Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast

BEST OF: Detaching With Love: Navigating Stressful Relationships- Ep.41

• Allesanda Tolomei-Hard • Season 1 • Episode 41

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In this impactful episode, host Allesanda Tolomei-Hard, a.k.a. Mrs. Hard, explores a simple yet powerful approach to managing stressful relationships with grace and compassion. This episode is particularly beneficial for anyone dealing with challenging relationships, whether they are familial, romantic, or professional.

We are going to talk about...

  • How detachment doesn't mean disconnecting but maintaining healthy boundaries while caring for oneself.
  • Exploring the concept of loving detachment and its importance in reducing stress and improving well-being.
  • The common signs indicating a need for detachment, such as obsessing over others' needs and feeling under-appreciated.
  • How to recognize when you might benefit from practicing detachment in your relationships.

I also share about my personal journey with my father and how our relationship shifted from chaotic to peaceful once I set loving boundaries. 

And to help you start implementing these concepts, I will guide you through a soothing meditation exercise. This meditation is designed to promote peace of mind and reduce stress in relationships and can be practiced anytime, anywhere.


 Key Takeaways:

- Learning to detach with love can transform stressful relationships and improve personal well-being.

- Identifying signs that indicate a need for detachment helps in recognizing and addressing unhealthy patterns.

- Personal stories illustrate the benefits of physical and emotional detachment.

- A guided meditation exercise provides a practical tool for reducing relationship stress.


Listen to this episode to discover how you can navigate stressful relationships with love and grace.


Links and Resources:

>>Follow Mrs. Hard on social media for more insights and updates:
 Instagram: Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Facebook: Mrs.Hard

>>Visit my website for more episodes and resources:
 mrs-hard.com


 Subscribe & Review:

If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. Your feedback helps us reach more people and share the message of healing and empowerment.

Contact:

Have questions or want to share your story? 
 Email us at allesanda4388@gmail.com

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Speaker 1:

Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use in love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey everyone, welcome to the Hard Times no More Relationship Podcast. I'm Alessandra Ptolemy Hart, aka Mrs Hart, your host.

Speaker 1:

This week, I'm bringing back one of my most impactful episodes Detaching with Love, navigating Stressful Relationships. This is for you if you've been struggling in a personal or family relationship. We're going to discuss how detachment doesn't mean you don't care, but rather it's a way for you to care for yourself while maintaining healthy boundaries. We're going to dive into the common signs that may be indicating that you could benefit from practicing detachment, such as constantly feeling underappreciated or stuck in cycles of tension, and I'm going to share with you how my father has been one of my greatest teachers when it comes to detachment. These lessons haven't always been comfortable, but they have helped me have healthy boundaries in so many areas of my life. And to help you implement these concepts, I'm going to guide you through a short and sweet meditation at the end of this episode. This exercise is designed to help you have more peace of mind and less stress in your relationships, and you can practice it anytime, anywhere. Now, without further ado, let's jump into this week's best of episode Detaching with Love, navigating Stressful Relationships. It is possible to detach in a way that will help your relationship and not hurt it, and I'm going to explain more about that in just a second.

Speaker 1:

But first let's discuss if your relationship may need a little or a lot of detachment. Let me ask you do you find yourself obsessing over others? Or maybe you think obsessing is a strong word, so let's just say thinking a lot about others and how this may show up in your life is that you plan your day around their schedule, even if it isn't convenient for you. Maybe you wake them up every morning because they missed their alarm. Maybe you even set an alarm the night before so that you get up earlier than them so you can make sure that they wake up, even though you don't actually need to be up that early, actually need to be up that early. Do you find yourself making food for dinner that they like, that maybe you're not a big fan of, but you never make the food that you really like, even if you're the cook in the house?

Speaker 1:

Do you sometimes feel like you're underappreciated and you feel like you're stuck with all the responsibility in the relationship and you wonder how you got to that place? Maybe you feel stuck in a cycle where there's a lot of tension in the relationship and you enter the interactions wanting to have a positive experience, but you find yourself always feeling triggered and never feeling heard. These are signs that you would benefit from practicing detachment and that your relationship may not be in a super healthy place. But most likely you already knew that and it's so important to learn healthy detachment, because with healthy detachment your wellbeing improves. You're less tired because you're not spending so much energy worrying about the other person or what they think or how what you're doing is going to affect them, and you get your personal power back, because your happiness, your well-being, doesn't depend on the other person and you can spend your time and your energy focusing on more productive things that create a more fulfilling life for yourself energy focusing on more productive things that create a more fulfilling life for yourself and in turn, that helps you have more fulfilling relationships. And so let's talk about what detachment is.

