Supporting Your Child, Trusting Yourself: A New Approach to Parenting with Joanna Whitely -Ep. 48

Parenting is a journey filled with unknowns, especially when you're supporting a neurodivergent child or a teen navigating gender identity. 

In this episode, I sit down with Joanna Whitely, founder of Sounds Like Sunshine Parenting, to talk about how parents can stay grounded, set healthy boundaries, and cultivate trust—without falling into the trap of control or fear.

Joanna shares her personal journey of leaving a high-control religious upbringing, learning to trust herself, and ultimately becoming a coach for parents who feel isolated. She brings powerful insights into the neuroscience of teenage brain development, the importance of connection over correction, and how to handle difficult conversations with family, teachers, and society at large.

If you've ever wondered how to support your child while staying true to your own needs—or how to reconnect with a teen who keeps pulling away—this conversation is for you.

You’ll Hear About:

✨ Why traditional parenting tools don’t work for today’s teens—and what to do instead
 ✨ The neuroscience behind teen behavior (why they really can’t always "just listen")
✨ How to rebuild trust and connection after your child has been distant or secretive
✨ The role of self-connection in becoming the best parent for your child
✨ How to advocate for your neurodivergent or LGBTQ+ child in family and social settings
✨ The power of non-judgmental spaces for parents navigating these challenges

Resources Mentioned in This Episode:

📌 Work with Joanna Whitely – Visit her website to explore her 1:1 parent coaching, group trainings, and free resources: https://soundslikesunshine.com

📲 Follow Joanna on Instagram – @j.whitely

🎧 Free Resource: All is Calm Morning Guide – Get Joanna’s free guide to reducing morning stress: Sign up here

💬 Join Joanna’s Private Instagram Group Chat – Connect with other parents in a safe, supportive space: DM her on Instagram to join.

Key Timestamps:

🕒 [00:02:10] Meet Joanna Whitely & her journey from sales to parenting coach
 🕒 [00:10:45] Why parents of neurodivergent & LGBTQ+ teens often feel isolated
 🕒 [00:22:30] Understanding teen brain development & why connection is key
 🕒 [00:35:10] Parenting without control: The art of curiosity & trust
 🕒 [00:50:45] Navigating family dynamics & advocating for your child
 🕒 [01:05:30] Social media & teens: What parents need to know
 🕒 [01:20:15] Final thoughts: The power of trusting yourself as a parent

If You Loved This Episode, Please:

💛 Share it with a friend who needs support parenting their neurodivergent or LGBTQ+ teen.
 🌟 Leave a review to help more parents find this conversation.
 📩 Join my free online coaching series for stress & anxiety relief: Sign up here.

Parenting is never perfect, but it can be connected, loving, and full of growth—for both you and your child. Let’s rewrite the story together.

Listen now! 🎧 

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Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief

Transcript

Allesanda: [00:00:00] Hi, I'm Allesanda Tolomei-Hard, aka Mrs. Hard. And this is Hard Times No More, a podcast for people who are tired of struggling with boundaries, people pleasing, and relationship problems. I have overcome some hard times. Within three years, I stopped drinking, my mom died of cancer, and my house burnt down in a California wildfire.

And those are just the highlights. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, but I'm not. The truth is, life was more challenging before these events happened. If you are tired of waiting for your circumstances to change to find happiness and peace of mind, you are in the right place. Join me as I share the tools I use and love to transform challenges into assets and interview others about their relationship journeys.

Together let's learn how to have a happy life full of healthy, meaningful relationships. And say goodbye to hard times for [00:01:00] good.

Allesanda: Hey there, I'm Allesanda Tolomei-Hard, aka Mrs. Hard, Wellness and Relationship Coach. Welcome to the Hard Times No More Relationship Podcast. Today I have Joanna Whitely joining me, and she is a parenting coach. Her business is Sounds Like Sunshine, and Joanna works with parents who feel isolated and torn between standing by their kids.

Through their kids big life transitions and figuring out how to get the support they need while respecting their privacy. She specializes in helping parents set healthy boundaries and provide support, especially when their teens are clarifying their gender identities. With her deep empathy, real life experience, and a commitment to breaking the mold of past generations, Joanna creates a safe, judgment free space where parents can navigate challenges and celebrate wins without feeling alone.

Her journey from a career in sales to being a parent coach was fueled by her personal experience and a deep understanding of what parents today are up against. Many of us grew up with parents who simply didn't have the tools to support us in this rapidly changing world. And Joanna is here to change that by helping parents cultivate strong, healthy relationships with their kids, no matter what they're going through.

If you felt like you're struggling to balance supporting your child and taking care of yourself, This conversation is for you. So welcome, Joanna. 

Joanna: Oh my gosh. Thank you for that warm welcome. That was, um, a lot to take in as I sat there and just let your words flow over me, but I am just so honored to be here and to share part of my story and my passion for the work that I do, um, supporting parents, um, while we parent through some really hard times.

And, um, I'm just really excited to be having this conversation and sharing more, um, about what I'm passionate about with you and your listeners. 

Allesanda: Thank [00:03:00] you. So tell me how it started. How did you get into parent coaching? 

Joanna: Oh, that's a wide question. How much time do we have? Um, actually parent coaching for me, um,  started probably about four or five years ago when my youngest, um, we were exploring some neurodivergent mental health diagnosis is for them.

And I started realizing that there's not the support network for parents. Like you can't just turn to your mom, friend over coffee and have , that conversation. And so, you know, you started going online and there's forums and there's community, but there's not that support that says, Hey, you've got this, I've got this, here's, here's what's worked for me.

