Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast

Secrets To Managing Anxiety For Caregivers -Ep. 37

• Allesanda Tolomei-Hard • Season 1 • Episode 37

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I’ve got two questions for you:

1. Are you a caregiver?

2. Do you struggle with anxiety?


If you answered “YES” to either of those questions, this episode is for you!


Anxiety and caregiving have been huge parts of my life. As you may know, I was a caregiver for my father for over ten years and cared for my mother when she was dying of cancer. My whole life, I’ve been drawn to helping others.


And if you’ve been a caregiver, you know it can be both a blessing and (you hate to admit it, but…) a burden. Especially when you struggle with anxiety because you not only worry about your life, you worry about the people you care for too!


In this podcast episode, "Secrets of Managing Anxiety for Caregivers," I’m going to reveal some lesser-known tips for managing anxiety that come with being a caregiver. We’ll talk about:


- How to Release Feelings of Overwhelm and Care for Yourself While Helping Others

- Why Your Anxiety Might Not Be What You Think

- The Hidden Causes of Caregiver Anxiety and How to Overcome Them


And BONUS! I’m going to share a special anxiety relief practice at the end of the episode.


I’ll say it a million times: taking care of yourself is the best way to support others. Like we’ve talked about, it’s like the airplane analogy: put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others. When you prioritize your well-being, you enhance your ability to care for those around you.


Join me in this episode as we discover how small, simple shifts (like the way you feel about your anxiety) can create significant changes in your life as a caregiver without needing to do more.

Links:
Movement & Meditation JUNE 23rd 2024!

Website: Mrs-Hard.com
Instagram: Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Facebook: Mrs.Hard


Discover how to step off the chaos roller coaster and finally have peace of mind.
Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief

Speaker 1:

Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use in love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey there, welcome to the Hard Times no More Relationship Podcast. I'm Alessandra Tolomey Hart, aka Mrs Hart, your host. Oh man, it's been a little while since I last sat down to create a podcast episode, and that is because so much has been going on, so many good things. First off, on May 19th, which has already passed, leisha and I moved our movement and meditation class to the Garden Brewery in downtown Napa, and that was such an amazing class. The new location is awesome. It has these beautiful hanging plants everywhere, and we had about 20 people show up for the event and they were all age ranges. Some had knee problems, some had hip problems, some had old injuries, some were newer to getting back into working out, and some people were workout professionals, and the class was incredible in the sense that it had something for everyone. Leisha did an amazing job with modifications and so for people who needed to be a little bit more gentle and easy with their bodies, they had no problem getting a great workout in without injuring themselves. And then people who are more advanced and like a tougher workout. They also really enjoyed the class because Leisha definitely knows how to get the blood flowing, the heart pumping and how to create a really fun environment, and she really brings people together too, and so the sense of community was very strong there and I had such a great time leading a guided meditation and little talk at the end.

Speaker 1:

And our next movement in meditation class is on June 23, 2024 at the garden Again. That's going to be our new spot, our new location, and we're doing one Sunday a month and we have 25 spots available, and by the time you're listening to this, tickets will have just gone on sale. And so if you're listening to this around June 23rd 2024, grab your ticket and you can find the link in the show notes for that. The class starts at 8.15 in the morning on Sunday, june 23rd, and so this will be a great opportunity for you to get your exercise done before you do whatever you need to do for the rest of the day, whether it's going to Trader Joe's or Whole Foods, grabbing some groceries, doing your last minute chores like laundry, and going to your kids games or your grandkids games. This event is the best way to start your Sunday.

Speaker 1:

And then Dr Debbie Victoria Steele and I just hosted the Awaken Retreat on June 2nd 2024. So for me, as I'm recording this, it was the most recent Sunday that it just passed, and that was such an amazing experience. We had five participants. We like to keep our retreat small and intimate so that people get to know each other and so that it's a safe, secure place to share and that people have time to share and process. People received hands-on healing, aura healing, everyone received a transmedium healing, and then I led the Find your Flow workshop part one and two and our goal was to help people create clarity and really connect with their true selves. And hearing from the people who experienced the retreat mission accomplished and they felt more connected to themselves, more grounded and had such a beautiful experience. And really, when you do a retreat, it's so magical because the right people show up for that retreat. You know like you're meant to be there and the people who are there with you are meant to be there, and it's just a magical, amazing experience. I just love it and I can't wait. We're going to host another Awaken retreat in the fall, and so there's so many more amazing things to look forward to.