Speaker 1:

Detachment can be physical separation or it can be an emotional separation. Detachment is neither kind or unkind. To practice detachment, you first need to acknowledge that you are not responsible for anyone other than yourself, unless you have small children and in this conversation we're talking adult to adult and you can practice detachment in a situation where you're a caregiver, but it's important to acknowledge that you cannot truly cause the other person to do something or not to do something that they have free will. This is a very important concept, because sometimes, when we're in relationships that feel a bit one-sided, we do think it's up to us to keep the peace, to make things go smoothly, and if things aren't going well, that it's our fault or that we shouldn't have said X Y Z or done X Y Z, because now we've caused a riff and now we're having to deal with that riff and it wasn't even worth it, you know. But in my experience, practicing true detachment is peaceful.

Speaker 1:

But when changing things up, especially when a relationship has been one way for a long time, it can be a bit uncomfortable, and that discomfort isn't bad. It's a sign that things are changing and discomfort can be a sign of growth and that that can actually be a good sign. And it's important, if you're making a change to your habits in your relationship, that you communicate that with the other person. And I suggest just communicating that you are going to make a change in your relationship, whatever that looks like, whether it's making something different for dinner or choosing to spend some time with a friend when usually you would spend time with that person, or maybe for a short period of time, visiting that person less frequently, but explaining to them that this is just something you need to do for a period of time and that you don't really need to go into the why you're making this change, because that's where things can get a little sticky and I'm going to talk about two different kinds of detachment. I'm going to talk about physical separation detachment. I'm going to talk about emotional detachment.

Speaker 1:

My biggest lesson with detachment was with my father. He had lived in an assisted nursing facility for about six years and this was during a time where his health was really poor and he's had multiple sclerosis my whole life and he needed to go into assisted living because my mom was having to call 911 almost every single night because he had memory issues and he would take too much of his medication and he'd overdose and he would be on the floor and my mom wasn't able to lift him or wake him up and so she'd have to call the paramedics. And this was happening so frequently that my parents insurance was threatening to drop my father from the insurance because of all of these visits to their house and how much it was costing. And then my mom also was having to work at the time like 40, 50, 60 hours a week to try to keep them afloat and she wasn't able to stay home and care for him and she wasn't able to afford bringing in somebody because it was very expensive and they didn't have that money. Doctor wanted him to go into assisted living, and this was very hard for my family to let my dad go into assisted living because if you're familiar with these places, they aren't great. But somebody was watching over him 24 hours and he was much safer in that facility and he lived there for six years and after my mom passed away he had been dating people on Facebook and online and or trying to date people online, and you know we all want companionship.

Speaker 1:

That's completely understandable. More power to him. My father is amazing in the sense of like, when he sets his mind to something he goes after it. But anyways, I believe the story goes like this. It may or may not be slightly different, but he met a woman online, and not as a romantic person, but to be his caretaker, and she started taking him to doctor's appointments that were further away, because he would go see specialists that were like an hour and a half, two hours away. And this woman wanted to move to Napa and move my father in with her in Napa, because that's where I live and she lives in a different county and anyways, it didn't work out that they could get an apartment here for multiple reasons it was too expensive and so she ended up moving him a couple hours away to live with her. So let me set the stage for you At this time.

Speaker 1:

It was just a couple months after my house burned down in 2017. And in the past, when something went wrong with my father, it would fall on me. I was the person who would have to clean up the mess and I was the primary caretaker. So, as you can imagine, I was not too thrilled about this idea. He had lived in a nursing home for six years. He had met this woman online. I did not know her. Honestly, at the time I did not care to get to know her. I did not have the bandwidth or the energy to quote unquote deal with this. But my father is an adult and he wanted to move there.

Speaker 1:

And my brother I have a sibling, a brother and he was on board with this and I have had people who have supported me through all of my big changes emotional and physical in my life. I have always had somebody to coach me, mentor me and help me, because for me it's really important to have that outside help to help me see situations differently. And it was suggested to me to detach physically from the situation if my father decided to move in with this woman and let me tell you that was the best thing I ever did for our relationship. My father decided to move in with this woman. My brother agreed to pick up the pieces if it fell apart, and at the time if I was a betting person I would have bet that it would fall apart, and guess what it didn't. He's been living there for several years now and he moved there and ended up thriving. His health became much better. He started going to physical therapy and he was wheelchair bound. He started walking again, but the deal was when he moved that I said I wasn't going to talk to him for three months and I needed that physical separation for my own well-being.

Speaker 1:

And saying that to my father was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And I said it in a very kind, compassionate way. I did not say this is your fault, you're doing this to me. I did not use any language like that. I said you know what? I understand why you want to do this and I can't be present for this in case it doesn't work out. And he could admit that there was a chance that it wouldn't work out and I said I'm just going to have to not talk to you for the next three months. I hope this goes well for you and when three months goes by, then I can talk to you again.