Um, there was just nothing. And so that, that feeling of isolation and that feeling of being alone while you're raising a kid, entering into new, new territory. And so I just kept on looking around like there has to be somebody that's the adult in the room has to be somebody who's done this before.

There has to be some advice. And two things came up is that one, there wasn't anybody. And two, [00:04:00] those of us who are here doing this level of parenting don't have much left to get. And so most parents are just, you know, up to their eyeballs, managing their kids and their households and their jobs. That there's not the time or the resources to give the support to other people.

And that's completely understandable. And so when my life was at a transition, a job I had been with for seven years, um, I had  that road on that job had ended and I was trying to figure out what to do with my time. And, I had thought about some sort of coaching cause the hours were flexible and I could build my own schedule.

Um, my husband desperately wanted me to do a level of business coaching and, and business development, because I do love that, but I just wasn't excited about it. Um, People have figured that out. They've done that. They've done that realm. And I started looking into parent coaching and, and is this a thing?

Like, can someone be a parent coach? Can someone who hires parent coaches and, um, realizing that there is an industry here and that parents desperately are looking for help and support and guidance and, and tools. Um, you mentioned, you know, in your intro about the tools that we were given for the generation that raised us while I truly [00:05:00] believe they were doing the best they could.

Those tools don't work in today's environment. And I've taken two courses to become certified, um, as a parent coach plus, plus my own parenting journey, um, to really build a new, a new toolbox to hand to parents so that they can feel equipped to parent whatever needs their kids are bringing to them also in this unique time that we are raising kids.

That's my, my long answer to why parent coaching, because we need the support. We need the support. 

Allesanda: Yeah, definitely, definitely. And can you share a little about your upbringing and being raised religious. Absolutely. I know that you've really had to learn a completely different style of parenting than you grew up with.

And how it really lit your fire for where you're at today, it did, 

Joanna: um, a little history on, on where I came from I was raised, um, in a very, what would probably be considered fundamentalist Christian religion, um, small little religion, um, in terms of, You know, compared to Catholicism or [00:06:00] something, um, a lot of emphasis on behavior, appearance and control.

Um, a lot of emphasis on your eternal soul and, um, whether you were going to be ready for . And it's so funny cause I was literally just having a conversation with my youngest yesterday. And I very vividly remember my first panic attack was a thought of eternity. 

Allesanda: And that 

Joanna: I was supposed to live my whole life so I could live forever.

And now as an adult looking back, I feel so bad, like that that was something that was fearful for me, that that was something that was so ingrained in who I was. But in terms of my parenting journey, I knew I couldn't hand that to my kids. I knew I could not raise my kids in an environment that that raised me.

Well, there were some beautiful things that came out of the way I was raised. But I could not hand, my children the same baggage of expectations that was handed me. 

I

just couldn't. And being a more conservative religion, um, women are viewed differently.

And members of the LGBTQ family are viewed differently. And so raising two, two girls, I knew that the stars are not aligned in their [00:07:00] favor to continue to raise them in this environment. And I had to walk away for the presentation, preservation of my family. I had to walk away. Um, when you leave a faith community that you were so ingrained in, that you were so a part of, that you worked for, that was your employment, that was your education, that was your, you know, the place that married you, that hosted your baby showers, there's a lot of isolation that comes with that.

And that's another driving factor why I so desperately want to do this work is that for other parents who are also looking at possibly what their faith community is handing them and the support they actually need to raise their children. 

And it's 

okay if it's different, it's okay if what you need to raise your kids is not being provided by your youth group or by your youth pastor or by your women's group, you know, it's okay to say, Hey, actually, this isn't working for my kid, I need something else.

And I get that because I've been in that space of saying, Hey, that's not working at that those are tools are not being applied to my kids, especially. Especially if you have kids who are neurodivergent, [00:08:00] you can't punish that behavior. You can't say it's a sin. You can't say, Oh, this is a bad kid. They need more discipline.

They need to repent to Jesus. Those are not things that are going to work within the neurodivergent community. This is not. So, um, learning to walk away from that triggered in me the ability to trust my absolute core in God and when it came to parenting my kids. And I think when you are a member of a more, I'll say high control religion, you don't have that ability to trust your gut.

You 

trust the religion, you trust the powers that be, um, you trust the ones who are in charge and do what they say. And as a woman, that deep gut feeling of how I'm supposed to raise my kids, how I'm supposed to show up for them, how I'm supposed to advocate for them is stifled. And so it's taken years and years of pulling away from that and say, no, I'm right.

I know what my kids need. I know how to advocate that for them. And um, so that circles back to the work that I do with parents is, is allowing them to sit with that and say, what do you really know your kid needs right now? 

It might not 

be what the other moms are doing. It might not be what the [00:09:00] other kids, their peers are doing.

It might not be what your church or your community is doing. But if you know deep inside that that is what your kid needs, I want to be the one to tell you that to trust that 

it's 

okay. 

Allesanda with Joanna For Pod: I love that. And that validation is so powerful, especially because parents and all people are getting so many messages.

On social media, and I'm, I'm not a parent so I can't speak to this, but I know in other arenas things trend. And so it could be easy to like hop on a trend of like, this is what's good to do. Mm-hmm . Or this is what's bad to do, and you lose that connection with your internal voice of what you feel. Is right for your kid and only you know your kid as well as you do.

And so it sounds like, you know, the layer of the onion, like beneath the layers, you're helping parents connect and trust that inner voice so that they can then can connect with their child in a very [00:10:00] authentic way and support the unique needs and ways that their child is mm-hmm . Um, without like questioning themselves.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, and it's so interesting, leaving a deeply religious group where you had so much structure and finding the structure on your own. That is such a powerful experience 

Joanna: it's probably been the best thing I could have done for my parenting journey was to leave a high control religion. It was absolutely gave me the freedom and the foundation to build a parenting framework that worked for our family and for my kids. Um, it gave us freedom to fully accept our kids exactly as they are, um, without shame, without guilt, without fear.

