Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast

Should You Lend Your Family Money?- Ep. 21

• Allesanda Tolomei-Hard • Season 1 • Episode 21

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5 key questions you must answer before you decide if it's a good idea to help your loved one out financially.

Money is so much more than just numbers in your bank account. 

Money has the incredible power to shine a spotlight on your deepest fears, and sometimes we make the mistake of attaching our self-worth to how much money we have or don’t have. It’s one of the ways we try to define our value. Emotions are intertwined with every dollar, every cent.

We often find ourselves wanting to be "perfect" in the eyes of others. We want to be the perfect daughter, the perfect son, or the perfect friend. We just want to be a good person. But lending or giving money to a loved one can be a tricky path to navigate when our need for validation is influencing our decision. 

We may start with good intentions, but if we aren’t careful, our good deeds can spiral into resentment. 

It's essential to get clear on your emotional motives before you make any financial decisions so you can avoid unintended harm in your relationships. 

In this episode, you’ll uncover…

  • 5 crucial questions you should be asking yourself before you give money to a loved one. 🤔
  • How to sidestep sneaky resentments or regret down the road. 🚀
  • Understand the emotional dynamics of money and why it isn’t just a math problem. 💰 
  • Ways to take a step towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships. 🤗

Remember, your well-being and peace of mind are worth it. So join me on this insightful journey this week.

Say "HI!" On Instagram: @Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore or on Facebook: Mrs. Hard

Learn more at mrs-hard.com

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Speaker 1:

Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people pleasing and relationship problems.

Speaker 1:

I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome to the hard times no more relationship podcast.

Speaker 1:

I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, your wellness and relationship coach. I'm here for you if you are struggling with boundaries, family relationships, romantic relationships or any life challenges, and today we're going to talk about money. We talked about money a couple episodes ago, but we're going to talk about what to do when your family asks for money or when somebody close to you asks for money. This can trigger up all kinds of feelings, like perfectionism, wanting to be the perfect daughter, the perfect son, the perfect friend. It can put pressure on you if you can't afford it and it can bring up a whole lot of questions about what you should do. So we're going to talk about that today.

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So first, money is not just money. It can highlight your fears and your values, revealing what truly matters to you. Where you spend your money says a lot about what you care about in life, like if you spend a lot of money on organic, fresh food or new clothes because you like to look good. Money can also highlight our fears. If we grew up in a family where we didn't have enough money, we may feel anxious around money and feel like there's never enough, even if we have a great income and money in the bank. On the flip side, if we grow up in a household that has plenty of money, but in our personal life, in this situation right now, we don't have very much money, we can overspend without realizing why we're overspending, because we grew up where there was always enough money and we have that what's called a money script in our head that tells us there will always be enough, and so that can get some people into debt. And it's really important to become aware of your money script. We talked more about this on episode 13 with Risa Shore. She's a money coach, and so if you want to learn more about your money script, head on over to that episode after you listen to this one.

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And sometimes people throw money at a problem and it's their way of avoiding it or being in denial about it. They hope that if they throw enough money at it, it will magically go away, instead of them needing to work through whatever is coming up. And there's so much more that money highlights in our life. It's not just a mathematical thing. If it was, it would be so much easier to deal with, but it's emotional and it's okay that money is emotional. It's not a bad thing, but it is important to become aware of that, especially when we're making financial decisions regarding our family or close loved ones, and everyone gets emotional about money.

Speaker 1:

Like I talked about, our money script is developed from childhood, when my family money was super tight. I've talked about how I grew up with a father who's chronically ill and my mom was working a ton and it felt like we never had enough money. We were always living as a household, paycheck to paycheck, and for a long time my dad was a commercial real estate developer, and so it was feast or famine. Once he would close an escrow deal, we would have plenty of money and we would pay all the bills and go out to dinner and do a couple fun things, and then the money would run out and we would have to wait three, six, nine months till the next escrow closed. I was probably one of the only eight-year-olds who knew what an escrow was, and I talk about my frustrations with my father growing up, and it wasn't his illness that was the biggest frustration. It was how he spent money. He grew up in a household that had plenty of money, and so he had the money script and the mindset that there would always be more. He was incredibly optimistic, and that got our family into trouble Fast forward years later because there wasn't enough money in my household.

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Growing up, I used to hide money from myself in jars. I would save dollar bills in jars because I worked in the restaurant industry and I would get tips, and I never wanted to know how much was in my savings because I had this delusional idea that if I knew how much money I had, I would become lazy and stop working. And before I started my own business as a massage therapist and became a wellness coach, I always had three jobs, so the likelihood that I was ever going to become broke. And I also didn't overspend. Well, when I was drinking I did overspend that's not totally true. But later in my life, my later 20s I didn't overspend, but I had this huge fear, even when I was secure, that there would never be enough money. And I've had to do a lot of work to get through that, because money is so emotional and it comes from our childhood and this is completely normal and we're all affected in one way or another by how we experienced money as a child in our household, and understanding this can help us break free from whatever money triggers in us if we have spending habits or saving habits that are causing friction in our life. And once again, go check out that episode with Risa Shore if this is resonating with you. But today we're going to keep it focused on family and family asking for money, because that's come up in my life recently and that's come up with other people around me and I knew it would be a really helpful topic to talk about, because dealing with challenging family members or challenging people in our life is stressful enough, and when it involves money, it becomes doubly emotional.