Speaker 1:

And three months went by and it was really uncomfortable because I had this really uncomfortable aha moment where I realized I was not as important in the equation as I thought I was. He ended up, as I said, thriving from this move which, you know, it did not seem like that was going to be the case at the time, especially from my past experience with my father, and I am so glad I let him make that decision. I am so glad I detached, I'm so glad I stepped back, because he would have never had that opportunity if I would have inserted myself and said I know what's best for you. You know, and I mean it was just a miracle and it still is a miracle today. Like I said, they've been living together symbiotically for several years. It works out for them and my dad's had a much better life and I had so many reasons to be involved and to insert myself in the name of his safety.

Speaker 1:

And physically, detaching changed our relationship. We used to have a much more tumultuous relationship. Now we have a very positive relationship. Every time I talk to him we laugh. We rarely have conflict anymore, and it was because of that big move which was so uncomfortable. My wellbeing used to be so attached to his wellbeing and how he was doing, and today it is not, and it has become so much better for the both of us.

Speaker 1:

And so sometimes to restart a pattern in an unhealthy relationship, you need to step back. You really need to detach for a period of time not forever, just for a period of time so that you can shift your perspective. You can shift those patterns that you're experiencing in the relationship that you don't want to continue, the ones that aren't serving you or the other person. And I took that time to really look at my part, what I could change on my side of the relationship, because, as you know, we can't control other people. All we can control is ourself. And when you take that space, that time, to rearrange your perspective and to do some internal work and investigate, you know where is that fear coming from, where is that control coming from, where is that need to do everything and take on so much responsibility coming from? When you do that investigative work, you transform, and by transforming your own internal self you can transform the relationship and the relationship, the new relationship that comes from that may not be what you thought it would be.

Speaker 1:

For a long time I thought my perfect relationship with my father would be when he's able to do all of these quote-unquote dad things, when really my perfect relationship with my father is a place of acceptance with him, accepting him as who he is, doing the best he can right now. And that came through detachment, the physical separation, and now I'm going to share with you about emotional detachment, because this last year has been a strong year for practicing emotional detachment. My husband was in paramedic school and he also worked as a firefighter for several months and there was a particular span of time in which he was doing both and he was under so much pressure. But he was coming home every single night for the most part and I had to emotionally separate and detach from him because he was going through his own thing and if I was taking what he was going through on or personally, or trying to rearrange my life to make his life more convenient, it was just causing more and more friction in our relationship, causing more and more friction in our relationship, and so emotional detachment looked like filling my cup without needing him so much, making sure I wasn't taking his stuff personally which was easier to do if I wasn't taking on all of the responsibility either and so what that looked like was spending time with people who supported me and getting my needs filled elsewhere because he was tapped out. He honestly did not have the energy to give to the relationship, and that's not condemning him or judging him for that. He was just in a very stressful time in life in which all the energy he had had to go to this one goal for a season so that he could get through it. So I just had to use other resources in my life to meet my needs, and the separation we had during this time emotionally, because we were still living in the same house ended up bringing us closer together because we were still living in the same house ended up bringing us closer together and it made us grateful to spend time with each other when we could. And once again, it made it so that we weren't bringing in a bunch of negative emotions after the season had passed.

Speaker 1:

And I see this same benefit happen with others when they're stuck in a cycle with their significant other or their family, where there's a lot of tension or a lot of resentment, it can be very beneficial to pull back emotionally to reconnect with yourself, to reconnect with other people who can support you as you work through the emotions you're having, as you dig deeper into why you're having these emotions, because they're not going to just pass on their own with a little bit of time and a little bit of separation or an emotional disconnect which can show up as being very cold if you're not doing the internal work, if you're not looking at your own stuff and wondering. You know, why am I having these feelings? What is this situation bringing up in my life? So emotional detachment is more about getting your needs met elsewhere and you're keeping the peace, but not sacrificing your own needs or your own wellbeing, because you've identified where you can find those outlets to recharge you. You don't need the other person to change or be something else. Once again, you're finding that acceptance with who they are and where they're at in life right now. And what I found in life is that when we bring that acceptance to a relationship, it changes our relationship with others Because just on an energetic level, you can feel if somebody has expectations of you or not, and when you drop those expectations, an openness replaces that tension.