Um, fear is such a big controlling piece of religion. And so when you walk away and I'm not trying to disparage anybody who is actively in a religion, if it meets your needs deep in your soul, please stay within a deep community. I'm not, I'm not advocating for everybody to walk away from, from their faith community.

I am simply saying that if you are on the verge of it or the edge of a faith community, cause you know that [00:11:00] your kid needs something different. That I hear that I've been there. I understand. And I, on the other side of that is so much freedom and joy. And I just, it's, it's this lightness because you can just simply enjoy your kids exactly as they are.

And it's extremely beautiful. 

Allesanda: I love that. I love that. And this makes me think about, uh, connected parenting and the science behind that, because I know you love the nerdy science piece. And so will you share with us what connected parenting means and how that's benefited your relationship with your kids?

Joanna: Absolutely. Um, so you alluded to it is that in order for us to connect with our kids, we have to be connected with ourselves. We have to be able to know who we are as, as women, who we are as mothers, who we are as partners, who we are as individuals. Like we had to have a deep sense of ourselves. And so that's a piece of, of, for me going back to the religion part, I had to leave that in order to find who I was.

I had to be deeply connected to who I was and then moving forward into the parenting realm. [00:12:00] All relationships are based on connection, you know, and there's a lot of talk when kids are little, when they're babies, they talk about bonding, you do skin on skin time. There's research that shows like kangaroo care for preemies when they co, you know, skin on skin with caregivers that they, , develop at a higher rate.

So there's talk about connection and bonding when the kids are little and then they hit. Probably middle school. And they're not as fun to connect and bond with. And then they hit teenagers and it's even harder, right? You get hormones, you get sassiness, you get attitude, you get these things. I can't even imagine my mom trying 

Allesanda: to connect with me as a teenager.

Joanna: You feel like weirdo? I feel so bad for her. 

Joanna: Yeah. So like suddenly your baby's not this cute pudgy little baby that you could like snuggle or, you know, feed like all of those bonding things are gone. And yet the basis of biology relationships is connection that still, that still maintains the same. And so something that reframed how I parent my teens was understanding the brain science of what was [00:13:00] going on for them developmentally that they literally could not hate using the word behave.

They couldn't be them best, their best selves because their brains are offline. And so when I'm coming in and my kids acting out and driving, triggering all my triggers and making me really frustrated again, I get to center myself. I get to connect with myself and I say, okay, am I being triggered as my kid being, you know, what is, what is their behavior telling me is because all behavior is a signal for.

Usually a cry for help of something like I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I don't feel good again. It's no different than the babies when they were little, but their behavior was a cry for help. We did not punish babies for crying and asking for a bottle. Why would we punish a teenager who is acting out saying I need something?

And so that was a big shift for me and realizing again, going back to the brain development that the prefrontal cortex in a teenager's brain or anybody's brain is not fully formed. Until you're in your mid twenties and you think about that and you think of all the decisions you made prior to your mid twenties, you're like, Oh, that kind of checks out.

So when a [00:14:00] baby is born, their brainstem goes up into their, goes up their spine and indicates dictates all of their behavior. So they cry when their diapers wet, they cry when they're hungry, they cry when their tummy aches, they cry when they feel lonely, right? The brainstem keeps their digestion going.

It keeps your lungs breathing. Same for you and I as adults. Um, as your brains start to develop and grow, the prefrontal cortex, which is on the front of your brain, starts to adhere down to the rest of the brainstem. So this, this part of the brain, this doesn't, in the prefrontal cortex, you, I don't know how much you remember from biology, but , part of that brain is what makes good, reasonable cognitive decisions.

 The reason you don't reason with a toddler. Is because this part of the brain doesn't exist yet. The reason you don't tell your infant, Oh baby, you need to wait two hours to eat, you just ate, is because their prefrontal cortex is not connected to their brain. We jump ahead and think the second that we can reason with our kid, they should be reasonable the rest of their life.

In reality, this is, this, this bond is still forming the prefrontal cortex is still forming in their brain. [00:15:00] And it gives me so much peace that when my children are having behaviors that are driving me up the wall, I get to rewind my, in my own brain and be like, Oh, wait, wait, wait. They don't have the brain matter to create the steps they need to complete this task.

Or they don't have the brain function yet to say, this is not a good idea. Or my child's acting out because their prefrontal cortex is offline. And you see this a lot more in toddlers and probably younger kids when they have their fits and their tantrums and they're acting out and they're screaming and they're telling you, no, I don't want to do that.

Prefrontal cortex is off. Like you cannot reason with them. You can't bribe them. There's nothing you can do except bring them back online. And the only way to bring them back online in a healthy way is through connection. It's through a bond, through doing something that's not what a, what Probably even a little older, you get to just remove them from the situation, sit down, maybe color with them.

Allesanda: You need 

Joanna: to go sit in the rocking chair and just hum them a song, scratch their [00:16:00] back, put on an audio book, and just kind of help co regulate them. So their prefrontal cortex goes online. So that's a lot easier when your kid literally still fits in your hand, right? You can still hold them. And all of a sudden now you're having these teens and tweens whose prefrontal cortex still goes offline.

Probably a little less often. Maybe not, but when it does go offline, it's a lot more severe. Now, they're driving cars too fast. Now, they're maybe participating in risky behavior. Maybe now they're giving you the sassiest attitude you've ever experienced, and you're trying to tell them, I just want you to empty the dishwasher, and they're giving you attitude.

