Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast

A People-Pleaser’s Guide to Managing Holiday Stress- Ep. 46

• Allesanda Tolomei-Hard • Season 1 • Episode 46

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Are you a people-pleaser who dreads the overwhelm of the holiday season? In this episode, we explore how you can set boundaries, practice acceptance, and reconnect with your feelings to reduce stress and find more joy. The holidays don’t have to drain you—they can be a time of peace and connection when you prioritize what truly matters.

Listen to hear how to:

>> Create essential holiday boundaries.
>> Say no without guilt.
>> Inspire others to care for themselves.
>> Replace over-commitment with simple, restorative actions.

Feel Your Feelings:

>> Grief, sadness, or anxiety often resurface during the holidays.
>> Create space to process these emotions and heal.

Start Your Day Intentionally:

>> Use a 5-minute meditation or journaling practice to set a peaceful tone for your day.
>> Shift your mindset to focus on calm and abundance instead of chaos.

Resources Mentioned:

  • Stepping Off the Chaos Roller Coaster: Free online coaching series with an anxiety relief meditation. Click Here To Start Now
  • The Little Frog’s Guide to Self-Care by Mabel Eequay. Link to Book

Upcoming Events:

  • Movement & Meditation at the Garden
    Date: Saturday, January 4th
    Time: 9:00–10:00 AM
    Location: The Garden Restaurant, 1500 First St., Napa, CA
    Details: Join me and personal trainer Laisha Ames for a morning of movement and mindfulness. 

Visit Mrs-Hard.com To Sign Up. Click Here

  • Empower Her: Branding Workshop
    Date: Sunday, January 12th
    Time: 3:00–5:00 PM
    Location: 828 School Street, Napa, CA
    Details: A workshop for female entrepreneurs on branding and overcoming fears of being seen.

Visit Mrs-Hard.com To Sign Up. Click Here

Connect with Me:

Remember, the holidays can be joyful and fulfilling when you take small, intentional steps to care for yourself. Listen to the full episode for practical tips and affirmations to help you through the season.

Speaker 1:

Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard Times no More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer and my house burnt down in a California wildfire, and those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use in love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys. Together, let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships, and say goodbye to hard times for good. Hey there, welcome to the Hard Times no More Relationship Podcast. I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, your host. Today we're going to talk about managing stress during the holiday season, because if you're a people pleaser, you already go above and beyond to meet others' needs, to help them, to support them, and the holiday season can add another layer of pressure to show up for others, regardless of how you're feeling, and continuing to do that when you are feeling drained, anxious and overwhelmed can lead to burnout after the holiday season, if you look back at previous years and you see that Thanksgiving to New Year's Eve was a blur and that you needed at least a week to recover after the holiday season was over. My friend, you do not have to have that experience again. It can really put a damper on the holiday season and it can make you feel torn in two different directions, like you should be feeling joyful, merry and bright, but your insides are screaming for you to go take a nap, close the door and hide from the holiday hustle and bustle. So if you're feeling this way, know that you're not alone and this year can be an opportunity for you to change your relationship with the holiday season. I also want to acknowledge that the holidays can highlight who is not around and bring up a lot of grief, because if your parent has passed away recently, or maybe they passed away close to the holidays, their absence may be stronger during this time of the year, and that is something that's completely normal.

Speaker 1:

I've talked about grief a lot on this podcast and, as you know, it doesn't show up at the opportune time it shows up. When it does. And when it does show up, it's calling you to look deeper within. But, as a people pleaser, sometimes we use people, places and things to check out of our feelings. It's not an intentional thing. It's a type of coping mechanism Like, ooh, I don't want to look at that right now because that's too uncomfortable, so I'm just going to go focus on this other person and try to help, support or fix them, instead of looking at my own feelings and big feelings can be scary your mind may be telling you that if you pause and sit with those feelings, that you might get stuck there forever. You may feel that feelings of grief are really inconvenient because you want to be cheerful and merry and you tell yourself that if you ignore it it'll go away. And so these big feelings can cause you to avoid social situations, resist going to gatherings and make you feel more overwhelmed, where your mind will tell you that it's really just your to-do list and the holidays that are making you feel more overwhelmed. But it's really that avoidance of that internal feeling. And when these feelings show up, there is work to be done. And if you have a relationship with a higher power or the universe, know that these feelings are showing up at the right time, meaning that they're calling you to go within and seek healing, because when you revisit these feelings and sit with them and process them, you're able to feel more right with yourself, which allows you to show up the way you want to in the world. So let's talk about some tips for managing holiday overwhelm and expectations.

Speaker 1:

This is a great time to set boundaries. This is a great time to set boundaries. Give yourself permission to say no without a lot of explanation or guilt. When you get stuck in a cycle of over committing and overextending yourself, you're really not helping anyone. And if you're already feeling depleted and being called to do something, that is even more depleting. That is going to set you up for burnout. And this is a great time to practice healthy detachment, reminding yourself that you are not responsible for other people's feelings. You are only responsible for yourself If you're not feeling it that day, not having the energy to do a big thing or meet up or be around a bunch of people. There are going to be so many more opportunities in your life to spend one-on-one time with someone you love, and you're not the only one that feels overstretched and fatigued during the season.

Speaker 1:

It's a very common feeling and you don't know how the universe, or your higher power, is playing this out in your life, in the sense that you may say no to something and that may inspire somebody else to set boundaries for themselves, because they're going to have compassion for you, see that you're taking care of yourself, and then they may receive permission in some energetic way, to do the same thing for themselves. If your mind starts telling you that there's no option, that you can't do that, don't listen to it. Instead, check in with your own energy and try to assess what you need in that moment. Give yourself permission to read a murder mystery, to do a puzzle, to get a massage or a chiropractic adjustment, to do something that's going to fill your cup, because if you say yes to something and you're depleted, it's going to set you up to say yes to more things when you should be saying no, and that's going to lead to burnout, where, if you say no to one thing and instead replace it with an act of self-care, that's going to create the momentum where you're not going to have to say no to the next thing, or maybe you'll have to say no to one more thing and you'll replace that thing with some more self-care, but then you'll be able to say yes to five more things and when you show up to those events, you'll be able to be present with the people that you love and you'll create a healthier dynamic with the holiday season, instead of perpetuating this marathon race, overextending yourself, making you dread the holiday season the following year. So if you have a friend calling you to do something and you don't have the energy for it, feel free to use scripts like thank you so much for thinking of me, but I'm not available at this time and I would love to spend some time with you in a couple of weeks or a couple of days or when I have more energy. Also, remember that no is a complete sentence and you don't have to give a long explanation for why you are saying no, and that you are not responsible for other people's feelings. You are only responsible for your own feelings, and when you take care of yourself, it's not selfish. You're setting an example and you're creating more sustainable energy for yourself and more sustainable connections and deeper connections when you do spend time with the people that you love, and then this leads to practicing acceptance.

Speaker 1:

Acceptance is the answer to so many problems. But acceptance is hard to make friends with and make peace with, because acceptance doesn't happen immediately when you're feeling uncomfortable. Usually you will have to do a little bit of processing or sitting with your feelings and being honest with yourself to reach that place of acceptance. So allow yourself to feel grief if that's what's coming up for you, for you to feel sadness if that's the feeling that's coming up. To allow yourself to rest without judgment. Remind yourself that it's okay to feel whatever's coming up for you during the holiday season.

