Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast

BEST OF: Are You Enabling Or Helping Others In Your Relationships?- Ep. 36

• Allesanda Tolomei-Hard • Season 1 • Episode 36

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Have you ever wondered if the energy you're putting into your relationships is actually helpful, or if it's just making you the one they always rely on?


If your answer is “YES!”, I’ve got a treat for you this week—a special “BEST OF" podcast episode! 

This one is a fan favorite, and it's all about a topic that you, as a generous soul, may struggle with: helping versus enabling.


In this episode, we'll dive into how you can truly help others without sacrificing your peace of mind. Because without these healthy boundaries, burnt-out and resentment are inevitable. 


And, believe it or not, you can have the best of both worlds. 

You can help others and take care of yourself.


Here's why you won't want to miss it:


- Learn how to notice and change enabling patterns in your relationships for more peace, energy, and patience.

- Discover the key differences between enabling and helping—because that line can be a little blurry.

- Find out how you can be kind and helpful without being a doormat.

- Hear essential questions you must consider to keep yourself out of the enabling zone.

- Shift your behavior for better self-care while still building loving and caring relationships.

- Explore why it's kind to let yourself off the hook while empowering others to help themselves instead of always being the one they rely on.


Remember, changing a relationship starts with just one person—YOU. 


So, tune in, and let's build healthy, joyful relationships and say goodbye to enabling for good!

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Speaker 1:

Hey there, welcome to the Hard Times. No More Relationship Podcast. I'm Alessandra Ptolemy Hard, aka Mrs Hard, your host this week. I have another special best of podcast episode just for you. This episode is called Are you Enabling or Helping Others in your Relationships, in your relationships? This is a very important question for heart-centered, compassionate caregivers and this is one of my most downloaded podcast episodes, and I'm sure you can see why just from the title. So in this episode we're going to get some clarity on a topic that you may be struggling with helping versus enabling and how to tell the difference. In this episode, we'll discuss how you can be truly helpful to others without sacrificing your needs and your peace of mind. And this is the perfect time to replay this episode because on Sunday, june 2nd 2024, dr Debbie Victoria Seale and I are hosting the Awaken Retreat from 1 pm to 5 pm in downtown Napa. Taking time for yourself is a non-negotiable. If you are of service to others, whether it's your family or your job, it's so easy to put yourself last on the priority list, but that leads to burnout and resentment because you let your energy go to others without replenishing your own cup. At the Awaken Retreat, you'll experience deep restoration from hands-on healing, aura healing, transmedium healing, and you'll see how you can continue to take care of yourself and remove blocks that are standing in your way. With the Find your Flow workshop. This afternoon of self-care will sow the seeds of being able to give from a truly generous place because you've put your oxygen mask on first. So join us on June 2nd, which is a Sunday, from 1 to 5 pm in downtown Napa, and as I'm recording this podcast intro, we only have three spots left. Yes, only three. You can find the link in the show notes or on my website at mrs-hardcom. Now let's jump into this week's best of episode. Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome to the Hard Times no More Relationship Podcast. I'm Mrs Hard, your host. I want to take a moment to thank everyone who's been listening to this podcast. Thank you so much for your support and love. I really appreciate you and I love being on this adventure with you.

Speaker 1:

And today we're going to chat about the difference between helping and enabling. Many people I've worked with have asked me to describe the difference, because they tend to hang out on the enabling side of the spectrum and they want to stop this behavior because it creates a vicious cycle where their family member, their friend or significant other can't seem to do X, y and Z without them, and this creates anxiety and stress in the relationship, specifically for the helper, because they develop the narrative that they have to help. They have no other choice. Their loved one can't function without them, and maybe this behavior started out as something nice they were doing for the person but then later turned into an obligation, another thing on their plate that they have to take care of and manage. So first, enabling always starts out with good intentions. The helper might just think it'll be easier if I do it. Or they participate in enabling behavior because they just want to keep the peace, they want everyone to be happy.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes for a short period it does create peace, but then it's kind of like a sugar hit. If you eat a bunch of candy, you feel really, really good while the sugar is hitting you, but then comes the crash and you have less energy before you ate the candy. Maybe you're in an energy hole, a deficit. This similar cycle happens with enabling, because most of the time the person who needs help expects more and more help, slowly, over time, and the giving person is not receiving. They're just giving and becoming depleted. And I'm sure you've realized that your anxiety ramps up when you're spread too thin, when your energy is going in many different directions. So if you're feeling anxious, check in with yourself and check in with your commitments. Are you acting as an enabler in any area of your life? And changing a pattern like this with somebody can give you time and energy. It can give you peace of mind and you can have healthier relationships, even with a person that you've had a long history of struggle in the relationship or just an imbalance, and there's a way to shift your relationship.

Speaker 1:

That isn't mean or cold. It may be a little uncomfortable at first, especially depending on how long this behavior has been happening in your relationship, but on the other side of discomfort is freedom, and this is why we walk through the fire around here, instead of letting our egos keep us down. Remember your ego is the voice in your head that tells you you can't change. Life will always be hard. It's the negative, nancy, that keeps you stuck. So don't listen to it. And if you hear that voice in your head, just know that's your ego trying to keep you where you are. So let's get into how to stay in the helping zone and stay away from enabling behaviors.

Speaker 1:

Let's get clear on the definition of helping versus enabling, so we're on the same page. The definition of helping Helping is making something easier for someone or doing something by offering one's services or resources. Also, I'll add that when helping, consider if you were asked to help or did you insert yourself, because it would just be easier if you do it or you want to do it right and you don't trust others to get the job done. I have worked with people who feel like in a relationship, they're the person who has to do everything. They have to make the plans, they have to schedule the cleaning chores if the house is going to get cleaned, and that started from them wanting to help their significant other, their family member, to participate in the chores or the responsibilities, or they wanted to make the relationship more exciting. But it becomes a burden and it becomes an obligation and an expected responsibility, where in the beginning it might've started as helping and it enables the relationship that they really want a more balanced relationship. And consider if you are truly available when offering help. Does your schedule have the time for you to help? Do you have an expectation in regards to the outcome, like, if I help this person, then this will happen, and do you find yourself getting resentful if that doesn't happen? Consider these things when you're offering help.

Speaker 1:

And now for the definition of enabling. To enable is to give someone or something the authority or means of doing something, to make it possible to do something they couldn't do without you. But the catch is they rely on you instead of finding their own resources. And let's zone in on the key differences here, because these two definitions sound very similar because they are, but the difference is when you're helping, you are making it easier for someone keyword easier, and when you're enabling, you are giving someone the means to do something, you are making it possible for them to do something instead of assisting. And these are just general definitions.

Speaker 1:

But in regards to relationships and keeping your energetic cup full, enabling relationships are one-sided. They are not fulfilling. It's like you are trying to keep a person afloat and what starts as something nice turns into an obligation, like I said before. For example, let's say you have a friend that doesn't have a job and they ask to borrow money. This friend has a history of not paying you back and they haven't had a job in a long time and they don't have a lot of motivation to get a job or to change their situation. Maybe they blame their circumstances, the people in their lives or the job market, some of which may be true, but you may also know that this is a story that they're telling themselves they could get a job. Maybe it's not the exact job they want, but they could become self-supporting and when they ask you for money. You feel guilty and like you have to give it to them because you see that they're stuck and they're hurting and maybe you don't have the extra funds to give, but you give them money anyways because you feel bad for them. When you lend them money, you are enabling them to continue to not be self-sufficient. You are supporting their narrative.

Speaker 1:

With your action of giving them money, you are validating that their circumstances are against them and there's no way to survive other than to borrow money from friends. Maybe they tell you they don't even like borrowing money from friends, but they have you. They don't even like borrowing money from friends, but they have to. They have no other option and they can't pay you back because they don't have any money. How can you turn this from an enabling situation into a helping situation?