They are not reasonable people. And you've, you've probably heard moms of teens be like, they are the most unreasonable people I've ever been in contact with. prefrontal cortex is not connected. And so it's the same thing. While it is so hard to reconnect a prefrontal cortex once it goes offline, The older the kids get, it's not impossible.

And so one of the things that I strive to do in my work is to help parents keep [00:17:00] that connection strong. Or when the times get hard and the prefrontal cortex does go offline, that they're able to get in there and connect and repair at a higher rate than they would previously. So 

Allesanda: I have two questions.

Yes. One question is you talked about connecting with yourself first. And so I would love to hear like what you physically do in your life, like what that looks like for you to bring your connection back to yourself when you realize that your kids. prefrontal cortex is offline. And then second, what do you, what advice do you give to parents who have a teenager who they want to have a trusting relationship with, but their teenager keeps burning them over and over and over again?

Because like, I love these concepts. And, but then I think about myself when I was a teenager and I had a very dysfunctional relationship with my parents where like, I can't even imagine how they could have like, got me back to a place where like we were connecting. Like if they had started doing that in the middle of like of my teen years, when I was like.

16 or [00:18:00] something. I would have been like, what is going on? Yeah, and then I would have definitely been like really uncomfortable as a teenager with that transition and not really trusting it too And so those are the two things i'm Wondering, cause I think a lot of people will be like, Oh my gosh, that would be so amazing.

But I have this teenager who's completely wild and , I'm just going to hold space for you when 

Joanna: you're ready. No, I love those questions. So first off, how do I stay centered and grounded in myself? Uh, physical movement. It's a, it's a non negotiable in my day. Like I have to physically move my body.

Um, I'm a runner. I'm a trail runner. That's what I do. Um, I think I even mentioned my bio of I'm not driving my kids around. I'm out on the trails running. And some people might be like, Oh, you must be really in shape. I'm like, I don't run to stay in shape. Like it is purely for my mental health. It is mental health movement.

Um, it grounds me. It releases the, the stress cycle completes itself while I'm running. It's releasing all the adrenaline and everything. And it's, it's the [00:19:00] way that I ground myself. So I get, it's, it's also a piece of how I parent coaches to prioritize movement. I don't care what you're doing, but move your body.

Let that release be in tune with your body. You're more than just this person going throughout the day. Like you are a human being, physical needs and to meet those. So that's what I do. Um, I also really make it a priority to have spots in my days that don't involve my kids. I wake up early and I'm not saying that as like a brag, but I did as a priority for my mental health and for how I parent 20 minutes alone in the morning before I have to jump into mom mode, parent mode.

Get my butt out the door, but like, that's a huge thing in terms of grounding. Um, I'm not always intentional with that time. Sometimes I just sit and mindlessly scroll. Um, sometimes I read Mary Oliver. It just depends on what time 

Allesanda: you get 

Joanna: to do whatever you want. And then onto your question about, okay, this all sounds great, Joanna.

I would love to be a connected parent. I would love to remember that my kid's prefrontal [00:20:00]cortex is offline, but my kid's already offline and they're. Racing around and they're giving me terrible attitude and making terrible life choices. What do I do? Um, Number one going back to I just said make sure you are grounded before you enter into intense parenting moments If you are going in to parent a kid who's having some intense times and you are matching their energy That's gonna spiral 

It's going to be like opposing magnets and you guys are going to go like this constantly.

Um, so as long as you're grounded and when I say don't match their energy, if your kids up here at like a 10, don't be so apathetic, you're at a one that's not, that's going to piss them off. Right? Teenagers aren't dumb. Like they're going to be like, Oh, stop that. Say about a seven or eight, like be, be intense with them.

Let them know that you're in it with them. Don't match their energy. Don't go above it. And don't be so like, so disconnected, apathetic. The kids are like, that's weird. Be, be intense with them as well. Like that. It's okay to do that. The other thing. So you're grounded, you're going in, you're not matching the [00:21:00] energy, but you're, you're reaching for it.

And then what is your end goal? Do you want your kid's behavior to stop because it's bothering you? Do you want your kid's behavior to stop because it's making you afraid? Do you want to control your kids behavior because you're afraid of what someone's going to think about how your kid is behaving? Is your kid truly in a dangerous situation?

Like, are we doing, are we talking about drugs, alcohol, risky behavior? Or are they just having a bad attitude about maybe skipping school, talking back, you know? So it's kind of a judgment thing is, okay, my kid's like kind of just having a nasty attitude. It's bothering me. And then we get to get really curious.

Like if we are centered and grounded and we know why we're approaching our kid, And I'm going to, I'm going to beat this drum until the cows come home. The reason why we approach our kids is to connect with them. We're not trying to control them. We're not trying to discipline them. We're not trying to make them a different, something different than they are.

But if [00:22:00] we can approach our kids with the only goal in mind is I want to connect with my child. This is somebody who I've raised. There's someone who was in my house their entire lives. Um, I want to connect with my kid. There is something going on under the surface that this behavior is telling me about.

I don't know what it is. They're not going to tell me. Because if you ask a kid, Hey, what's wrong? Nothing. I'm fine. Like they're not going to tell you and that is okay, but they need to know that you are a safe person for them to come and dump their feelings on. So I can, there is nothing I can say.

There's no advice I can give you. There's no tips I can give you to say, Hey, if you go home and say these three words to your teenager, they're going to be a delightful peach to be around. That doesn't exist. And so thinking of your example, Hey, if my parents came home when I was 16 and wanted to connect with me, it would have been weird.