Speaker 1:

Do your best to release unrealistic expectations of yourself and others, because those expectations lead to resentment and resentment drains your energy when, if you're able to find a place of acceptance after processing those feelings, becoming right with yourself, then you start to run on a different energy. Maybe it's acceptance, maybe it's peace, maybe it's love, but those are very sustainable energies to run on. Try your best to accept that the holidays may not look perfect, and that's okay. If you think back to previous holidays, they've probably never been perfect either. And if you look at your best friend's holiday season, their holiday season probably isn't perfect as well. So if your mind is telling you that you really need to set these high expectations, to do it all to make things perfect. See how that's a lie the idea of perfection with progress and allowing things to look a little messy, because life is messy. And that denial creates a split in your energy, where your soul is feeling one thing and then your mind is wanting you to do something else, and that's very draining. So finding acceptance is the key to preserving your energy and when you have that real acceptance, you can focus on what truly matters Connection, peace and taking care of yourself.

Speaker 1:

During this time, I highly recommend that you dive into your morning routine. Maybe you already have a morning routine including meditation and writing. Maybe it's fallen to the wayside because life has been really hectic. This is a perfect opportunity for you to revamp your morning routine. So during this time, commit to a five minute morning meditation. You can access a free anxiety relief meditation through my free online coaching series called Stepping Off the Chaos Roller Coaster. You can find a link to that in the show notes. Or you can simply just set a timer and listen to the fan in your house, or listen to the cars going by, or just allow your mind to find a little bit of peace. Taking just five minutes for yourself first thing in the morning, creating that peaceful connection with yourself, will set you up for a much more peaceful day.

Speaker 1:

I've talked about this before, but there's the RAS system the Recticular Analytical System, which is constantly scanning your environment to help validate whatever feelings you're having. And so if you start your day stressed out, your RAS system is going to look for more things to be hypervigilant about and to be on guard about, because you're subconsciously telling your system that there's a lot of threats in your environment. So you really need to watch out. But when you start your day with five minutes of meditation, you're shifting that system to look for peace, to look for space, to look for calming things, and so that's going to perpetuate a feeling of peace rather than a feeling of anxiety. That five minutes is crucial, especially when you're busy. If your mind tells you you don't really have time for this, don't listen to it because it's not true, and if you don't make this time, your day will run away without your ability to be intentional.

Speaker 1:

I highly recommend taking five minutes to journal. I've had many clients who have never journaled before. Start journaling and it can be a game changer. Don't knock it till you try it and try it for an extended period of time, like a full week. Just commit to seven days of journaling for five minutes in the morning. You can set a timer, start with a gratitude list listing five things you're grateful for. That will also enhance your RAS system to look for things that you're grateful for in your life, making you feel more abundant, secure and stable. Or you can write about however you're feeling.

Speaker 1:

If you're feeling anxious, inquire as to why you have that feeling and if it's true, and see if you can pull back layers of that onion and get to more of the root cause, what's really coming up. And I'm going to give you a little tip, a little secret here that usually the external things that your mind is concerned about are not the root issue. The root issue usually has to do with self-worth, security, belonging, trust and believing that you will be cared for and provided for. Those are usually the root issues behind your stress and anxiety. But your mind will tell you it's my to-do list, it's my lack of funds, it's my lack of time, it's my partner. They're not acting right. If they would just be nicer to me and thank me for all the amazing things I do for them. Then I would feel so much better. But if that's not really the cause, then you could have that happen. Your partner could be so grateful for you and your mind would just jump to something else. That would then become the problem.

Speaker 1:

So in times of stress, even when you feel a lack of time, it is important to take intentional time to meditate, which is really just quieting yourself, quieting your mind, becoming intentional at the beginning of your day, connecting with yourself before you go out into the world, and taking time to journal, which is a form of processing, so that you can sit with these emotions, these big feelings that are coming up for you, that are splitting you in two different ways, and so that you can create more harmony within and then arrive at more acceptance, because you've processed it instead of ignoring it. And the more you live in acceptance, the more that becomes the status quo and where your body and your mind feel happy, so it's easier to stay there. You have less tolerance for stress and anxiety. And then yesterday I was looking at this book, the Little Frog's Guide to Self-Care, by Maybel Ikwe. A good friend of mine got me this book last year, and the first page I flipped open to is titled 10 affirmations to remind you of the magic that you hold. I thought this would be an excellent reminder for you during this podcast today.