Speaker 1:

And I practice what I preach. And so when you see that I'm doing best of episodes, it's because I'm taking a little bit more time to focus on some other projects, because, unfortunately, time is a semi limiting factor. It doesn't have to be too limiting, but I do have to respect the loss of time, and so I get to make more time in my schedule by sharing some of the most popular episodes that maybe you haven't heard of before, and so I'm happy to be back here today sharing a new podcast episode with you, and today we are going to talk about secrets of managing anxiety for caregivers, because if you are like me, you are a caretaker or a caregiver in one way or another. Like I've mentioned before, my father's had multiple sclerosis my whole life and for many years I was one of his primary caretakers and then I became a massage therapist and I've always gravitated towards taking care of other people in my life and then became a wellness coach.

Speaker 1:

And if you're a caregiver, you know that your anxiety isn't just about what's happening in your life for you. Your anxiety also stems to the people that you love, that you're caring for, who are close to you. For example, I've shared before that during a time when I was a caregiver for my father, my well-being was so closely tied to how he was doing. If he was doing well, I was doing well. If he wasn't doing well, I wasn't doing well. And that was before I had healthy boundaries with him in our relationship, and so I wasn't only managing my own stress and anxiety, I was trying to manage his.

Speaker 1:

And that's a tricky thing that we can fall into as caregivers, because we can become attached to so many people in our lives and sometimes we think we have to be that involved in that attached, and I'm going to tell you right out the gate that believing that you have to be so involved isn't always true or good for the relationship. It depends on your specific situation. But just keep an open mind to the fact that you may not need to be as responsible as you think you need to be for the people you care for in your life, and we're going to get more into that. And this topic is so important because, as a caregiver, it is really hard to take care of yourself. First, because you see how so many other people need your help, need your love, need your support, need you to run errands for them, need you to pick up their medication, need you to counsel them, to be there for them, to be their rock, to be their support. And you may be thinking you know I'm doing just fine. It's really these other people that need help. They need help, they need help and the focus is always on them. But what you don't realize is that when you take care of yourself, you are taking care of them. You are helping them more than just focusing on them and helping them with their problems or supporting them through their process or their life situation. Like they say on the airplane, and like I've said before, put your oxygen mask on first, and this can be challenging, but it's way more rewarding than it is challenging.

Speaker 1:

And so first let's talk about where your anxiety may be coming from. So I used to study Eastern medicine, ayurveda, which is medicine from India, and there's one personality type that's called Vata, and Vata is the personality type that tends towards anxiety. And when anxiety is present, it's because this personality type is living too much in the future. They are too much in their head. They're trying to anticipate the next move, what's going to happen, to keep themselves safe. They also tend to be dry, which means that they're not hydrated enough that they may be dry in the sense of feeling a lack of inspiration or joy in life because their internal reservoir is dry. And to have a more lush, fulfilling internal reservoir, you need to have space for joy in your life. You need to be able to spice it up, do something new, visit someplace new, take time to care for yourself, do something that lights that internal fire that keeps your internal river flowing, and a big part of that is joy and happiness when you feel like life is mundane and you're just doing the same thing over and over again, like Groundhog Day. That will definitely create dryness in your life, and that dryness that lack a dry river creates anxiety. In Eastern medicine that's a concept that I love.

Speaker 1:

Your anxiety is trying to help you out. It is like a watchdog. It's on high alert, being ready for the next threat. And sometimes that anxiety is because you have been through a lot. Maybe your house is burnt down, maybe you've had failed relationships in the past, maybe you've had somebody close to you pass away recently or become hurt, and so your anxiety is trying to help you out. It's trying to prepare you for the next shoe to drop when it drops. That's what your anxiety believes, and so it's really paying attention to what's coming next, what is on the horizon, what's threatening to you.

