then I started doing chair massage at the farmer's market, and every time I went to the farmer's market, I didn't care about how many people I massaged or how much money I made at the farmer's market. My goal was to get one new client from the farmer's market into my practice. And then my practice grew and grew and grew and I changed office locations and rented a space in which I could practice four days a week and at the time I was still working two other jobs on call and I was doing massage therapy and I wasn't charging nearly enough for my massage therapy sessions, because if you're a business owner and you're listening, you will relate.
Speaker 1:Setting my prices felt like I was putting a dollar sign directly on me and it was terrifying and uncomfortable and completely challenged my self-worth. Because, side note, starting a business was really exciting but I totally underestimated how many of my own insecurities would come up. And through business I have found the opportunity not always the most comfortable opportunity, but the opportunity to work on a lot of my insecurities, because if you own your own business, you know that it is an extension of you and it challenges a lot of your self-worth. So setting my prices was incredibly uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:Asking clients to rebook made me feel like a sleazy sales person I was obviously offering them something they did not want. That is what my mind told me, and so I would have to go into what I call robot mode, where I would just say, like, would you like to reschedule? And just say it. And it was so uncomfortable to just say it, but I just had to say it and that was really helpful. And a practitioner that I really look up to, dr Debbie Victoria Seal. She told me that as a practitioner, you're not fully supporting your clients if you are not asking them to rebook, if you're not helping them stay accountable to their own well-being and self-care process, which they're receiving through you. So thank you, dr Debbie. That was very helpful. So I did that and I also would way overbook myself between my two other jobs and doing massage therapy and it would completely burn me out because I would be anxious the night before about how much work I'd scheduled the next day. But I didn't feel like I could say no to any opportunities or anyone because I might miss out or I might not get the clients or the full practice that I really want.
Speaker 1:But, plot twist, what ended up really helping my business was creating boundaries, because my boundaries attracted the clients I wanted because I was valuing my time and people can sense that on an energetic level to put yourself first by taking days off and creating the time you need in your schedule and then booking around. That it is, in my experience, the best way to do business, because then you're taking care of yourself first, which is allowing you to show up as your full, best, bright self in that moment, on that day. You don't have to be perfect, just showing up as your shiny self and able to support your clients in such a healthier way. And some people they find relief through hiring out certain things and tasks that they don't want to do so that they can make more time for themselves. But it's so important if you have your own business or this can be applied to if you're a caretaker or you have a very demanding job and you're able to create some flexibility in your schedule. Don't let your mind tell you can't. You can find a way to do it. I believe that that's possible. But anyways, when you make this time for yourself first, everyone wins.
Speaker 1:So what I've learned on this business journey with my first business Unwind Mind, body, soul is that my business successes and challenges do not define me. So one of my favorite practices is the practice of detachment. Practicing detachment means that your business, successes and challenges do not define your self-worth. Your business is not supposed to validate you. Other people are not supposed to validate you. For example, if you're in a relationship and you want your partner to tell you that you're smart and pretty and successful all the time, but you don't believe that about yourself, those words will be empty. They will never mean anything until you believe it about yourself first.
Speaker 1:Also, if you're waiting for everything to be peaceful in your business life, for your business to reach a certain level of success, for something to happen, for you to have peace, that's also not going to be fulfilling. Just like if you're in a chaotic relationship and you're telling yourself you know, once this person I love finally takes care of themselves and is able to take themselves to their own doctor's appointments and leave the house and take a shower and eat all the vegetables, then my life will be peaceful. Whenever you place your peace outside of yourself, you cannot accomplish peace. And the same goes for having your own business and wanting your business to be the thing that allows you to accept peace into your life. You can have peace. It's constantly waiting for you, but it's an inside job and when you work on that peace within then approach your business or your relationship without expectations. That is when everything falls into place. It may feel a little bit backwards, but trust me, when you want peace in your life, you have to go within. You can't wait till your job is more stable, until your business is more successful, till your relationship is more fulfilling. You have to find it from within first.