I think as parents, we need to realize we're thinking big picture and we're trying to turn a ship, right? We're not flipping a U turn in a [00:23:00] Ferrari. Right. We're turning this massive ship around with the goal of long term connection. And so if I can encourage parents to be really intentional about what they want, their long term goals with their kids.

Allesanda: Hmm. 

Joanna: And are they striving for connection or are they striving for control? 

Allesanda: Hmm. 

Joanna: I guarantee you the child's developing mind does not want to be controlled, is not wired. Biologically, we are not wired to be controlled. And so when those kids are pushing back, when they're, when they're trying to establish their sense of identity, when they're trying to be something outside of what our expectations are of them, there's going to be friction.

And there's some times that we just get to be the adult person in the room and say, no, you're not doing that. You can be pissed about it. You can be angry. You can go in your room. You can write nasty things about me when you're texting your friends or whatever. That's fine. I'm an adult. That's not going to bother me.

You're entitled to your opinion. And there's other times when we get to just be curious and ask questions. And, um, I'm thinking specifically of my oldest. She [00:24:00] last week got in a little fender bender car accident. And so nothing terrible, but enough to be like my, my daughter wasn't driving. Another, another kid was driving.

And the tale of these two kids, when they came back to my house, one was terrible, did not want to go home. They didn't want to tell their parents what happened. And mine was texting me on the way home. Mom, this happened. Mom, we're okay. Mom, we're coming home. And like updates and the kids got home. Nobody was mad.

There was no punishment. There was no guilt. There was no shame. I went so far as to say, Hey guys, you handled that really well. You guys are doing a really good job. Growing up is really hard. I see you. You guys did this well. And so I think the more. That we can pour into and trust our kids and see them making mistakes and see them growing.

Not as a way as they're like pushing back against us, but how do we come alongside them and then support them in the process? [00:25:00] Um, but all of our interactions with our, no matter the age, but specifically teenagers needs to be reframed out of a desire for connection. 

Allesanda: Yeah, I can only imagine how easy it is to be in fear or control without even realizing it as a parent, because we rarely make the time, like the five second or three second pause to evaluate our own motivations when we're going into any situation.

And I connect deeply with what you're saying because I talk to my clients about very similar things when they're navigating challenging relationships of what is your motivation? What is your end goal? And I love how you talk about connection is just being curious. And I'm also like, assuming with like very low expectations, especially when you're first starting, like if you get more than a three word answer, [00:26:00] like it's a win to be celebrated, but I know from going into an interaction with somebody who's very challenging, I have to put my stuff aside and then be open to what presents itself instead of like, internally, mentally.

Um, and so I love that curiosity that you talk about with connection and that openness, because like when we're willing to do the connection work, that's when the openness for https: otter. ai Different to happen comes along and so it's like, you know, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

 You're asking people to like, just start small, going in with the intention of like, being open to, what is my child thinking, feeling, uh, needing at this moment? And how can I just be like this listening board, this sounding board? 

Joanna: I would add that in order to get to the place where your kid is safe [00:27:00] with you, feel safe with you, when, when feelings are high, when emotions are high, when bad choices have been made to start laying groundwork early, like let's say today your kid comes home and there's no drama.

It's fine. Like, Hey, no one got in trouble. I didn't yell. They, they weren't snarky. And you guys just need to go about your day in your own bubbles and you're, you know, responding to emails and they're on Snapchat and you're making dinner and you're ordering, you know, whatever you need to use those calm times to build a foundation of relationship.

Yeah. Like say, can we have screen free time? Can we, can we like, and sit down and have a conversation teams like to be a part of the process. So like, can we have screen free time? Can I take you out to Boba? Can we, can I like, I know you said you wanted that shirt. Can we hop on or whatever website, you know, and can we order it, you know, Kate making those bids for connection on their terms when times are good are going to be.

Foundational for when things get hard, 

Allesanda: that makes so much sense. Because like, if you're trying [00:28:00]to address all these issues you're having with somebody, when you're in an argument, like you're usually not going to get anywhere, but like if you let everything fizzle out and chill out and then approach somebody at a time.

Where there's room for that connection and that openness, like I love talking to my husband when we're driving because like then we don't have to look directly at each other and he like sometimes is way more open during those times and like I'll bring up things that have been more challenging for us during those times or like when we're working out or going for a walk or something like that because then there's movement involved too as opposed to like trying to solve the problem when there's frustration and emotions are high.

Joanna: As long as no one's in danger, let the moment go. You

Allesanda: know, 

Joanna: as long as everyone is safe, like besides maybe their own big feelings or maybe their whatever it is, is making you feel fearful. If you know everyone's physical safety is fine, you can walk away all day long. And I'm a huge, I tell my clients this all the time.

I was like, the car is [00:29:00] the best place to continue exactly what you just said. There's no eye to eye contact. Sometimes the music music is on and there may be a little relaxing. Can I tell you, please listen to your kid's music. Just enjoy it. Don't make a comment about the language or the words. Like my kids know there's some music I will not allow in the car.

I'm like. Know your audience, kids, um, listen to their music, train them to like your music, and um, the car is just a great place to connect, a great place to connect. Um, if you have, if you can put little windows of time in your week to take a 30 minute drive with your kids, like it's harder the older they get because they're starting to drive themselves, but if you can like, Hey, I want to take you to practice tonight.

Let's stop by Starbucks on the way. 

Allesanda: Starbucks is a great bribe, excellent bribe for me when I was a 

Joanna: teenager. I tell moms with young tweens and teens, I'm like, have a Starbucks budget, have it every month and quadruple what you think you're going to spend, because that is going to be your kid's love language for the next six to eight years.