Speaker 1:

So if you are building a healthy relationship with yourself and working on adjusting your self-talk, affirmations are a great place to start. So if one of these affirmations calls to you, I want you to write it down or just make a mental note, and when you're feeling depleted or like you're running on empty, I want you to say the affirmation to yourself. And the great thing is you can pause, rewind and start listening to the affirmations from the beginning, or you can just continue listening, see which one you like and then earmark it and use it when you're feeling depleted. The first affirmation is it's so brave of me to exist. And then there's a cute little frog with boots on and a hat that's like a mushroom hat. I highly recommend getting this book because the illustrations I cannot convey how cute they are and how they just light up your soul.

Speaker 1:

The second affirmation is I'm going to be nicer to myself. The third affirmation is I am as worthy of my dreams as anyone else. The fourth affirmation is my body works so hard for me. I love that because, if you are like me, you may take your body for granted, but your body is miraculous and constantly creating homeostasis in your life. You have so many cells within your body that are working to heal you and to keep you feeling your best. Your body is your best friend and on your side, and if you don't feel that way about your body right now, that's totally understandable. But if you're feeling low, my body works so hard for me is a great affirmation to say to yourself and to see if you're feeling low, my body works so hard for me is a great affirmation to say to yourself and to see if you can move that from just words to being in your heart space or being in your belly or being wherever you may feel some insecurity or some resistance in your body. The fifth affirmation is magic always reveals itself when I'm willing to see it, and what I love about that is that this acceptance we're talking about this being present in the moment is the space when you're most likely going to be able to see it, and then you bring the RAS system on board and not only are you being able to see the magic in your life. You're creating more of it because that's what you're tuning yourself into, accepting and paying attention to.

Speaker 1:

The sixth affirmation is I am worthy of safe and healthy relationships. That is so big and that speaks to giving yourself permission to maintain healthy boundaries and take care of yourself, because when you do that work internally with yourself your relationships follow, and so it's not about trading out the people in your life. Sometimes it is, but not always. It's about working on yourself, and then that attracts the safe and healthy relationships. And the seventh affirmation is I am allowed to feel the emotions that are moving through me and I am allowed to let go of them when I am ready, when thinking about processing grief.

Speaker 1:

About processing grief, maybe you just need permission to feel it. Maybe you just need permission to not be okay, to let things be messy, to let things go, and to trust the universe, your higher power, god, whatever you believe in, to be there with you while you experience these feelings, while you allow them to wash over you. You are allowed to let go of them when you are ready, not when it's convenient for someone else, and the same thing could be said for stress or anxiety or fatigue. You can allow yourself to feel these feelings, to take a pause, to take a step back, to rest, to do something frivolous, and then, when you are ready, you can let them go. And then affirmation number seven is I will be gentle with myself. Give yourself permission to treat yourself like you would your own best friend.

Speaker 1:

Affirmation number eight my trauma doesn't make me any less lovable. There's not a single human that walks on this earth that hasn't experienced hardship, and though your mind may tell you that yours is worse than anyone else's, know that the things that have happened to you and that you've experienced. Know that the things that have happened to you and that you've experienced do not take away from who you are, but instead add to who you are, helping you to be more empathetic and caring, loving and able to hold space for others. When we work with our trauma, when we process it, when we do our best to make friends with it or accept it on some level, it can be an amazing gift, an amazing lesson, and if you're in the middle of trauma right now, hearing that it's a gift is the last thing you want to hear. You're like, yeah right, you know, or please take this gift back, but trust me, over time it can serve you, especially when you're willing to sit with it and process it, with somebody who can help you navigate it. Doing it alone can be tricky it's not impossible, but from experience I highly recommend asking someone else for help to support you through it, and ultimately that transformation can make you feel more lovable because of the experiences you've had.