Speaker 1:

And there are two statistics I found. The first says that caregivers, particularly those who provide care for a family member, often experience high levels of stress and anxiety. The second says that the prevalence of anxiety among women is significant. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, anxiety disorders affect 40 million adults in the United States, with women being more affected than men. This statistic underscores the importance of addressing anxiety in female caretakers, and this makes sense because that emotional burden you carry as a caregiver is real and it depletes your resources, which is why it's even more important for you to put yourself first. And I believe that has to do with, as women, how our boundaries play out and how we are emotionally attached, more than men, to the people we're close to in our lives.

Speaker 1:

And so now let's talk about the real source of anxiety. I know we already touched on this, but anxiety stems from your mind. It stems from your perception of your relationships, your boundaries, your current life situation, your past experience. And it's good news that it lives in your mind, because that means that you actually don't need people, places and things to change for you to feel more peace. And maybe you feel like oh, that's great, mrs Hard, like I don't need people, places and things to change, but I still have this anxiety. So let's talk about why it's still hanging around.

Speaker 1:

The number one reason why our current states are hard to shift is because they are familiar, even if they're uncomfortable. They are familiar and we may not even be aware of the fact that we're perpetuating the same reality. Because it is familiar, because, even if it's uncomfortable, our subconscious and our ego feel like they know what's going to happen next. They know how the story goes, they know how this game is played, and so the familiarity on some level creates safety and stability, even if it's uncomfortable. And shifting your perspective can be a choice, because what I see happen in what I've experienced is that things had to get really uncomfortable in the past before I would make a change, and the more in tune I became with myself and the more I trusted the support of the universe and the support of people around me, the less discomfort I had to feel before I made a change.

Speaker 1:

Because there's this like seesaw imagine discomfort on one side and then your fear of the next step, of trying something new, on the other side. Your discomfort sometimes has to be greater than your fear of taking the next step, because the next step is new, it's different. Your ego doesn't know what's going to happen when you try something new in your life, and so that's why it's so scary. But, depending on where you are on the spiritual path, the more you trust yourself, the more you trust the universe, the more you have an open mind, the more you have willingness and the more awareness you have about your situation and what you want to change, the less pain you have to feel before deciding to make that shift, because the unknown isn't as scary. And so first you have to decide you have to make a change, that there's no other option and that this change has to happen for you. And if people don't like the change that you need to make in your life, you have to find a place of trust within yourself and trust in the universe or whatever you believe in, that it's going to work out and that taking care of yourself, even if it might cause a rift or a conflict in your relationships, is ultimately going to benefit your relationships, because when you take care of yourself, the people close to you in your life benefit just as much as you do.

Speaker 1:

And self-care isn't just bubble baths and long days off, detached from everyone and everything. Self-care can be boundaries, and so maybe you need to set some boundaries. As a caregiver, that is one of the biggest game changers that I see caregivers make in their life. When deciding to step up and care for themselves is creating boundaries with the people that they're caring for, with obligations, with overcommitting, and start with just one boundary. Start with one thing that you want to change, because our lives are like a spider web, in the sense that everything is connected to everything else and when you change just one thing, it can change the entire web, all of the little connections. And so you don't always have to do this big overhaul. You can just start with one thing and if making a change is really scary, keep that one thing very simple. But just commit to one thing and see how that change does benefit you. It does benefit your relationships.

Speaker 1:

For example, maybe you have a challenging mother-in-law and she is really negative and loves to vent to you about challenging things that she's going through, and it creates a really negative relationship between you and her and you're a caregiver in the sense of like you're caring for her emotions, but when you know you're going to spend time with her, it causes anxiety in your life. And maybe you're a mom and maybe you are caring for people professionally too and you're used to holding space for other people to have their feelings. If you have little kids, I'm sure you have to hold space for them to have their feelings, even when it's inconvenient. And when you're a coach or an instructor or massage therapist or chiropractor, sometimes you're holding space in your professional practice for people to have their feelings, their emotions, their pain, their process.