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Another interesting thing about money is that it's tied to our self-worth. Sometimes there are very few ways we can numerically calculate our self-worth, and some of us ascribe our self-worth to money because you can look at a bank account, you can look at your net worth, or you can look at a lack in your bank account or a lack of your net worth and put an exact number to that, and we sometimes carry that around as a part of our self-worth picture, because money also dictates what we can and can't have. So let's get into it. Let's get into five questions you should ask yourself before you lend your family or a close loved one money. Contemplate these questions so you can understand when emotions are leading you in the wrong direction, because you don't want to end up regretting or resenting somebody you loan money to for the wrong reasons or that you are financially helping out on a continual basis. So question one what is your motivation? For example, do you feel like if you lend or give money to someone on a continual basis, will it fix the situation that they're in? Is it giving you a sense of control? Do you have an inner self-talk that is telling you that you need to do this to be a good daughter, a good son, a good friend? Are you scared that if you don't give them money, that they won't like you or approve of you or appreciate you? Are you scared that if you don't, you'll appear cold or mean? So these are important questions because they have a lot to do with our ego and how other people see us. We want to look good, we want to be accepted, we want to be thought of as a kind, generous person. But if our motivation is off, we may regret our decision.

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For example, let's say you have someone in your life who's an alcoholic and they don't have a job and they have a ton of excuses why they don't have a job. They feel like everything is happening to them, they feel like the victim of their situation and they're not really interested in seeking help. But they're telling you they're not going to be able to pay their rent if you don't loan them a thousand dollars. Now what will that thousand dollars do in this situation? Will it fix their situation? I don't think so, because what are they going to do for rent money next month? And you can also apply this to just a challenging person in your life that refuses to get a job but wants other people to take care of them. Will money fix their situation? No, because what are they going to do the next month?

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The real solution is for them to get a job, and sometimes this seems cold, especially if the person tells you that they're really suffering. And this is like I'm talking about a person who's been experiencing poor behavior for a long period of time. People go through hard times and sometimes we need to rely on our friends and family to help us out for a short bit. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about somebody who's, let's say, actively leaning on others in an inappropriate way for money. And you can make that distinction by looking at this person's track record, you know. Has it been going on for a couple of months and it's just a short hardship for them, or has this been an ongoing theme where somebody's hitting you up for money and if you don't give it to them, they're looking elsewhere for it? So, like I said, the real solution is for them to become self-supporting, and sometimes we have to let people fall in our lives and experience discomfort so that they can make different choices and really change their life. Because if we continue to support bad behavior, if we enable their inability to help themselves, then we're not really helping them. We are supporting their dysfunction.

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And another thing to consider is if you were to lend this person money for rent, is there some sort of control energy around it, like you feel like you are controlling them in any way, and I'm sure it's not intentional, but it's something just to consider. You know, are you trying to be controlling or are you trying to be the savior in any way? Long, long time ago I had an ex-boyfriend or he was a boyfriend at the time, but long, long time ago, many years ago, I paid his rent and I wanted to be his savior and I didn't even understand that I was doing that, but I was definitely enabling his behavior because he was an alcoholic and, yeah, I was paying his rent. He was getting pretty sweet deal there. But looking back, I see that that wasn't healthy. It wasn't helping him and, honestly, it wasn't kind. It seemed like a kind gesture in the moment, but it was allowing him to stay stuck where he was Instead of needing to make changes. That would help him later on.

Speaker 1:

And if this motivation is really triggering the good daughter, good son, good person stuff, I want you to consider where you're seeking your validation. We all do this when we seek validation externally. We can never actually receive enough external validation. Where true self-worth and true validation comes from is from within, and accessing that can be a process, especially if we're starting out with low self-esteem. And so you know, if you're in a tricky situation with a dysfunctional person, that's asking for money, saying no in setting boundaries actually might boost your self-esteem, because that is saying like no, my worth is coming first before somebody else's, and it's okay to not be the perfect or good daughter, son or person. So that's checking your motivation. Pay attention to what's coming up for you, all right.

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Number two Can you afford it? Very important, let's talk about this. It is not helpful if you are putting yourself out or making yourself less stable to help somebody else. If someone is suffering or in need, there are many other ways to help them than money, and money is part of our basic survival. Having enough money is important for our mental health, our physical health and our spiritual wellbeing as well, because we wanna be self-supporting. That feels good to be self-supporting, and if we destabilize ourselves to help someone else, that isn't kind and it isn't the right action.

Speaker 1:

So this one can be pretty black and white. You can look at your bank account, you can look at if you have any debt, what your monthly expenses are, and you can decide if you can afford it or not. And then three do you have any expectations? If you're lending or giving somebody money Very important Are there any strings attached? Do you have expectations that they'll spend the money in a certain way? Sometimes there's an agreement attached to a loan. For example, if you're lending your kid money, it may have conditions. For example, this money is meant to be spent on their car or school tuition.