Allesanda: Yeah. [00:30:00] Yeah. I think it's also Dutch brothers now. Yes. Yes, it is. I don't prefer, but 

Joanna: my kids do. 

Allesanda: So yeah. And you've talked about like Snapchat and social media. How do you navigate parenting teenagers on social media? Uh, that was one of the things that our dear friend asked us to talk about. But also I'm curious.

Cause like I look at parents today and I'm like, Oh my God, like what they have to deal with. Oh, I can't even imagine. Like you guys are amazing. Just because of the social media. 

Joanna: Yeah. Couple of things is that I knew from before my kids got phones. That I was going. This was a hill. I was going to die. Um, I told, I actually just told this to friends that I, when my kids were 12, 13, begging for a phone, you know, 11, 12, 13, begging for a phone.

They're the only friends who didn't have a phone. I they're like, what's going to happen? It's not that bad. Everybody else has one. I said, I told my oldest, it's like, Hey, girlfriend, you could go out in my garage right now. You could get in my car and you could drive to San Francisco. You could [00:31:00]probably do that.

You can reach the pedals. You could see over the steering wheels. You know how to, you could probably get there. Why would I allow you to do that though? It would be the most dangerous, irresponsible thing for me to allow you to get as a 13 year old, get in my car and drive to San Francisco. So I'm not going to hand you a phone because it's essentially the same thing.

And you might not even be the problem. You might get there and just stay in your lane and make it all the way, but all the other drivers, all the semis, the things, the debris flying up in the road, it is an unsafe environment for someone who does not have the skillset to navigate it. And so while your brain is still developing, I am not handing you a tool that could potentially be dangerous.

So my kids do that from a very young age. Now that they like it. No, not like that. So my kids get phones when they're 14. Um, they are my phones. I pay for them. They're on my plan. They get to use my phone. They get to use my extra phone. They know that I, the way I parent is I'm not arbitrary. They're not signing contracts and they have to behave like this and they have to [00:32:00] get certain grades to have access.

No, this is just a privilege you have. Um, you have access to my phone. We have Androids. I know iPhones has the same, I think it's called. Family time on iPhones. I use a family link on on androids and I block anything. I don't want them to download. No snapchat, no facebook, no instagram for a very long time.

Um, I limit how much time they can be on each app because their brains literally do not have the self control to limit themselves. And so if you are on a phone while your brain is still developing and there's newer pathways are developing habitual habits that I need to be on here. I need to be checking.

I want to be able to mitigate that as much as possible. Now my oldest, she has everything. She has Snapchat. She has Instagram. I hope she has to talk. I think she has all the things because she and I have a relationship and she has proved to me that who she is online matters. And that's another conversation we talk about a lot.

Like what you post online, who you show up online is who you are. It's not some fake [00:33:00]persona of you. That is who you are. And we have really open conversations. Um, I would really encourage parents that. You have full access to your kid's phone. You can scroll through, you can read texts, you can add, you can get access to apps.

There's nothing on that phone that you do not have access to. And some would say it's an invasion of privacy. And I think the older your kids get, I do check my oldest one's phone a lot less because they are older. They have, they're getting those privileges, but it is your phone and that is your child.

And if you are. The same reason you wouldn't, like, drop them off somewhere without, like, making sure there was an adult there first. You know, there's the same sort of situation. So, um, I would just really encourage you to be really, really diligent about it to protect their developing minds. Not even so much from the content they're per they might potentially have access to online, but to what is happening to their brains while their brains are still learning and they're schooling.

Allesanda: While 

Joanna: they're constantly having access to something. It's not necessary. So, um, some practical things that we do, like I said, we have a basket on our counter that all phones go into as soon as you get home. My phone, my husband's phone, the kid's phone basket [00:34:00] goes, goes in the basket. You still have access to it while you're home.

You can go check. You can check notifications. You can check your, you know, text your friends back, you know, ask questions about homework, but the phone stay in the basket. You know, I guess it's just sit on the couch and scroll and scroll and scroll. You get to look me in the eye. We get to have a conversation.

You get to help clean up from dinner. You get to take the dog for a walk. Um, you get to be bored. I'm a huge advocate of boredom. That's 

Allesanda: awesome. Yeah. I mean, and it's all I love when I get to be bored. Right? I'm a how valuable this time is. Pretty soon you'll have so much to 

Joanna: do. Exactly. 

So that's 

Joanna: my short soap box on, uh, on phones and.

Um, obviously we can go into a lot more, but definitely treat it as your phone, as your phone that your kids have access to and set whatever parameters you want around it. You get to create the culture in your home of what you want and what you allow it. 

Allesanda: And then how would you bring a kid back from hiding stuff?

Because my husband was talking to [00:35:00] one of the people he works with and he was talking about how his kids, like they'll upload and delete apps. And he found a sneaky way that you could look at like the battery life or something. You'd have to look it up online, but like how you can see what apps have been deleted because his kids would do sneaky stuff like that.

Yeah. And I was like, I totally would have done that as a teenager. 

Joanna: No, and that's the thing that your kids are always going to be outsmarting you. So going back to our previous conversation, are you trying to control their time on the, on the phone and control their every move, or are you wanting to build a connected relationship with them?

So when you do hand them the phone, there's trust and risk and respect there. 

Allesanda: And 

Joanna: I think, again, that's going way back. You're not, you, we can't just go and fix the phone issue. If you're not going back and fixing the relationship that's attached to it, because if your kids are feeling like you don't trust them, that you're just trying to control them, that you don't understand them, that you're just, they are just to make their lives miserable.