Speaker 1:

But sometimes then that carries into our personal lives and you may not want to disrupt the status quo or make someone feel uncomfortable by placing a boundary, and so you just let them emote and talk negatively, and this creates anxiety when you know you're going to spend time with them, and it creates anxiety because you don't know how you're going to shift the relationship and you're afraid that the person will think you don't care and become resentful. And then it's just one more thing you got to take care of if this person isn't happy. And so there's a lot of thoughts and momentum around this situation and it's very much in your mind because I know this sounds harsh, but none of these things have actually happened in terms of what you think might happen if you do create the boundary, because you're like you know, I know this person, I know it's going to be bad, but in my experience, my mom and I had a relationship for a period of time in which all we talked about was my father and how challenging he was to take care of, because he would call my mom like three or four times a day asking her to run errands and pick him up things from the store, and she was working in San Francisco all day, like she wasn't in town. She didn't have a lot of time. She was coming home at like 7 PM 8 PM, and he always had this list of things he needed her to do and it just added extra things onto my mom's plate that she didn't have time for. And then he had a lot of medical emergencies and he had a lot of frustration and issues with various things, and it created a lot of guilt for my mom, and so she would vent to me, and this happened for several years and our relationship became solely focused on my father.

Speaker 1:

And then this one day I had a conversation with her and I remember saying you know, mom, I feel like all we talk about is dad and I really miss connecting with you about other things. Is there any chance we could just stop talking about dad, because I really love our time together and I feel like this is taking up too much energy, and I was so surprised by her response. She was, like you know, I'd actually been thinking about that, and I do agree that this has become too much of a focus in our relationship and that I won't talk about your father that much anymore, and she toned it down to like 80% of the time we didn't talk about my dad and then 20% of the time we did, and it wasn't this huge focal point anymore. It didn't mean that she could never talk about him again, but it was just a lot less. So that was way, way better and it shifted our relationship from being more stressful and having this negative momentum to being more positive.

Speaker 1:

And I know everyone's situation is different and sometimes people you talk to aren't as introspective, and that may be the case in your situation. But instead of creating some big boundary, maybe try thinking of like a small shift you can make with that person and vocalizing something that you need and seeing how it goes, testing the water. And also, if you ever want to talk about your more personal situation one-on-one, you can reach out to me on my website, mrshardcom, schedule a free 30-minute session or you can find me on Instagram or social media. Send me a message. We could talk about your unique situation, because I know it's not a one-size-fits-all. I know it's not a one size fits all, but when you lead your actions with that trust, that that desire to have a more positive relationship with the other person, if you write out what you want to say ahead of time, if you want to take care of yourself, in that way, you know creating a boundary so that you're not needing to hold the same space for your family members that you aren't caregiving for, or, you know, holding the same space that you carry into professional life with your family.

Speaker 1:

Making these small shifts in even conversation can make a big change in your life. And don't let your mind talk you out of it, because your mind is going to show you a million different reasons why you shouldn't do this. But that's just because it's trying to keep the status quo. It's a very normal thing. It's trying to protect you, it's trying to help you. So go into robot mode, be like thank you, mind, thank you anxiety, for trying to help me. We're going to turn this off right now and we're going to try something different. And it's okay if it doesn't work out, even if you think, oh man, it's going to make my life so much more stressful if it doesn't work out. You know it might be more stressful if you just perpetuate what's happening.

Speaker 1:

You're allowed to make a mistake. You're allowed for things to not go perfectly and the universe has a funny way of working things out If you just create that positive intention, that positive momentum, and have your intention set on taking care of yourself first. So let's talk about some simple things you can do as a caretaker to take care of yourself first and help manage your anxiety. So first is coming back to the present moment, because anxiety is living in the future. So, no matter what is going on in your life right now, I want you to come back to the present moment, just take a couple deep breaths, whether you're on a walk or in your car or cleaning your house. I want you to just take a moment to become absorbed in this present moment and you can anchor yourself in the present moment by bringing your awareness to your breath, bring your awareness to your body, to your hands, your fingers, your toes, noticing how your body feels. And you don't have to be in a meditation right now with closed eyes. You can just check in with your body and embody your body instead of being in your mind.