Speaker 1:

Well, instead of offering money, you can offer to set them up with a job that you may know that's available. Maybe your friend works at a bookstore and they need somebody at the front to help people pay for books and you set them up with your friend for that job. Or maybe you loan them some clothes for an interview, or you offer to help them look for a job and talk to them about. You know. You understand that it's scary or that they might not get the job that they really want, but they could get something else and maybe that will turn into a very positive experience. That's unexpected, so you can acknowledge their concerns and be there for them, to support them, instead of just giving them resources. And when you do that, when you just give them resources instead of supporting them in a more sustaining path, you are keeping them from creating their own sustainability. Now we can expect that the person may rebel and say it's not possible to change and give you a thousand different reasons why the world is against them and that their only solution right now is to receive money from other people. This is the hard part. It is more loving to let them fail. I know no one likes hearing that. That's not a popular idea, but I'm sure that will resonate in your heart and you might even take a deep breath and be like oh man, I know Like actually letting them struggle is more loving and the person may just ask someone else. But let's unpack why allowing struggle isn't unkind First.

Speaker 1:

Personally, I can tell you that I am so grateful that I have had to struggle. I had friends who enabled me for a long time with my drinking. I would cry that if you had my life, you would act like I do. I blame people, places and things for what was wrong in my life. My ego had me hooked. I truly believed I was doomed, there was no way out, and this was before my mom was diagnosed with cancer. This was before my house burnt down. Most of my blocks and challenges I mean like 90% of them were in my mind and I had a whole bunch of reasons why I could justify them. I am so grateful that I hit a bottom and needed to change that. Things got so challenging in my life that the fear of the unknown was less than the fears that I had around staying where I was at. Walking through my challenges has made me stronger, wiser and more content with the simple things in life.

Speaker 1:

And I have seen this same transformation in the people I've worked with, and I know what you may be thinking wow, this person in my life who needs help should really go see you, which sure, I would love to work with them. But what about you? In my experience, what I see in others is that when they are really focused on someone else. Sometimes it's because they are avoiding their own issues or hurt. I have definitely done this. It's also easier to point to someone else and say I'm not that bad or justify I don't have the time, my life is mostly together, like I'm getting along, I'm fine and I get it. I was there too, but don't justify that or let that block you from getting the help and support you need to shift your life or shift patterns and move towards a life you really want, because you don't have to feel doomed. I felt doomed for many, many years and struggled with severe anxiety, and that's what I work with a lot of people around is how to overcome that anxiety and how that transfers into their relationships, because when we have support in life, life is so much easier to get through.

Speaker 1:

So, anyways, let's get back to enabling. It's not mean to let someone have challenges in life or to not give them what they want from you. If you are in a situation like this, ask yourself do you have the resources to help? In the money example, would it cause you stress if you were never paid back? Is there an expectation attached to your giving? Like if the person promises this is the last time they'll ask for money and they're using it to buy gas to an interview. Maybe they are telling the truth, maybe not. Would you feel resentful if you found out that they were using the money for another purpose? So let's recap Helping is offering assistance that will most likely lead to them standing on their own two feet without expectations. Enabling is giving resources to someone that keeps them where they are. Money is an easy example, and these same principles can be applied to emotions.

Speaker 1:

So let's say you have a friend who only calls you in crisis. They don't engage with you very much when things are going well or when they have a new partner. They don't ask how you are and they don't support you in your ups and downs. They only call when they have a new partner. They don't ask how you are and they don't support you in your ups and downs. They only call when they have a problem and need you to fix it, or listen to them vent for hours. With someone like this, you may hear about the same thing over and over again. Let's say they are in a toxic relationship and every time they call you they're about to leave their partner because this time is really bad. But after a week of taking you on this emotional roller coaster. They go silent or they tell you that they've made up and things really weren't as bad as they said they were, that their partner has promised to change and things are going to be different this time. Now, this is a hard one to set boundaries because, though you hate to admit it, maybe you like saving the day and being the one others can rely on. It may feel validating, but then you find that when you're struggling, you can't talk about it, especially not with them, because they aren't available or the pattern is that you're the strong one, so your emotions aren't being acknowledged as seriously. Also, when your friend calls in crisis, you feel like you can't just ignore them. They may be in danger, emotionally or physically, and maybe this will be the time that they really do leave the toxic relationship.