Speaker 1:

But something to pay attention to here is that you really have to do that internal work, along with the detachment, and this makes me think of a tool that I really love. It's called the three C's C number one, you didn't cause it. C number two you can't cure it. And C number three you can't control it. And when I'm feeling overly involved with someone else, I run this little checklist through my mind Am I trying to control them? Am I trying to fix the situation? Do I feel responsible like I caused it? Because we truly aren't responsible for anyone but ourselves. And when doing that internal work, try to investigate any fears you may have that are coming up. Are you afraid that if you detach physically or emotionally, that you'll be seen as mean cold, or that you're not loving or caring, that you're not a quote-unquote good daughter or a good partner? But then I beg you to consider if sacrificing your own wants, energy, needs and desires is loving, and is this really making you who you want to be in your life? Is this helping you show up as the person that you want to be towards others. And when you do this internal work, you're able to show up for others in such a more profound way. You're able to truly be helpful to others instead of having a hidden agenda when helping others.

Speaker 1:

Because, if you are like me, for a long time I needed to be needed by others to feel worthy, to feel lovable, to feel like I mattered. And that icky stickiness attached to my helping created unhealthy relationships in my life. And at the time I didn't know why I kept on finding myself in unhealthy relationships. I was like I'm responsible for everything, like, why is it going so wrong? And it's because it wasn't a relationship. There wasn't that trust, there wasn't that balance and there was an attachment to needing to be needed to be worthy of love, instead of having faith that I was enough, that what I was doing in the relationship was enough, that it didn't need to be perfect, that I didn't need to be everything to everyone. And if I wasn't everything to everyone, it also didn't mean I was going to lose the person. And, like I said, when you're making a shift in your relationship, it's important to communicate the shift and not go into the why.

Speaker 1:

Just say that you're changing the status quo, that you're trying something different for a little while here and you know if they don't react the way you want them to, it's important to just do your best to let that roll off your shoulders, because you can't control somebody else's actions or reactions. You can't control how they're going to respond to you. You just need to do what's best for you and the rest will fall into place afterwards. That is like the first thing you got to do. The first step you got to take is just finding out what you need. You got to take is just finding out what you need, what is going to help you heal, and not worrying about the other person as much, even though that can be very hard to do, because you know, if you're a lot, if you're like some of the people I work with, you worry a lot about others, and it's because you're very caring, but that can backfire on you. So, really encouraging you to take back your power, see what you need, really check in with that.

Speaker 1:

Now I'm going to guide you through an exercise that you can practice right here, right now, no matter what you're doing, even if you're driving, you're walking, whatever you're doing I want you to just follow me through this little simple exercise. So first take a couple slow, deep breaths. Connect with your breath. Connecting with your breath calms your nervous system. Connecting with your breath calms your nervous system and brings your awareness back to your body, back to yourself. And then I want you to imagine that you have a bubble around you. It can be a clear bubble, it can have a color, it can be form-fitting. It can be a color, it can be form-fitting, it can be a circle, and I want you to imagine that all of the energy within the bubble is your energy and other people's energy can't get into the bubble.

Speaker 1:

I also want you to imagine that you're calling back all of your energy from wherever it may be scattered throughout the world. Maybe you left some energy in a past conversation. Maybe you left some energy at work. Maybe you left some energy at the grocery store, wherever it is. Imagine calling it back. And I want you to think of that energy as a color. Imagine that color filling up the bubble. Imagine that color filling up the bubble, and that bubble is your space. It is your safety, your security and it is filled with love and your energy. And take a deep breath into this feeling, into this space, and know that you can carry this protective bubble with you wherever you go throughout your day. Make sure to ground your energy in this bubble, in this space. Before having a challenging conversation, before interacting with somebody who triggers you, remember to call your energy back and that this is accessible to you at any time. Yes, you can do this during a seated meditation or when lying down, but you can also do it through your day. If you feel a little bit stressed or overwhelmed, just call back your energy. Imagine that bubble around you and imagine that you're safe and secure within your space and that no one can take this away from you. Just take a deep breath into that. All right, that's the short little guided exercise that you can take with you wherever you go.

Speaker 1:

Also, I have created a free online series called Stepping Off the Chaos Roller Coaster Three Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief, where I share another simple practice that you can use when you know you're going to have to spend some time with someone who triggers you, because, if you are like me, the more tools the better, and, as an introvert and an empathetic person, it's easy for me to go into fix-it mode or take on other people's stress or want to keep the peace at all costs, but the right tools make it so that you no longer have to sacrifice your needs and well-being to keep the peace.

Speaker 1:

You can have the best of both worlds. You can have a peaceful relationship and peace of mind and in stepping off the chaos roller coaster. I also share two other practices for stress relief and I include a free anxiety relief guided meditation, because, I'm sure you can agree, you can't change what happens day to day, but with a little practice you can change how you react to life when life happens, and I'll add the link to that in the show notes and you can also find it at mrs-hardcom. Thank you so much for joining me and for connecting with me today and for making me a part of your spiritual journey. I am abundantly grateful to be on this ride with you and if you want to come say hi, you can find me on Instagram at mrshard underscore times no more or on Facebook. Look me up, mrs Hard. So until next time, take care.