Speaker 1:

And then I want you to imagine that anxiety is an entity. Maybe it's a glowing ball of light, maybe it's a cartoon character, maybe you feel it in a specific place in your body. I want you to notice what you feel when you think of anxiety and where it's living and, like I said, give it a shape or a form and then imagine that you're having a conversation with it. What would you say to it? Would you say, shut the F up and stop bugging me? What if you were to talk to it like a small child? You wouldn't say that to a small child, hopefully. How would you show it compassion if it was having a temper tantrum, trying to get its way and show you all the bad things that could happen? How would you talk to this small child? How would you counsel it? How would you highlight security and stability and how that is possible, not only the bad things that could happen? Now, what would it say back to you? What would it be like to have a conversation with your anxiety? What would it be like to soothe it and comfort it, to show it love and maybe to even see how it's trying to protect you? What would it be like if you had gratitude for its protection? And if you're taking time to go through this practice, notice what shifts in your body when you start to view anxiety as separate from yourself and to show it compassion and love. Maybe it's wounded, so treat it like a sick entity, a wounded or hurt part of yourself.

Speaker 1:

Viewing anxiety in this frame has been a game changer in my life, because for so long I just wanted it to go away. I just wanted it to stop bothering me and stop controlling my life. And I'm going to be honest with you. There are times when I still have anxiety. That's overwhelming, but the times that I have anxiety are more few and far between and they don't last as long, because I've shifted my relationship with anxiety. I've started to look at it as just a part of me that is having an experience, and some of the reasons why it's acting the way it is is because of past events that I've experienced that were destabilizing and felt unsafe, and that anxiety is truly trying to help me. And when I remember that, I'm not trying to force it to go away anymore. I'm instead trying to understand it and make peace with it. And that is such a more loving approach to myself, and it's the same way I wish to approach others who struggle, but taking time to listen to your anxiety and talk with it. That is a form of self-love and self-care, that is a form of giving to yourself first and when you do that, everyone wins and then creating a healthier expectation.

Speaker 1:

With anxiety can also be a game changer, like I said, not needing it to go away and sometimes it's easy to look at your current emotional state as a marker of progress. And, like I said, for me, I experience less anxiety in my life, especially when I approach it this way. But when I experience anxiety or a panic attack, it doesn't mean that I've done it all wrong, I've lost all progress on my spiritual path, that I'm always going to be stuck in this way forever. It can be more of a red flag that life is out of balance and that it's time to start noticing small, simple things you can do to bring your life back into balance. Like I said, it doesn't have to be a big overhaul. Just choose one simple thing and focus on that one thing. Decide what action you can start taking tomorrow or in this moment, right now, to bring a little bit more stability and security into your life, because those feelings are the opposite of anxiety.

Speaker 1:

Anxiety is lack, depletion, not enough resources, not enough control, fear, instability, insecurity. That is abundance, that is having what you need, that is abundance, that is having what you need, and the universe is here to support you and give you what you need because you deserve it. Just by being human you deserve it. You don't have to take care of everyone and do everything and make it look easy and perfect to be worthy and deserve a peaceful, grounded sense of being on this planet. And so that's the little practice that I have for you today, and play with it Like any practice. It's not a one and done.

Speaker 1:

This is a podcast episode, obviously, so you can re-listen to it over and over again. You could do some writing around those questions. You can incorporate those questions into a morning meditation or an afternoon or evening meditation whenever you feel anxious. And then I have more anxiety relief tools that are free for you on my website. It's called Stepping Off the Chaos Roller Coaster Three Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief, and in that little freebie I share three practices that you can do for yourself to shift your anxiety. And then there's also a free anxiety relief meditation attached. So again, that's stepping off the chaos rollercoaster Three Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief. You can find the link in the show notes too, and, man, you know this life journey is going to keep on throwing those challenges your way, but there is a way to stay connected to yourself and have a more peaceful experience through life's ups and downs.

Speaker 1:

And if you're struggling today, just know that you're not alone and that this too shall pass, because one of the promises it's a Buddhist promise. I can't remember the name of the promises. If you've studied Buddhism you'll be like I know what the one this is you know. But one of the only guarantees in life is change, and we've all seen that everything changes, sometimes for the better, sometimes not for the better. But if you're uncomfortable right now, know that it's possible to shift into a positive direction. You don't have to wait till you're in more pain to shift Really. Reach out for support, ask others for help, give yourself permission to take care of yourself. Find your oxygen mask mask. Put that on first. But don't struggle alone. Reach out, find a friend, reach out to me. I'm wishing you so much love and laughter on your spiritual journey and I look forward to connecting again with you soon. All right, until next time, take care.