Of course, they're going to be sneaky. Of course, they're going to do things that they think that they know better than you. And so, okay, you can think, okay, I see my kid doing this thing. They're not, [00:36:00] again, knock on wood, they're not in danger. It's just against our family code of conduct. We're going to go back and start figuring out why.

Like, why do they think they need the app? Why do you think you need to hide it from me? You just asked, do you think I would have said yes? Or, you know, I said no, and this is why 

Allesanda: I love that. It's like the way you're talking about it. These are all like symptoms of like a root disconnection. And so like, if you keep on like trying to do whack a mole with the symptoms, you're not going to get anywhere.

But if you address the connection with yourself first and then the connection with your kids, that's when you're going to move mountains. Even though your brain's telling you that won't work. Completely backwards. It

Joanna: feels so counterintuitive to not jump in and fix the problem. 

Allesanda: Yeah. 

Joanna: But if we can look at issues as they arrive as a symptom of something else, what is this kid telling me?

What does this kid need from me? Or is there even nothing wrong? Cause I mean, that's a huge thing. Some things are triggers for me. Like I, my daughter, my oldest, her freshman year in high school, she was learning how to express and dress and like, you know, her style and her sense of fashion and things like that.

Excuse [00:37:00] me. And being raised super conservative, she would leave the house. I would say, is that okay for her to wear? Is that my own? Is that my own issues coming to the surface? Is that my own things about what I wasn't allowed to wear? What I wish I could have wore what my own perceived things or what's appropriate and appropriate for girls to wear?

Is that what's telling me she can't wear that? Or is it truly inappropriate? 

 You know, and so check yourself like 90 percent of parenting is checking ourselves and just holding on for a minute. Um, I've come to a lot of Whatever my kid wears, I guess I want her to feel empowered. I want her to feel confident.

I want her to feel that she is worthy of whatever it is she chooses to wear. And that connection, that relationship is more important than any piece of clothing she'll ever wear. 

So not telling her to go back and change because then girlfriend, she's going to put her little shirt in her backpack and she's going to change at school and then she's sneaky and then we have no trust and then she feels awkward when she's around me because she knows she disobeyed me.

She knows she was sneaky. Then she hides in her room. Because she doesn't want to see me because she feels bad and then I'm angry, you know? So like, it's so snowballs away from itself versus, okay, she's gonna wear a shirt I [00:38:00] don't love. Does she love it? Does it cover her up enough? 

Yeah, I love that. And it just makes me think that you're also setting them up to have healthier relationships with other people because they're not bringing this baggage into their relationship.

Joanna: I hope not. They'll bring their own baggage, but not that baggage. 

Allesanda: I love that. And then speaking of other people like in relationship, uh, what do you do when you have a kid who is neurodivergent or a member of the LGBTQ community? And then. An external member. Maybe they're a family member. Maybe they're a friend.

Maybe there's somebody you don't even know. They're just at the grocery store. Is acting inappropriate towards your kid in terms of their response to what they're doing or their identity or some behavior that they're showing? How do you handle that? 

Joanna: Um, if I'm speaking directly to someone who's raising a neurodivergent or LGBTQ kid, [00:39:00] there's times in public or even in front of other family that your kid is going to be misunderstood.

They're going to be maybe having more of an emotional reaction to something in public because they're overstimulated. Or they're going to bring me percent with clothes or dress or hair that maybe your family doesn't typically expect of someone in our family, right? So your kids are going to present in a way that is going to make it visibly obvious to people that, Oh, just know what's, what's this kid, you know?

And I want to just remind you that the only person that you are beholden to is your child. That is the only person who matters in any situation. If you are in a room and it's you and the most famous person on earth and your child, your child is number one. It does not matter. And that is also really hard.

Again, going back to, we just started, if you're coming out of a high control religion group that you want to make sure that everybody is happy or this, there's a hierarchy. And so this person matters and my child be seen and not heard. So I need to, I need to make sure that this is, this person's taken care of.

[00:40:00] I want to remind you to trust your gut and go to your kid. Advocate for your kid, protect your kid, remove your kid from a situation if they are being questioned, if their value is, if their value is on the line, if someone's saying, well, we don't do that, or we don't act like that, or in this house, we close our eyes when we pray, or in this house, we have to wear a dress when we go to church, or, or in this house, we don't, we don't yell when we get mad, you know, all of these things, and you're like, actually, you know, my kid's allowed to express themselves, and that's all you have to say, that's all you have to say, is my kid's allowed to express themselves.

And, um, it sometimes is nervous if you're standing up and advocating for your child in front of people in your closest circle. So that feels scary. I want to offer two ways around this. Number one, maybe not be in your closest circle for a while. Maybe give your child some time to fully understand who they are while you are fully supporting them and just kind of have some healthy space from that and start practicing.

Start practicing, like, with a stranger at the grocery store, because I will tell off a stranger at the grocery store more than I would, like, your own sister or your mom or something, right? Like, so you can practice with a stranger at [00:41:00] the grocery store and be like, Hey, actually we're allowed to express our feelings in, in this family and walk away.

Cause there's no relationship there. You have nothing to lose. Um, so start practicing with a stranger in the grocery store who might have an opinion about your amazing parenting style. Um, and give yourself a little bit of space for maybe those closest to you who might not understand. 

Allesanda: Hmm, I love that.

Yeah, because I know so many parents also fall in the category of people pleasers or they hate conflict and so like when the there's a riff alarm bells go off and sometimes people just freeze because they don't know what to do They don't know whether to say something for their kid or to say something to this person or like how can they create peace?

Right now we're like multiple people are uncomfortable And so I love how you're suggesting that they can practice And maybe even like writing it out for me, that would be, uh, if I was in this situation, I would like, need to write it out to like process it, but I love how you're asking or suggesting that people do a little planning ahead [00:42:00]

Joanna: and remind yourself.