Speaker 1:

And then that brings up another question Do you trust the person to follow through if they have agreed upon conditions? Have you communicated your conditions very clearly and I mean overly communicated or have the person repeat back to you what you said? Cause sometimes we make assumptions and we don't mean to do it, but we think that, oh, this person understands what I want or what I need, but we haven't communicated it very clearly. So this is important to make sure it's very clear and then to understand what it would look like if they don't follow through. How would that make you feel? What decisions would you make if that doesn't happen?

Speaker 1:

I think it's good to run through that before giving somebody money conditionally, because you have to expect that it's not going to work out, and then you won't be caught off guard and you can make a more rational decision if it doesn't go well. And I don't mean spend a ton of time dwelling or worrying about if it doesn't go well, but just be prepared in case it doesn't and so that it doesn't wreck your life or your emotional health. But I feel like 99% of the time you shouldn't have any expectations. When you give somebody money, you should assume that they're not gonna follow through with whatever they say they are and they're not gonna pay you back if that's what they're promising or that's what the agreement is, and then just act surprised if it does work out. Because if you have expectations that can injure their relationship, that can lead to resentment. Any expectations are always the precursor to resentment.

Speaker 1:

So these are really important things to consider and this plays into the next question, number four will you resent them if it doesn't go well? And if you've checked your motivation, if you can't afford it and you don't have expectations or you have some boundaries around your expectations with yourself and the other person, that will create a good foundation to not resent them. And that leads to the fifth and final question will it harm your relationship? As we talked about before, if you can't trust the person and there's already a little bit of chaos in the relationship and there are already challenges in the relationship, will this harm the relationship even further? But if you're able to get through the previous four questions, you should have a lot of clarity about whether or not it will harm your relationship.

Speaker 1:

And in my opinion, the best case situation here is either making the boundary that you don't need to give the person money and if you're able to make that decision logically. But you have a bunch of feelings that come up with that, that's okay. You and I can talk about those feelings more in depth. You can go to my website and schedule a free 30 minute clarity call. You can talk to your friends about it. You can talk to people you trust who are good with money and have healthy boundaries in their life, about your situation.

Speaker 1:

If you're left with some emotions because you know logically, if you give the person money it's not going to be good for you but you still have feelings, and that's okay because money is emotional, that's an okay thing. And if you're able to generously give somebody money and you've gone through these questions and you see that, oh my gosh, I can give them money without any strings attached, without expectations, or I trust this person and we have an agreement and it feels really good to give them money, then that's great. Go for it. It's a wonderful thing to be able to give to others and to support them in their lives. But these questions will help you get moving in the right direction so that you won't end up regretting your decision or resenting somebody later, because we all want to have peaceful relationships in our life happy, supportive, calm relationships and we can't control others. The only thing that we can control is the decisions we make and our reactions to what happen in our lives, and I always love a good plan when making challenging decisions and speaking to controlling our reactions to life.

Speaker 1:

When I talk about that, that doesn't mean not having feelings. That means damage control, like when we're experiencing something triggering, because sometimes when our family or a loved one asks us for money, if we have a challenging financial script with that person from our childhood or money is a triggering topic for us in general, there are going to be a lot of feelings and what I've seen work really well for people and what's worked really well for myself is if you can logically figure out what you need to do and then have the feelings and express the feelings in a healthy way, lean on your support system, ask for help, be vulnerable with the right people, the people you can trust and the people you know that are going to support you and that are living positive lives themselves. And when we open up and we do this and we don't try to do things alone, it can actually create a closeness and a bond with those around us. So it can end up being a good thing. And working through this stuff, working through our triggers and what comes up when we experience challenges, when we walk through that fire, that makes us more resilient, more stable. It helps heal the wounds within us and when we heal ourselves, we are helping our community, we are helping the people we work with our family, our significant others, the people we come in contact with day to day, because when we feel more whole within, when we have that good, good self-esteem, we show up in life most days a much happier, brighter version of ourselves than when we're really struggling, putting our needs last, trying to help others when we don't have enough gas in the tank to give.

Speaker 1:

Like I said, if you have any questions, I'm always here for you. I love helping people really work through that deeper stuff that comes up when we talk about things like money and family and dysfunctional family members and dysfunctional people in our lives, because those are the opportunities. Those are the opportunities to heal ourselves on a much deeper level. They are what some call the gifts in the wound. So if you want to talk a little bit further, head over to my website and schedule a 30 minute free clarity call, and if this episode resonated with you, please share it with somebody who might benefit as well and leave a review. This will help others find this information. And, as always, you can find me on Instagram at Mrs Hard underscore times no more or on Facebook, mrs Hard, I'll put links in the show notes for my social media and my website, and that's all I got for you today. Thank you so much for being a part of this community and being on this journey with me. Tune in today. I hope you have a beautiful morning, afternoon or evening. Take care.