Speaker 1:

The enabling behavior here is allowing the friendship to be one-sided and by not having the tough conversation you need to have with this person. And let me reiterate that all enabling starts with good intentions. We all get sucked into enabling behaviors throughout life and most of the time we don't realize it. I've been on both sides and I have enabled really unhealthy behaviors in relationships for years and I've been the succubus, taking other people's energy and not adding to the relationships. So how do you shift enabling behavior to helping behavior in an emotional situation like this? Well, let's clarify what does helping look like In this situation?

Speaker 1:

I would suggest start by clarifying your needs. Bring it back to yourself. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you want your relationship to look like? Would you want your friend to call to see how you're doing or make plans to spend time together without bringing up the toxic relationship in conversation? How can you create a healthy bond with this person instead of a negative bond? Because these rollercoaster emotional rides in our relationship do create a feeling of like a bondedness with the person, but it's not a sustainable bond and it's not building the relationship that you really want bond and it's not building the relationship that you really want.

Speaker 1:

Are you afraid to set a boundary around this behavior? Are you afraid you'll lose the friendship or the connection you have with that person? Really consider this and consider the root. Where is this coming from? Is this really what you want? And then try having a heart-to-heart with the other person, seeing if they are willing to have a different kind of relationship If, when this friend usually calls you, cancel plans with others or you leave work early to come to the rescue, you can set a personal boundary to not answer calls or texts until you have time. Maybe you put their notifications on silent and when this friend reaches out, take some time to pause before responding. Let this person know ahead of time that you are very busy and may not be able to respond as soon as you have been. And it's not because you don't care, it's just you don't have a lot of time right now. In a conversation like this, a heart-to-heart and then placing some boundaries in effect may be a wake-up call to your friend, and it may not be.

Speaker 1:

It's important to not hold expectations that the other person is going to change. You are not withdrawing from them to punish them or teach them a lesson. You are shifting to prioritize your own self-care, and self-care isn't always bubble baths and spa days. Self-care is saying what you need to say and having the tough conversations where you honor yourself, your needs. The other person doesn't need to understand or feel good about what you are doing. You need to feel good about what you're doing, especially in the long run. So, to recap in emotional situations. Enabling is allowing a toxic, harmful or imbalanced behavior to perpetuate, where you're doing a lot of giving, you're not receiving and you don't feel good about the relationship. Helping is building a truly supportive, balanced relationship and putting your own needs first before someone else's needs, and this isn't selfish. When done in the right way, it creates support and a healthy relationship. And there's a lot to unpack here and everyone's situation is unique. So if you want to dive into this a little bit deeper, schedule a free 30 minute call with me. The link to schedule that call will be in the show notes and you can find out how to contact me and work with me on my website at mrs-hardcom.

Speaker 1:

I love getting nitty gritty in these podcast sessions and my wish for you is that you have the life you want, that you are able to release habits that are weighing you down and replace them with supportive patterns that give you a gift wisdom that comes from the hard times and a plan to navigate life's ups and downs. You can replace negative self-talk with the belief that anything is possible for you. You deserve happiness, you deserve peace. You are enough. Right now, you can define yourself from within instead of your usefulness to others. So with that, I hope it's clear understanding the difference between enabling and helping behaviors, so that you can stay on the helping side of the spectrum instead of journeying into the depleting enabling side. All right, that's all I got for today and I hope you have a wonderful day and I look forward to talking to you soon. Take care.