 You don't have to keep the peace. 

You have to protect your kid because there is very few people on the face of the earth that will advocate for your kid. Like you will. Like they are, that's your number one priority. And so when you're up against family members who might not understand, who might be pushing back, um, it is okay to advocate for your kid.

It's okay. If that causes a rift in the relationship, um, it's repairable, but your kid 

is what was going to remember. And this is something that like was a shift for me mentally was which relationship, my extended family. Or my kid is going to outlive me. My kid. This is my legacy. This is who I am. This, this is who gets my energy.

My kid every single time is going to get my energy. I send a family, my parents, my, my sisters, my in laws. They're all great. They're a peripheral of our existence, but my legacy, who I am and what outlives me is are my kids. And they will always get 100 percent of me because of that. So if you have a hard time with like, I need to keep the peace or I need to like make sure that my mom is happy and that, you know, the lady at church is not misunderstanding [00:43:00] me and that, you know, the teacher's aide at school, you know, doesn't understand your kid every single time.

Allesanda: I love that.

You have so much heart in what you do and you're so excited about it. I just love hearing you talk about it. Thank you. Yeah. Your kids are very lucky to have you as a mom. Well, we can interview them another time. On another episode. Exactly. The flip side. And so if people want to work with you and get to know you better, how can they do that?

Joanna: So the best way to do that is through my website, um, www. soundslikesunshine. com. Um, there is, uh, some clicks on there. There's a couple of different ways to work with me. My favorite way to work with clients is one on one because while we can talk in generalities all day long, um, my one on one coaching is where I love to get in there.

I love to get to know. What's driving your kids behavior was driving your behavior. Like, how do we, how do we problem solve together this specific thing? Um, I just had a call last week with a client and we just talked to one [00:44:00] incident, like one thing that was just really just stuck with her. And it was really challenging for her.

And we spent an hour just like. Figuring it out just, and so I think there's so much value in that one on one time together. If you're not ready for that, that's fine. One on one coaching is not for everybody, and it might feel a little like a lot or kind of intimidating. I do offer monthly mini trainings on a group setting.

You can sign up for those as well. And they're just, we just pick a topic each month and dive into it. Um, we'll go a little bit more into some of the brain science behind, um, connection and behavior, um, this next month. And then I also have a private group, Instagram chat. Um, which I was trying to find a way that we could just connect moms without pressure, um, without downloading another app, without having to log into a bunch of different social media platforms.

So if you're on Instagram, you can find me, um, on Instagram and, um, asked to be added to our, our private group chat where we just, I do little mini trainings in there as well and community and connection and asking for advice for other moms who are also in the trenches. And it's really more about building community and connection.

For the moms who are [00:45:00] just in the thick of it, figuring it out. 

Allesanda: I love that. And then I've also checked out your all is calm morning guide, which is your free offering for people. And I love how you have these little soundbites in there. You have five of them. One is you share about your mornings. And then the second one is about the brain science.

And then the third is about the morning breakfast hack, which I totally love, uh, your philosophy on that. And if you want to speak a little bit more into that, I actually really enjoyed listening to that.

Joanna: Yeah, I do have a freebie. I created my all is calm, um, guide to get you out the door in the morning without losing your mind.

Because for me personally, that was my biggest, one of my biggest struggles. I was my worst version of myself. In the hour and a half between waking up and getting out the door. Like that was, I did not shine during that period. Um, and so I figured I wasn't the only one and I created my all is calm guide.

And there are, there's. Five, I think little mini mini mini mini podcasts in there. Um, but what we were talking about was the fed is best no matter the age, like feature, whatever your kids will eat in the morning, let them eat it. Like whatever you, you can allow. [00:46:00] And I, I go into depth on, on the podcast of nutrition and health, healthy living is, is a deep core value of mine.

So I'm not just like, Oh, whatever. But in terms of building relationship and staying connected with my kids, I wasn't going to have that, that battle. Over having them eat like their protein shake and then their blueberries and then their eggs and, you know, like all of their things and their protein muffins and all the things I had slaved over making for them.

Right. And like, okay, fine. Eat your Cheerios. That's fine. I don't have to bug you about it. You can sit there and eat your Cheerios. You can eat your buttered toast. You're going to be fine. I packed you a healthy lunch. 

Allesanda: Yeah. Yeah. I love the concept of just simplifying things, like asking yourself, like, how important is it?

Because especially if you're trying to build connection and change like pathways, it's if you're trying to do a million things. You're going to fail, but if you're just like focusing on one and being like, this is the most important, these other things don't matter as much as I thought they did. Or maybe if I'm lucky, my kids will decide that they like these things, but you're like creating so much more [00:47:00]openness.

And I love how that theme can like translate into many different areas. Absolutely. Yeah. Well, thanks so much, Joanne, for coming on the podcast. Yeah. This is so perfect. Yeah. Cause like so much you like specifically hit so hard on, uh, challenging relationships with your kids. And I love. Helping people and talking to people about relationship challenges because then others can hear that they're not alone in their struggles Because I think that's like the most dangerous thing is to think that we're alone we're the only ones going through this thing and you're creating such a Community for those who feel alone to like learn how to navigate these situations.

So I just love it Thank you for doing this work 

Joanna: Thank you for letting me share and hope it's been helpful for for your listeners and I would love to connect with them more in any of the ways that we chatted about and Just thank you so much. 

Allesanda: You're welcome. And I'll put your Instagram handle in the show notes.

I'll put your link to the website, how they get ahold of you, all the things. Amazing. Thank you so [00:48:00] much.