Speaker 1:

And then, affirmation number 10, I am going to treat myself the way I would treat my best friend. That's so perfect because it's totally tying into this theme that we're talking about being kinder to ourselves, treating yourself like you would your own best friend. And so those affirmations were taken from the Little Frog's Guide to Self Care by Mabel Equay, and I'll put a link to that in the show notes too, if it resonates with you. The illustrations, like I said, are beyond cute and they will make you laugh. So once again, I want to remind you that you're not alone, and if you're feeling uncomfortable, the universe may be calling you to go within, maybe not for the entire holiday season, but for a couple hours or a day or a couple of days, to take care of yourself. Put your oxygen mask on first before exerting yourself, overcommitting and perpetuating cycles of burnout.

Speaker 1:

If this podcast resonated with you and you can think of someone else that is going through a hard time and has a challenging relationship with the holidays, pass this podcast along to them. It's a non-codependent way to share some helpful tools. You can give it to them and then detach with love. You know, just be like. I put it out there and they can do with it what they want. And I want to encourage you to take one small action from what you heard today to incorporate into your life, whether that's the morning routine, positive affirmations, giving yourself permission to say no. Take a small action that you heard today and commit to bringing it into your life, starting right now, because you don't have to do it all. Sometimes it just takes one thing that starts to snowball into many positive things that create more peace and stability in your life.

Speaker 1:

And I have a few ways that we can connect in person. The first is one-on-one stress relief coaching. I offer a free 30-minute session so that we can get to know each other and start to unpack your unique situation Because, like I said, navigating through big feelings around grief, stress and anxiety can be overwhelming on your own, but when you have somebody to keep you accountable to offer tools and resources that can help you navigate these feelings, that you trust and that you know who's been through it before. It can make a really big impact in your healing process. And I can show you the tools that have worked for me and countless others to help you navigate your unique circumstances so that you can feel more peace, lighter and more fulfillment. You can find a link to set up your free 30-minute one-on-one stress relief coaching session in the show notes or at mrs-hardcom.

Speaker 1:

And on Saturday, january 4th, personal trainer Leisha Ames and I are hosting movement and meditation at the garden from 9am to 10am. Registration will open about two weeks before, so, depending on when you're listening to this episode, you can check my website, mrs-hardcom, to register. And then on Sunday, january 12th, lisa Fonville and I are hosting Empower Her from 3 to 5 pm. This is a business workshop for female entrepreneurs or people who are looking to go into business to learn about branding. Every Empower Her session has a focus, so this one's going to be focused on branding and the hidden emotions behind putting yourself out there, because a lot of people who are entrepreneurs or wanting to start their own business have a lot of fear around branding.

Speaker 1:

A lot of emotions can come up around putting yourself out there and being seen and feeling worthy worthy that you have what other people want and that it's okay to talk about it and it's okay to advertise it, because advertising is really about putting the message out there, the little beacon of light like hey, I have this thing, if this is right for you, come find me. It doesn't have to be a sleazy sales kind of thing or like you're forcing people to buy or use a service that you provide that they don't really want. Really great branding is just showing people what you have to offer, so that they can see you in the sea of many other people and that you're able to really express what is unique about your gift, and so that you can attract your dream clients and attract people who really want to work with you. And when they're excited to work with you, you're excited to work with them, and then work becomes fun. And so Lisa Fonville will be hosting the branding part of it and I will be talking about the deeper aspects behind why it's hard to show up and the worthiness pieces that are holding you back from connecting with the people you really want to help.

Speaker 1:

So, again, that's January 12th, that's a Sunday from 3 to 5 pm, and that will be at my office, 828 School Street in Napa, california. Registration for Empower Her will be found at my website at mrs-hardcom. All right, that's all I've got for you today. Thanks so much for hanging with me and I look forward to talking to you soon. Until next time, take care.