Speaker 1:And let's say you've lost your passion for your business and you're in a creative rut. Taking care of yourself, putting yourself first, detaching from your business and you're in a creative rut. Taking care of yourself, putting yourself first, detaching from your business, will allow you to access creativity because you'll be able to fill your cup. And when you're feeling uninspired, that's really a red flag just warning you that you're depleted and that you need to shift your focus for a little bit. Maybe take a trip, maybe get a massage, maybe go shopping or do something that inspires you. And sometimes it's something that's not related to your business in any way, not related to whatever you're struggling with, but just something that brings you joy. And if you're not sure what it is that brings you joy if you've lost contact and connection with that. This is the universe beckoning you to discover what lights you up.
Speaker 1:So many people spend their whole life pushing and pushing, believing that you don't deserve to take time for yourself unless you have been pushing, unless things have been challenging, have been hard. You have to earn it. But that is not true, my friend. You can take time for yourself. You can do things that light you up, like gardening or painting or spending time with your kids, making those things a priority. They don't have to dominate the whole day and your whole work schedule, but taking enough time to find fulfillment and joy through the things you love will make it so that everything else flows. I promise, I promise, promise, promise, because the excitement that you'll feel, the joy that you'll, that you'll feel afterwards, the fulfillment that you'll feel, will attract the clients that you want into your business. It will attract the healthier relationships, the healthier interactions within the relationships you already have. That is why self-care can be so underestimated. People can be like, yeah, yeah, self-care, bubble baths, whatever, but it's like no, like we're here to have an experience, joy, and we don't have to do hard things to have permission to have good experiences. So that's my little soapbox rant about self-care.
Speaker 1:So diving in to detachment a little further. Detachment doesn't mean you don't care and you're not committed. It doesn't mean that you don't care about the person or your business. If you practice detachment. Detachment means creating healthy boundaries so that your business or your relationship doesn't dominate your life, your emotions, your family time, your self-worth. And practicing detachment allows you to view challenges and success with a more balanced perspective, preventing anxiety and burnout, and it allows you to make clear decisions, have greater creativity and a more sustainable approach to entrepreneurship and your life.
Speaker 1:Detachment is truly amazing. Can you feel it? I can feel it, and so the brass tacks how to practice detachment boundaries having set days for certain things. You know I have two businesses massage therapy, which I have, a weightless practice. I'm very grateful for that. And then wellness coaching, and that includes one-on-one coaching, workshops, retreats, this podcast, social media, so many things. So there are certain days that I do certain things. That helps me stay organized. It helps me have enough time to go for really long walks in the morning and to take naps. I've been a big napper lately. I've been really enjoying it. It allows me ample time to meditate in the morning, where I get super pumped and inspired and it allows me to meet friends for coffee, you know, do all the things that I love. And then having my own practice and setting my own schedules in both businesses I can also take time off with my husband when I want and I just plan ahead. So schedules really work for me and that organization really works for me.
Speaker 1:Another part of detachment that may be hard to hear at first is letting go of clients' experiences and outcomes, and I'm going to speak just to the business owners right now because, as a business owner, you may feel like what? That doesn't make any sense. Of course I'm responsible for their experience and outcome. That's why they're coming to me. Responsible for their experience and outcome. That's why they're coming to me. In my experience, you are not responsible for anyone's experience or outcome. And let me tell you why.
Speaker 1:I can show up as my best self, providing the best service I can. Let's say, with massage therapy, somebody comes in, they have sciatica and I have tools and methods to help treat sciatica and I go through all of the protocols that I have and the client doesn't like the way I practice. I practice orthopedic massage, so clients leave their clothes on and they participate in the therapy like physical therapy, and it's not some people's jam. Some people would prefer to just be completely passive during their massage, which is 100% okay, and maybe, for whatever reason, the protocol I'm using doesn't work on this client because it's just not jiving with them. But I showed up as my best self. Maybe they didn't have the best experience, even though I would have, ahead of time, told them what the experience would be like and done my best. But there's no way that I can be responsible for their experience and their outcome. When I show up as my best self, giving their appointment all of the time it needs, all the attention it needs, they can still have an experience in which they decide not to come back and work with me as a practitioner, and so letting go of other people's experiences and outcomes doesn't mean that you're just throwing in the towel and being like whatever happens happens.
Speaker 1:You're focusing on what you can control. You know your timing, the tools you use, the level of excitement and the level of energy that you show up with, the work that you're doing on yourself to keep yourself clear and creative and passionate about what you're doing. You can control how you talk about your practice. What you say to clients having set hours that you want to connect and talk with clients is also a big one. Like, I don't respond to emails and text messages at night after I'm done working, I let it wait till the next morning. And on my contact page I even have a little clause that it takes 72 hours for me to reach back out to somebody sometimes. And on my contact page I even have a little clause that it takes 72 hours for me to reach back out to somebody sometimes. And that is to give me space so that if it's not a good time to talk in my life, that that's okay. You know, I'm going to show up for that phone call, for that email, when I'm my best, brightest self and focusing on how you feel about the relationship or your business.
Speaker 1:You know, are you taking enough time to replenish your cup so that you can practice detachment and be in a loving state and or neutral? Because I love the phrase detach with love and if you can't detach with love, just detach, so you don't have to be perfect at it. And I said I would talk a little bit about detaching from your own self and I'm sure you can already see how this would apply. But if you're beating yourself up internally, it's time to detach from that inner narrative. I have a podcast episode way back about naming your inner critic and I touched on that in episode eight, titled Healing from the Loneliness Epidemic, and I also talk about that in the how to Be your Own Best Friend workshop that I host every once in a while and I may be hosting in the fall again, but anyways, there's so much value in naming your inner critic to separate it from yourself, and that's a way of practicing detachment knowing that the negative narrative that you are telling yourself in your mind isn't who you truly are.
Speaker 1:And sometimes it feels like you can't control your thoughts. And when you can't control your thoughts, practice detachment, and what that looks like is just being like. Okay, for just this minute, I'm going to treat my negative inner narrative like a small child. I'm going to have compassion for it instead of internalizing it and taking it as truth. I'm going to say you know, I know you're frustrated right now. This is you talking to yourself. I know you're angry. I know you just want my attention or you want to help me in some weird way, and thank you for the opportunity and for trying to tell me something, but this isn't really helpful right now, and so you can continue talking, but I'm not going to buy into this or however you would like to say that.
Speaker 1:But you can practice not taking yourself so seriously and detaching from your own narrative if you're beating yourself up. Because what benefit does beating yourself up do? Are you actually better at anything when you do that? No, you just feel like crap do. Are you actually better at anything when you do that? No, you just feel like crap. And so, if you find yourself doing that, take a pause and, as I've talked about before, pause can stand for. Postpone action until serenity emerges. Take a nap, eat some Del Taco and then revisit the situation. Try to distract yourself. You can also focus on something you love to do instead, like gardening, getting your hands into the earth, feeling grounded.
Speaker 1:You could do a meditation. You could listen to a guided meditation I've recorded, if you sign up for Stepping Off the Chaos Rollercoaster, three Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief. I have a free anxiety relief meditation in there. You can look up on YouTube for guided meditations. There's so many ways that you can do something simple that doesn't take a lot of time to shift your perspective so that you become kinder to yourself, because the kinder you are to yourself, the more compassionate you are to yourself, the more kind and compassionate you will be to others.
Speaker 1:And there's just a couple of other things I wanna jump back to.
Speaker 1:Of what you can't control Others' thoughts, feelings, opinions, others' experiences and outcomes.
Speaker 1:I love that one, it's true.
Speaker 1:Don't listen to your inner narrative if it's telling you it's not.
Speaker 1:And you can't control the economy in the world.
Speaker 1:You know, snap your fingers if you believe you can't control the world today. I mean, we all know that. But what you can control is your relationship with yourself, how you care for yourself. You can get that going in a positive direction. Create positive momentum with that. Create positive momentum with that, and that will ripple into the pond of the universe and bring more positive interactions into your life and help you feel more peace within.
Speaker 1:So detachment asks you to take a step back and take a deep breath and remember that your success, your self-worth as a person, does not solely come from the success of your business, your relationship or other people. Embracing this practice will allow for clear decision-making, more self-love, self-care, being able to prioritize yourself and your needs, and that excitement, that joy you feel in your life will attract the life that you really want. It's an inside out process, so just take a deep breath into that detachment and that's all I've got for today. Thanks for hanging out with me on the Hard Times no More Relationship Podcast, and I wish you a beautiful, joyful day or evening, and we'll talk again soon. All right, take care.